not agreeing with how bf parent's his child

My boyfriend has a 3 year old daughter, she acts and looks the size of almost a 5 year old very advance. Anywho, she has her dad(my bf) wrapped around her finger, which is not always a bad thing but when she doesn't get her way she talks to him like he is dirt and screams she just want to go to her moms. My bf very rarely every disiplines her nor does he make her do anything she doesn't want to do, out of fear that she will get upset. She has absolutely no structure in her life and is bounced back and force between family members. I understand that she gets upset at her dad when she doesn't get what she wants or is told something she doesn't want to hear, only bc he always gives in to her, so it's all she knows she has to do. My issue is that it's affecting my life severely now, I feel like I am a slave in my own home. I ask them to not eat in the living room bc they( bf and daughter) can't clean up after themsleves and apparently that makes me just mean and controlling. She eats when she wants to and if she doesn't feel like eating breakfast,lunch, or dinner bc she wants junk food, well junk food it is.She doesn't have a bed time and when we go to sleep she will cry until her dad comes and sleeps with her. She knows at the drop of a tear she gets exactly what she wants and I know my boyfriend doesn't want to hurt her bc she is so young, but I can't keep living like this. I know his child comes first as mine would too, but I'm tired of being told i'm mean or she's only 3. his daughter and I have tons of fun together and she is like my own, when he is not around, due to the fact she knows crying won't get her anywhere with me. So when he is gone at work its always happy in my home and no reasons for tears. I just don't know what to do, or how to parent with someone who doesn't, in my opinion, parent there child.

I've been having the same issue with DH. I've sat down and talked to him about it a few times before, and he has gotten a lot better about it, but he's still got some work to do.

How long have you all been together?

we have talked about it and I have showed him examples of children that grew up the way he raises her, and he sees how the children never respect a thing that comes out of their parents mouth. And for the remainder of the day he will let me do the disipline without him stepping in and letting her get her way. But it's like as soon as I walk out the door, I'm a joke to them. We have been together about a year and half but they have lived with me since I pretty much met him a year and half ago.

Quoting Br%klyn:" we have talked about it and I have showed him examples of children that grew up the way he raises her, ... [snip!] ... them. We have been together about a year and half but they have lived with me since I pretty much met him a year and half ago. "

This sounds all too familiar. Seriously... It's frustrating, and I totally understand where you're coming from. There isn't a whole lot to do about it though, unless he sees a problem that needs fixing. If he's okay with her acting that way, he's not going to change at all. SO finally saw how DSS was acting out and being awful, and he got really frustrated. It was also a slap in the face when we'd go out in public, and he acted to horribly it was humiliating. Just keep expressing your concern, and maybe he'll get it.

Shw is 3. And honestly until he has a stable scedual with her he probably wants her happy for the time being. Why is he allowing her to bounce around!?

I think I have expressed it enough, I have been very nice about it, and I reward her good behavior constantly. But as she gets older the smarter she gets and its as if she is reversing her personality. She is so smart and can do so much for her self. But yet when her dad is home, she is still asking if he can pick up on and be set on the toliet, not just that, she wants him to stay in there until she is done. I don't think he is every going to "let her down" in his eyes. But all I see is he is raising his daughter to not be independent at all. I just don't think I can put myself through this and he tells me that i'm crazy.

Quoting I'm actually a virgin:" Shw is 3. And honestly until he has a stable scedual with her he probably wants her happy for the time being. Why is he allowing her to bounce around!?"

Her mother works, but she won't give us a schedule so we won't know if we have her, until the day before. We have have her 7 days a week normally and she goes to her mom's a few nights a week and then come back in the morning. But Between Him, myself and her mother working, and she isn't in daycare, we have to bounce between the 3 of us or my bf parents. Depending on what we have going on that day.

Quoting Br%klyn:" I think I have expressed it enough, I have been very nice about it, and I reward her good behavior constantly. ... [snip!] ... his daughter to not be independent at all. I just don't think I can put myself through this and he tells me that i'm crazy."

