Im sorry you had such an awful doctor and a hospital that would not listen to you. Your birth experience was bad not because of your babies size but because of what the hospital and doctor put you through.
I had my 12lb 4 oz son at home. His labor was amazing. IT was just what I needed to heal from his older brothers birth that was a c section. I tore a tiny bit but did not need stitches. I loved it
I just had my daughter almost 2 months ago. She was 9lbs 8oz and her labor was a lot more intense then my sons. She came out with a nuchal hand. I still didnt tear and I had her in the water.
Both of them were home births.
I think that following your instincts and laboring in the way your body tells you is key to any good birth. Some births are more painful than others. When you trust your body though and have a care provider that respects you and your opinion. I think birth happens easier. Start doing research and hopefully if you get pregnant in the future you will have the tools you need to have a better birth.
I anted to add that I am sorry, too. Your birth experience sounds so much like mine with my first. I switched to a midwife and hired a doula for my second child, and even though he was almost 2 lbs bigger, his birth was much easier. I cried thanking my midwife the next day, it was such a redeeming birth. Don't feel discouraged.
I had an easier delivery with my 9lb 1 oz baby (no tears) then with my little 7 pounder (episiotomy from V to A). I had no idea how big any of my kids were estimated to be since my OB doesn't believe in many interventions without legitimate medical reasons (no late u/s). I figured my 9 lb son would be somewhere in the 7 lb range like my two older kids. We were all stunned and how big he was...I really think it went so smoothly bc I had a clear mind. I wasn't expecting a huge baby so I didn't freak out. I think if I had known he'd be big I'd be super worried about my vagina exploding or something.