My Mental Health Story (pt. 1)

This is the first part of the story of my struggle for mental wellness.

It will be a VERY long one, so if you're not in for a novella you probably would be better served to click to another topic. I believe I will break it up into smaller, more readable segments based on content.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, I beg of you the mercy and kindness I have seen you all show members who really needed it and/or bared their soul. I am not looking for advice. I'm not looking to be cut down and criticized for my past. I KNOW what I have done wrong. TRUST ME WHEN I SAY that I feel so badly about parts of my past that I will probably feel the guilt until the day I die. I continue to try to accept my past and the mistakes I have made-- I am writing this to show struggling people that things DO get better. People do change. Mental wellness is an attainable goal for everyone who strives for it. If even ONE person reads my story and finds enlightenment or hope, then it would be worth the 100 people that read it and think I'm an awful person. While there may not be anything in this part of my story that is "incriminating" so-to-speak, I feel there is something to learn in every part of my story from a large range of ages.

Part 1- I WAS a Child.

Ok, I'll start where every worthwhile story starts- at the beginning.

I'd say that I first knew something wasn't right in my mind when I was around 13. Before that age, I identified with most of my peers in that I thought my parents were morons, hated doing chores, was jealous of my older sibling and had a ton of hormones. That being said, my parents are wonderful people that did the best job they could raising my older sister and I on high school diploma jobs. They were even pretty strict by most people's standards. Their strictness, however, was only a mere deterrent for a clever 13/14 year old, filled to the brim with puberty, that liked to tag along with her older sister who just got a driver's license.

To make a longer story shorter, when I was around the age of 13/14 I ended up being taken advantage of and molested by men who were 20-24 years old. I could go into further detail but I feel like it's not necessary because NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, GROWN MEN (18+) that DO SO MUCH AS KISS a CHILD (13/14 year old) ARE MOLESTERS AND ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE CHILD. While I can even say that I ENJOYED the sensation/feeling of being desired - it was WRONG. I even remember the distinct feeling that I didn't really want to do most of the things they were pushing on me- but coercion and acceptance are very compelling motives to an awkward, insecure 13/14 year old girl. To spell it out for the people reading, oral sex statutory rape was what happened to me (more than once), among other lesser (but still harmful) acts. The main molester we will reference as *Dude*. He may get mentioned in a later part of my story.

Much/ALL of this went on before I was to be home at 10pm with my sister. My parents figured that my level headed sister would not let anything stupid happen to me. She was 16. She, like my parents, were naive to the fact that molesters came in the form of normal looking 20 something year old men who were friends of my sister.

To this day, my mom and dad are clueless about the goings on mentioned above but back then I didn't want them to stop me (because hey, it felt good) and because like any good victim, I wanted to protect those molesting me. Now I wouldn't tell them because it would simply BREAK their hearts to know. And because the people involved still live in the community my parents live in- though now they're married and not hanging out with little girls any more. No DA anywhere could get a conviction for crimes with no physical evidence that happened 11+ years ago. I have considered writing an "anonymous" letter to those people that hurt me, but I still need to carefully consider what I would write, what I would gain and what the consequences could be. I don't think they are the classic re-offend type of pedophiles that will molest kids into their nursing home years- I think that I was a convenient "outlet" for them at the time.

It is REALLY not fair. My parents did EVERYTHING right. My dad was in the home. He was a positive male model for my sister and I. My mother sacrificed a lot to be able to stay at home with us until we got into school. We had dinner at the dinner table EVERY night. My parents were involved with my school and extra activities- but I still turned out to be a victim of abuse/rape and, in turn, have a decreased threshold for mental illness.

Because you baby girls out there that I see posting about your baby daddies that are 19 and 20 (and older) when you're 15- it DOES impact your mind. It CHANGES the way your brain chemistry works. It CHANGES you. It changes what you expect from men. It changes what you expect and accept for yourself. While I have SO MUCH MORE to say on the topic of older men/young girl "relationships".... I will go on...

I ended up getting a boyfriend when I was 15/16 (he was 16/17) and it was him who I lost my virginity to. I dated him for about a year and a half. I was 16 and was already on anti-depressants for a short time. I then ended up meeting a nice guy who was my age, we were both 16, and he would be the man that I now call my ex-husband. We were together from the time I was 16 until I was 22. I will probably leave off here because it's a good ending point.

