Do I Have to Let Him See Them? (Sorry, Long)

A lot of you guys know what's been going on between my husband and I...After a lot of consideration about what my options were, and also in part, because of what an ass he's been about everything, I've decided to give into what he wants and file for a divorce. I made this decision about a week ago...It's what's best for my kids and I.

Two days ago, I got a text from him, saying that he wants to see the kids this Tuesday. (Zoe's birthday)

Don't get me started on what an ass he is to do that to me. He has not seen, nor made an effort to see the kids for over a month, since this whole smurf began. He did not call to ask about our SON who was born three frickin' weeks ago. He doesn't even smurfing well know when he was born, and has made no effort to. All he did was text to say that he wants me to bring the kids to a restaurant so that he can take Zoe out for a birthday lunch.

I have had to deal with so much crap over the last month, it's unbelievable. I am beyond angry right now, that he thinks that he can just do everything he did, ignore us for over a month, and then waltz back in for her birthday. Plus, I'm even more worried about how Rue's going to deal with this. She's been having the worst time of this, and is just completely heartbroken right now. She is constantly asking when he's going to come back (I had to explain that he made some really bad choices, and that he and I couldn't be together anymore) Everytime I explain it to her again, it leads to a whole new meltdown. I don't know if she could deal with seeing him again, and then watching him leave. I also think that it'd probably just reset everything, her thinking that maybe he's going to come back, and getting all upset when he doesn't.

That's a lot of explaining and ranting to ask a question. (I will be talking to a lawyer on Friday, and going through the process of figuring out what my options are and how fast we can get this done) But since I won't have that council until Friday, do I have to let him see them? I don't want him to unless I absolutely have to, and even then I'll have a hard time with it. But can he just out of the blue, after having no communication with me whatsoever, demand that I let him see the kids? Sorry for the long rant...that wasn't planned!

ell you don't HAVE to but it is in your best interest to. you don't want to go to court and having him tell the judge that you have been keeping his kids from him. GL with every thing.

After all the smurf that bastard put you through, i wouldn't let him see them unless a custody order is in place. But i'm a bitch.

Your daughter's sake, I would meet him for a birthday lunch and be nice.

I know that is gut wrenching for you, but it has to be all about the kids.



Good luck, I remember that pain and sorrow. It's probably one of the worst feelings in the world, but you won't regret swallowing your pain and anger for the sake of your kids.

Quoting 1inpink2inblue:" ell you don't HAVE to but it is in your best interest to. you don't want to go to court and having him tell the judge that you have been keeping his kids from him. GL with every thing."

 

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this, I'm going through a divorce myself. It's best to try to remain civil. It will work in your favor in the end.

I think it will look better for you in court if you do let them have lunch. That way you look all nice and cooperative, so he can't come back and say you were keeping him from seeing themi

I hate when mothers use their child/ren as a reward or a punishment against the father, but if my child was affected negatively by him waltzing in and out, then no, because my job as their mother is to protect them from harm. He either needs to be a stable presence or not a presence at all...

I'm sad reading about your child asking about him and having meltdowns, poor baby...

Quoting 1inpink2inblue:" ell you don't HAVE to but it is in your best interest to. you don't want to go to court and having him tell the judge that you have been keeping his kids from him. GL with every thing."

Wow, could he use that against me? Even if he's made no effort to see them?

This is why I'm getting a lawyer...

Quoting .Solange.:" I hate when mothers use their child/ren as a reward or a punishment against the father, but if my child ... [snip!] ... presence or not a presence at all... I'm sad reading about your child asking about him and having meltdowns, poor baby..."

See, that's not what I'm trying to do. (Or at least, I think I'm not trying to do that)

If he had decided when the whole affair blew up in his face that he was still going to be a father, I'd feel differently. If he was still trying to be a father, and still wanting to fight for our family, we wouldn't be getting a divorce. We'd be getting counselling. That's what I wanted originally.

But he doesn't even know his son's name. He knows nothing about when he was born, or how much he weighed, or how much he weighs now. Nothing. He never even called or texted to ask about him.

I feel so bad for her. She just...it's beyond her. She doesn't understand how everything was so great, and then it just fell apart. She doesn't get why he's not around...She was always his girl. I just don't think it could do her any good seeing him, because I seriously doubt that he'll stick around. But I don't need to give him any ammunition, either. So I'm guessing that I'll have to take them, and just keep it short.

Quoting Boots+3:" Wow, could he use that against me? Even if he's made no effort to see them? This is why I'm getting a lawyer..."

Yes and you can use the fact that he is not making more of an effort to see them. The court favors the parent that encourages a relationship between the child/ren and other parent.

Quoting pilot Jess:" Your daughter's sake, I would meet him for a birthday lunch and be nice. I know that is gut wrenching ... [snip!] ... probably one of the worst feelings in the world, but you won't regret swallowing your pain and anger for the sake of your kids."

I agree!

I know it hurts.. but you have to think whats best for your kids.

Quoting Boots+3:" See, that's not what I'm trying to do. (Or at least, I think I'm not trying to do that) If he had decided ... [snip!] ... But I don't need to give him any ammunition, either. So I'm guessing that I'll have to take them, and just keep it short."

I know that's not what you're trying to do. You're doing the best you can. Personally, I would not let him see them because of your little girl being affected this way because he decided to be selfish. My heart really breaks hearing this. Omgosh

*Also: I was in the exact same situation a few months ago. It's absolutely terrible to see your child suffer because of their father's selfishness. They are not the ones trying to explain why daddy said he would come but never did. Why daddy isnt here when I want to play cars etc... It's just terrible  

I would call whatever lawyer your seeing on Friday and get their opinion. That way you know your legal options. I'm going to be in some what of the same boat soon. Not a divorce but just a break-up thankfully it's not as bad.

I personally would not recommend it due to the fact that the emotional roller coaster of seeing her father and him not being permanent in their life can do a lot of emotional and (with the meltdowns) mental instability with your children. It would be tons different if he was a constant presence.

I hope this helps some

i dont think i would but i would give an explanation as to why, preferably in a text or email that you can keep a trail of for court.

it is clearly going to negatively affect your daughters with him coming in and out of their life.

i would wait till you go to court and get some custodial and visitation schedule set up and in writing.

ETA i also wanted to add that i parentanked you, and im a newly single momma, BD left when my son was 6 weeks old, he had a 18 year old girlfriend at the time. we got back together for awhile, but are seperated again. im here for support if you need any!!

my son is now 15 months old and i honestly could not be happier

I know exactly how you feel. My ex keeps promising the kids they can go for the weekend then backing out and not even calling to tell them. He got them for 3 days and hasnt even called to talk to them. My son is having so much trouble with the entire situation it breaks my heart :/