Are you on any kind of an anti depressant? Do you have anyone you can go to who understands? I hate when people act like its all in your head and something you can control but choose not to. Like I want to walk around feeling like im ready to jump in front of a car at any point. You have already taken a huge step which is acknowledging there is a problem. I really hope you can find some good support. Talk to your doctor or therapist maybe they can recommend a support group. Do you have someone to call for those really bad moments?