My family is just so messed up. I know everyone's is in some way. Mine kst cannot communicate. I can't tell my mom anything without her getting her feelings hurt and bawling. That's not healthy. I want to be able to express things to her. Confide in her. Nope. Can't. My father rarely talks to me. The younger two are his favorite. Tells them he loves them is proud of them blah blah. Not me. Will not speak to me for weeks on end just because. I still live at my parents with DD and SO. Will be out in April.
I'm so thankful for their help. I help with what I can. Sometimes I just feel like nothing will EVER be ok.. Sometimes I just want nothing to do with them but I can't do that to DD. I don't want her growing up with no family. My dad is so opposed to therapy or counseling.. that will never be an option. I have so much resentment and hurt in my heart. I want my family to get along and be happy. I want to be able to vent and have a conversation with my mom without her getting defensive and snapping at me. I want my dad to love me like my brother and sister. It's hurtful seeing that you know? I hate having to force conversation with my dad and hope he is not randomly mad at me.. I can never do right. I know I was a bad teenager. I get it. I acted out because I needed that love and attention.. I guess all I can do is break the cycle and have a better relationship with my daughter.
Just needed to vent. Literally have nobody to talk to.
I'll be 21 in a month. I don't think its my age... I am always told I'm like an old soul. I have always felt so much more mature for my age.. I have tried so many times to talk to them and it just doesn't register.. That's why I suggested counseling. An outsider looking in. An unbiased opinion. Not having it. My dad says its weak. It's been like this since I was super young. It just is so hard and I resent them so much cause I look at DD and want nothing more than just for her to feel loved and that she can come to me woth anything. I couldn't imagine never telling her I loved her. I just don't get it. I'm "the smurf up." The kid that was a bad kid and did bad things.. that was 6 years ago... I smoked pot and ditched school and snuck out. I didmy kill anyone and have paid for it. Ugh. It just breaks my heart. Idk what more to do. I'm at a loss..