It's hard, trust me I know it is. Aside from expressing concerns there isn't much you can do about it. Ultimately, he can parent his child however he sees fit. The instability could also be a huge reason she wants to cling to daddy. I know DSS gets that way when something in the dynamic changes. If she's not on any type of schedule, and is being bounced between different adults all of the time, she's got no chance to adjust to all of the changes.

that's why I was saying I understand it's not her fault what so ever because she is only doing what she finds works with getting her way. What her father allows and rewards he to do isn't her fault, but it is definantly his. We have a son due at in 2 weeks and i just don't know how to make this work. Like I said I'm treated like the slave in the home. I don't feel loved and i seriously just feel like I'm taking care of a broken family. I know my hormones are crazy right now, but I for real feel like if I went to my bedroom for 2 days no one would notice.

I think you need to keep stressing your point. If it's like that now, imagine what it will be like when baby 2 comes and she gets upset because she doesn't have all the attention. And imagine what things will be like when your trying to discipline two instead of just the one. Your in a committed relationship now, he should be able to respect your opinion as well. Especially considering the fact that you are helping raise her now.

He may start to work out of that when your son is born...or it could get worse. I say stick it out for a bit longer and see what happens. You could try doing family rules and a fun little chart for her to be a "big girl". Like where she gets a star every time she goes to the potty without daddy, going to bed without a fight...different things like that. Then after so many stickers she can pick out a toy at the store (I recommend like the dollar store so you aren't spending a fortune. Or she gets a special day just daddy and her doing a thing of her choice (give options). It is tough with her going back and forth but if you set up something like the chart for at your house her attitude could change drastically.

The reward system seems like it would be great and it would work good but like I said, she listens to me and a rarely have to ask her to do anything because while she is with me she is like my little side kick, angel. She loves doing everything I do and she has absolutely no problem taking anap at nap time or eating when it's time to eat, picking up her toys, ect. It's when dad gets home, she turns into a crying and whining child, when it's not nessarry.When dad gets home I give them the attention together and no not come between them at all. And thats where it becomes I am the joke in the house. So she has no reason to do anything with me or listen to me anymore, bc he dad doens't ask her to do anything and she isn't told it bedtime, dinner time, bath time. He gives her the option and of course she wants to say in his lap so she refusess everything that doesn't involve him holding her hand through the whole process.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Br%klyn:</b>" The reward system seems like it would be great and it would work good but like I said, she listens to ... [snip!] ... she wants to say in his lap so she refusess everything that doesn't involve him holding her hand through the whole process."</blockquote>


That's kind of what the system is for she has to earn more stars than when it's just the two of you and he could be involved in setting it up. If he sees her get excited about it he should be able to follow thru on it. Make him watch some Supernanny with you lol they actually had it where the parents were still wiping the kids butt at like 4 or 5. It isn't healthy for her to be babied like that. Anyway, I say try the rewards thing and see how it goes.

Quoting ~Raylan's Mama~:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Br%klyn:</b>" The reward system seems like it would be great ... [snip!] ... butt at like 4 or 5. It isn't healthy for her to be babied like that. Anyway, I say try the rewards thing and see how it goes."

lol yes we watch super nanny! lol im at work watching it now. And i will try that out. thank you

Quoting Br%klyn:" My boyfriend has a 3 year old daughter, she acts and looks the size of almost a 5 year old very advance. ... [snip!] ... reasons for tears. I just don't know what to do, or how to parent with someone who doesn't, in my opinion, parent there child."

You two need to sit down together and come up with some rules and common ground for parenting. I had the same issue with my husband's son from a previous marriage. He is a good kid but my husband just didn't know how to set boundaries. We talked it over and I explained how both kids need to be treated the exact same way when they're here. Thankfully it was pretty easy for us to do. There will be some struggles but you have to talk about it and decide how to parent before she comes over so you're on the same page.