re: smurf it.

Quoting Mother of One plus One:" I wouldn't want her to stay. To AP, I can't afford to leave. I don't work. And I want to leave because ... [snip!] ... me to leave. He is tired of it. Tired of what? I just feel like I failed. I failed my kids. Its eaiser to pretend for them."

Your marriage has nothing to do with your kids.
Your marriage is yours.
Your relationship with your kids is separate.

You will need to get a job, there's no way around that. But you're already alone. The only difference is you'll be alone on your own terms without someone making you hate yourself.

You'll learn more in leaving than you did in the X years you were with him.

If he's making you feel bad about yourself, it's not worth it. Your kids will see the way he treats you and think that is the way they should be treated. Children set standards from what they see growing up. Leave for yourself... but know that it won't be worse for the children. It will be better. You all deserve better  

When he got home yesterday he cried and begged me not to leave. He told me he would watch them while I went to school or whatever I wanted for me to stay. That he knows he should be supportive. This is why it is so hard for me to walk away. I love him,I know he loves me,but sometimes I am just so tired of trying so hard to suck it up and move on from what he has said. I was ready to leave lastnight,once he saw I was leaving he begged on his knees for me to stay...I don't want to feel like I haven't tried enough.

Quoting Mother of One plus One:" When he got home yesterday he cried and begged me not to leave. He told me he would watch them while ... [snip!] ... lastnight,once he saw I was leaving he begged on his knees for me to stay...I don't want to feel like I haven't tried enough."

Honey, I'm not going to pretend I know your exact situation. But I have been in a similar situation before. I have been in it a few times, actually. Each time I went to leave, they would cry and beg me to stay, promising to change. The change never came. And because I loved them so much, I believed they could change. The first guy it took me FOREVER, and some jail time to leave him. Yeah, smurf got that bad. We both went to jail one night, and then my mind and my heart were finally in agreement. I was released before he was, I went home, packed my smurf, and got the smurf out, never to look back. I haven't heard or seen from him since. The second one was my ex husband. He would treat me like I was next to nothing, not worth a minute of his time, and would get down on me SO hard for spending money on necessary items like clothing. At one time I had only one pair of blue jeans, one pair of shoes, and like 3 shirts. It got easier for me to leave him toward the end, because I had been living without him for so long (he'd been in Germany for a year). The last guy was a lot of the same way, would treat me like I was less than he was, called me fat, just generally treated me like smurf. And each time I'd tell him that he wasn't welcome in my home anymore and that I didn't want to see him anymore, he'd get upset, telling me he loved me. He convinced me that I *needed* him, otherwise how would I survive? It took SO coming along and breaking his hold on me to get away from him. SO made me feel amazing, and was just a wonderful person to be around. Still is.
My point in all of this is don't stick around if you're legitimately unhappy. He may say he's going to change, promise you the world. And things may change, for a while. But it will always go back to the same smurf, because it's part of his nature.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Mama Crash ☮:</b>" Honey, I'm not going to pretend I know your exact situation. But I have been in a similar situation ... [snip!] ... the world. And things may change, for a while. But it will always go back to the same smurf, because it's part of his nature. "</blockquote>




Thank you. I just don't know what to do. I feel stuck. I want to believe him. He has never tried to stop me from leaving before. I think this time he seen I was done. I told him if smurf doesn't change I WILL leave. He will lose the family he has. My mind doesn't want me here but my heart is saying, "just stay,this is your family you are splitting up,try harder,for them."

<blockquote><b>Quoting Mother of One plus One:</b>" When he got home yesterday he cried and begged me not to leave. He told me he would watch them while ... [snip!] ... lastnight,once he saw I was leaving he begged on his knees for me to stay...I don't want to feel like I haven't tried enough."</blockquote>




How many times has he begged you?
Every time you get the courage to leave?
How long does it take him to go back to doing the same things?
He's playing you like a piano.

He knows exactly what buttons to push to get what he wants. The negative and the positive ones.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Red Bottom:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Mother of One plus One:</b>" When he got home yesterday he cried ... [snip!] ... playing you like a piano. He knows exactly what buttons to push to get what he wants. The negative and the positive ones."</blockquote>




Once. I did leave and he begged me to come back the next day. Over 2yrs ago. He has never tried to stop me from leaving,always just tells me to go ahead,leave. You're right though. I am stupid.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Mother of One plus One:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Red Bottom:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Mother of ... [snip!] ... 2yrs ago. He has never tried to stop me from leaving,always just tells me to go ahead,leave. You're right though. I am stupid."</blockquote>




Stop victimizing yourself. Your husband does that enough. Find your strength.

I ca<blockquote><b>Quoting Red Bottom:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Mother of One plus One:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting ... [snip!] ... though. I am stupid."</blockquote> Stop victimizing yourself. Your husband does that enough. Find your strength."</blockquote>




I can't!

<blockquote><b>Quoting Mother of One plus One:</b>" I ca<blockquote><b>Quoting Red Bottom:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Mother ... [snip!] ... Stop victimizing yourself. Your husband does that enough. Find your strength."</blockquote> I can't!"</blockquote>




You absolutely can't if that's your attitude. You're in charge of your future. You're not going to get it back until you start acting like it.

Ten<blockquote><b>Quoting Red Bottom:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Mother of One plus One:</b>" I ca<blockquote><b>Quoting ... [snip!] ... can't if that's your attitude. You're in charge of your future. You're not going to get it back until you start acting like it."</blockquote>



Listen,I know that. I know I can controll what I do,I just can not bring myself to walk away from the only home my girls know. To walk away and their mother and father be split up,something they have never experienced. I don't want it to seem like I haven't tried hard enough.

Quoting Mother of One plus One:" When he got home yesterday he cried and begged me not to leave. He told me he would watch them while ... [snip!] ... lastnight,once he saw I was leaving he begged on his knees for me to stay...I don't want to feel like I haven't tried enough."

You need to leave. I have been in that place.. And it is not good. And I thank god he left. He gave me a chance at a normal life and he gave our son a chance for living a normal life too. Leave. It is not good for your kids to see what is going on. And he sounds very controlling.

Quoting Mother of One plus One:" Ten<blockquote><b>Quoting Red Bottom:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Mother ... [snip!] ... mother and father be split up,something they have never experienced. I don't want it to seem like I haven't tried hard enough."

You've been trying. You've been trying for years. You've been miserable for years.
Stop trying to blame this on your children, and realize that you walking away would be the best thing not only for you, but for your kids. Do you really want them to think that this is what a normal, functioning relationship is like?

ETA: Also, them being emotionally abused as they grow up is and would be completely your fault.

Your children understand a lot more, and pick up on a lot more things than you think they do. This means that all your pretending, in a little while, won't mean smurf. They do feel when you're not alright, and it affects them. So you can keep going like this, miserable and broken, and all you're teaching them is that they have to tolerate this kind of treatment, and this kind of emotion because mommy did it. I'm not trying to be mean to you, sweetheart, trust me. But this is not a good example for them to follow. I know you don't want to split your family up, but if you keep allowing this, that's exactly what will happen. You and your children stand a lot better chance maintaining a happy, healthy relationship if you leave him now.