I know it's long - Needed to vent .. Need help.
posted 1st Feb
Never in a million years did I think I'd be posting here.. But here I am.
I'm just having a really hard time with this, still, and I need to vent to people who understand because I'm about to break
All my life I've loved kids and dreamt about becoming a mother. But, under traditional settings. Married, in a huge house, with a special nursery, all planned out. But my dreams were rudely interrupted a little over a year ago when I found out that I actually didn't even find out until I was about 12 weeks. My parents were obviously furious, and me and the baby's father weren't together or on speaking terms. He didn't want anything to do with it.
I was so intent on keeping that baby. I had so many plans in mind, I didn't know how it was gonna work out but I just knew that it was, and everything was gonna be okay. Wrong. Weeks went on and I continued on fighting with my parents, who were my primary support in everything (food, shelter, money) but they never gave it a chance. Especially my father. He said that he would support me through an abortion, but he wouldn't support any other option I chose. Basically, " Stay and get an abortion, or keep it and get out."
I didn't know what to do, so scared, alone, and somehow, still happy. So excited for that baby. Coming up with names, organizing registries online, etc.. Weeks went on, and I hadn't been to one single doctors appointment, except for the one at Planned Parenthood, that confirmed the pregnancy. So unorganized and such a mess, but I was so giddy inside and anxious, filled with joy every time little one moved inside. I just new that if some time passed my family would get over their anger and come around to help me. Wrong again.
To them it was more of an image thing. They seemed to care most about what other people would think of me, instead of how I would feel.
I had no job, no money to pay for doctor's appointments, etc.. and was 16 weeks pregnant. When my dad gave me his final ultimatum, and I agreed.
The next week was all a blur except for one part. The hospital I was going to needed an ultrasound before the procedure. I remember everything. Images still flash back in my head of watching that monitor, seeing that little human fidgeting, and I'm almost sure I fell in love with that baby in an instant.
But I couldn't do it. Or at least I was convinced of that.
I'm not blaming anyone, because it was all my fault. I've accepted that. But I still feel so weak, for not standing up to my parents, and not fighting for my own child. I feel so guilty and wrong. Over a year later, and I still don't know how to cope. I'm so empty inside and it's really killing me. I don't know what to do. Not a day goes by where I don't think about how things could have been, and I always feel like I've made the wrong decision. A dire mistake, and theres no taking back. The pain has subsided. But every now and then, it escalates to these periods where I just sit and cry until I don't have tears left. I don't know. I hate myself sometimes.
I just need help.
posted 1st Feb
i hate stories like this, you were pressured into something you truly knew you didnt want-given an ultimatum and as a kid with no other support....i understand the fear. i was in the same spot when i was 18 and in school. They didnt make me get an abortion, i never admitted to being pregnant but they told me i was and said they would kick me out because they werent supporting it.
i had never been so low in my life. i felt so alone, and so scared....so many things crossed my mind.
then when i did loose it....i thought "thank god"
i tortured myself for years after that...how could i be so happy over such a horrible thing?
A lot of things can be said- you have learned so much, you will be ready when its time, you will be brave, only time can ease the pain, it wasnt the right time or situation, you will have a better life to offer....
none of that is relevant to you now. and i know it seems like it is just words to cover up your pain that is so real...but really, its what happens. you will never forget, never fully heal but you will come to terms, your own way and your own time. I hope that time is soon.
Sorry you had to go through this...<3