This is so hard

I had to leave the hospital tonight. DH has to go back to work in the morning and I have to be home with DS during the day. I feel like I've abandoned my baby. He's laying there in NICU, drugged up, hooked up to all kinds of equipment and I'm at home, in his room without him.

It's not fair that I have to have an empty belly and an empty crib. It's not fair I had to bring his little coming home outfit home without him in it. It's not fair that he was term and was still under developed. I feel like I did something wrong. I forgot my prenatal one too many times or I didn't eat enough vegetables or something.

I know I'm throwing myself a pity party. I can't help it. I needed to get it out.

oh mama!
It's not your fault.
Don't beat yourself up! I'm so sorry   I hope he will be able to come home soon!

*hugs*

Aww I'm so sorry & I hope he comes home soon. I just read your birth story & his update

Im so sorry hun.... it's not your fault though. All sorts of girls forget their prenatals or eat like crap. I never ate meat and didnt have many supplements, but ya know, NO ONE eats perfect!

Things happen, and it's not your fault. **hugs**

Quoting M walls:" Aww I'm so sorry & I hope he comes home soon. I just read your birth story & his update"

  

I just read both as well!
He's such a handsome little guy!
He was born on my oldest 5th birthday!

Thanks, guys. Still hoping he's home by the weekend but this is going to be a long week.

I'm sorry, lady. But take comfort in knowing that you are missing him more than he is missing you.

I knew my son was going to be born small so I was terrified of something like this happening to me. I didn't take prenatals, I ate like I was eating for 4, I even smoked through out my pregnancy some, didn't exercise. We're not perfect. It's impossible to suddenly become perfect when you get a positive test. You did nothing wrong and I can bet your little booger will be home, in his crib and in his new clothes, very soon!

I felt the same way. I think it's a very normal reaction to have. I am so sorry he hasn't been able to come home yet. But please know you did nothing wrong! He is getting the help he needs and he will be home soon. Go ahead and throw yourself as big a pitty party as you need!

That sucks! Can you not go stay with him in the hospital? I spent about a week separated from mine while they were in the NICU, but got to go stay there again once they started being able to breastfeed through the night. Our hospital had a mom's bunking room for $5 per night to stay in and they called when baby was up ready to feed during the night. Sorry if they don't have that option! Hopefully he's home with you really soon!

Thanks again, ladies. I just feel like I tried to do everything better with this pregnancy and ended up with a less healthy child. It doesn't make sense. I ate less fast food, I quit smoking, I ate fruit instead of fatty snacks, I beat myself up every time I forgot my prenatal, I tried so hard. And he came out almost a pound bigger than my first and was three weeks earlier. It just doesn't make sense.

I am allowed to stay at the hospital for free as long as they don't need the room for a patient, but I have to be home with my other son because DH had to go back to work today. We don't put him in daycare or have a baby sitter. MIL and FIL watched him last week and over the weekend, but they're out of PTO now and also had to go back to work. I've been calling NICU every few hours, but it's not the same as seeing him. When we went up there last night his little hand was all swollen because he knocked out yet another IV and the fluid built up under his skin. They had to give him several shots to make sure it didn't do any tissue damage or something. Then he has a fingertip sized burn on his wrist from the calcium they were giving him. I don't even know how that happened, but I have decided I don't like the nurse that had him last night.

He's had to have his IV replaced at least once a day since he's been born. He has little holes all over him   I haven't even gotten to hold him since the day he was born. He's 4 days old and no one has held him. It just doesn't seem right.

I'm so sorry you're going through this  
Prenatals wouldn't do that it's not your fault.. Don't blame yourself things do happen. Your baby will be home and healthy in no time xx

I would blame myself, too. So, I can understand. Do your best to be strong for your little one and your new baby. Enjoy the time you spend with him, let him feel your happiness that he is alive and he is here! Also, are you allowed to do skin to skin with him? I have seen that it is extremely effective in helping to heal unwell newborns.

Quoting Tiger Lily ♥:" I would blame myself, too. So, I can understand. Do your best to be strong for your little one and your ... [snip!] ... are you allowed to do skin to skin with him? I have seen that it is extremely effective in helping to heal unwell newborns."

No   He's hooked up to too many things to get him up and doesn't like being touched. I have however been sharing a little stuffed tiger with him. I keep it in my shirt all day and then at night I take it to him and lay in against the top of his head. It's the closest thing I can get.

Quoting Reise's Mommy:" No   He's hooked up to too many things to get him up and doesn't like being touched. I have however ... [snip!] ... my shirt all day and then at night I take it to him and lay in against the top of his head. It's the closest thing I can get."

That's a nice idea!