I lost my virginity a month after my 13 birthday on a family vacation to a 21 year old man who was the son of my mothers friend. They all didnt clue in to what he was doing.

Makes me ill as a grown women to see how disgusting it is for a grown man to look at and abuse a child like that.

Thanks for sharing your story. Ill look for part 2

I've had a similar experience. I was 14 years old and a 23/24 year old man was basically brainwashing me, and I almost ran away with him to another state... It frightens me to think about what could of happened to me. Me being naieve, I thought it was true love and blahblahblah

Just seeing that the first 2 replies to my story are so similar to mine... it is breaking my heart. I want to show these girls on here that are going through the same thing... that it DOES FEEL GOOD but it is WRONG and it will negatively impact you forever. Thank you so much for showing me that other people are relating-- for me, it was shameful to admit that I did these things when I was 13/14... but I see now that I was a VICTIM.

I am so sorry for what you have been through.

I am truly stricken by how well written your story is, and I am eager to read part 2. You are an amazing writer.

For the people out there that have been though similar things... how have you dealt with the anger? I am still so very very angry. And do you think it'd be a terrible idea to write a letter to these people? I'm thinking along the lines of writing that when their daughter turns 13 that I PRAY they are never looked at as prey by an older man. I want to write that I want them to look at the daughter when she turns 13 and IMAGINE what it would have felt like to be my father. IMAGINE someone being a predator- and I want them to apologize. I do, sort of, want them to be scared too. I don't want it to come off as blackmail- because that is illegal. But I think these people have no clue about how much damage they did to me. I want them to know.

I had just turned 16 and a month later, actually about 2weeks later got pregnant by a 22yr old guy. It was horrible, now that I look back at my mistakes and what I did was totally against my RAISING. I love my son to death, but a lot of the time I wish to see his sperm donar and kill him.

Nowhere to be found. I have also been raped multiple times when I was 15-17 by MUCH older men. I wont go into the entire story. But, I can relate and Im here if you EVER want to talk 

Quoting StinkyPossumLover!:" Just seeing that the first 2 replies to my story are so similar to mine... it is breaking my heart. I ... [snip!] ... are relating-- for me, it was shameful to admit that I did these things when I was 13/14... but I see now that I was a VICTIM. "

the part that makes me sickest...is I tried to make it feel right by trying to make a relationship with this man. I would go to his house (when we got back from vacation) every morning, have sex with him and go about our day. He was close friends with my BFFs brother (unknown to me at the time) my best friend took me to his house one night ( I think she knew what she was doing cause shes amazing) and he was there with a bunch of his friends....and his 20 year old girlfriend. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. Thats when I stopped it. Eventually the whole small town found out, including my mother.


I think you can start by writing your letters. Writing it out helps, and maybe when you're done you wont feel the need to send them, just writing it and getting it out will be good enough. Maybe you can take them to a great spot, say goodbye to your past, burn them and promise yourself to never forget, but to move on and make this experience your past -ITS NOT WHO YOU ARE!.


As far as dealing with it for me, I am almost 35 now, it was a long long time ago.I have a man who loves and respects me, a wonderful son and a new baby on the way. What happen in my past does not define me, who I am everyday defines me.
And I will never never turn a blind eye to my kids or be the parent that thinks "it wont happen to me".
The day after he raped me my mom found my underwear and they had a bit of blood from my hymen breaking. She asked why I was bleeding as she knew it wasnt my time of the month, I shrugged it off and she never thought further into it, if she had...the abuse and disgusting behaviour never would of continued.

Quoting StinkyPossumLover!:" For the people out there that have been though similar things... how have you dealt with the anger? I ... [snip!] ... because that is illegal. But I think these people have no clue about how much damage they did to me. I want them to know."

I actually spoke to the guy about a year ago. He has a daughter who he lost custody of because he got caught downloading child pornography... I let him have it.. It didnt make me feel much better, because he just didnt care. Kept saying " I really loved you and still do"   it was a waste of time..

I don't have a lot of time to write a proper reply (I have saved this thread all day on my computer and FINALLY got to read it).

But, for now, I just wanted to say that you are incredibly brave to share your story & I cannot wait for the next part. I see so much of my own experiences in your words that it DOES help to share it, to read others' journeys and to know you are NOT alone is immeasurable. Thank you & I really think you should keep these & try publishing this (even if it's on your own.... amazon has a LOT of resources for self-publishing through Kindle).