I'm a bad mom, and I need help. [Long]

I was going to post this under BG Secrets, but as much as I'm ashamed by this, I know there has to be someone else going through it. I really need support.

I don't really know how far to back this up.

When I was 14 I found out I had a lot of problems with ovarian cysts. I ovulated two or three at a time and sometimes they would just hurt so badly when I ovulated that I couldn't walk. Shortly thereafter (before I was 15) I had my first miscarriage...a product of rape.It was my first sexual encounter. After that I found out I had endometriosis, and my problems have just gotten increasingly bad from there. It was nothing more than another miscarriage and really smurffy periods really, and I dealt with it. It was normal to me.

I must have some smurffy luck, because I ended up being forced into sex again by a guy I had been dating for three weeks when I was 19 years old. I don't say rape, because we were both drunk.. I tried to get him to stop but he wouldn't, and honestly I just didn't care. I was broken down emotionally and I didn't want to fight. We broke up immediately, because I had dealt with abuse far too much to deal with that smurf.

I got pregnant by him.

It stuck.

I remember having intense bleeding and cramping, and just knowing I had had unprotected "sex", I did a test. It was positive. The bleeding and cramping got worse a day or two later, so I went to the hospital. Just because of my history and my health, I figured I wouldn't have a viable pregnancy. They did an ultrasound to check how the baby was doing and I was amazed to see that there was a heartbeat there. I was actually pregnant. Not miscarrying, still very much pregnant.

I didn't come to terms with that fact until I was about 7 months. I was on bedrest for most of it because my uterus was tilted and I had issues with my placenta. Every pregnancy is rough but there were moments where it might have ended...my baby fought hard to stay alive.

She was born at 39 weeks and 4 days via a C-Section. Absolutely perfect and beautiful in every way, 7lbs 4oz, just absolutely perfect.

I try so hard to make the best decisions for her. I researched everything like a madman, immunizations, car seats, different parenting techniques, every backwoods wives tale my family tried to tell me got fact-checked, I did every possible thing to be informed about being a parent. I wanted to be the best I could be despite the situation I was put in. I tried for two weeks after they said my body wouldn't produce milk to breastfeed, I just kept trying during feedings until it was obvious it wouldn't happen.

I should be so thankful that I have her. I am, I know I am but I don't show it the way I should.

I didn't want this. I wasn't ready to be a mom. I tried, I've been trying, but I just don't feel that connection. I'm inpatient with her. I don't hurt her but I get frustrated and yell and I don't mean to.

I'm starting to resent her, and I don't want to. I feel horrible and I hate myself daily for it.

Everyone is always telling me what a good mom I am when they see me in public, or when they see me at home and I'm taking care of her. They say I do so well despite all of my health issues, and being a single mom until very recently.

But I hate myself. I hate that I had her so young. I hate that I had her before I had a life for myself, let alone her.

I don't want to give her up. I want to be her mother. I want to ENJOY it. I want to LOVE what I do.. I do love her, but...smurf. I'm starting to just get so angry with myself and her all of the time.

She's only 15mo. I should be better at this by now. I should be over everything. What am I doing wrong? Someone, please help, please tell me it gets better. =[ I want to be a good mommy for my baby so badly.

Sorry for bad grammar and spelling, and TIA for any advice...

Before anyone says this, I can't seek therapy right now. I would really like to, but I just can't.

Maybe you need a break for a day or two?

I'm sorry that happened, and I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I struggled with similar feelings with my first for a very long time.

I think you may need to go talk to a therapist. You need to get your emotions out and get to the root of all of this. Shes just a baby, can you imagine feeling like that for years to come?

You are not alone. I have a 4 year old and a 16 month old. I love my kids with everything in my being, BUT, I also resent my 16 month old a lot. I wanted him and I did try for him, so that is a lot different from your situation. However, with that said, I had PPD bad after his birth. And even over a year later I still get some of the same feelings I experienced then, now.

I know people tell you that children are not an inconvenience, and they shouldn't be. But as human beings, and especially in your situation, it's hard not to see them that way at times. It feels like they hate you when they don't want to sleep or they change their schedules, throw tantrums, etc. And you can't help but feel resentment because despite all your best efforts, they just aren't willing to compromise.

It will get better. This is something I have to keep reminding myself daily, and most of the time, several times a day. Do you think you could benefit from seeing a therapist? This is something I have been heavily looking into and really considering. Kids are hard, period. And even harder when you're completely unprepared for them and have to quickly adjust to being in parent mode. Some people adjust like nothing, and others like us just have a harder time than most.

my dd is 13 months and sometimes i wish i had been older and we had our smurf together. im 23 and so is 24. sometimes i get frustrated and one time i smacked her hand. my hand mostly covered hers but still it was done out of anger and im ashamed that i did it. I had alot of resentment toward so bc he could just go out and not have a baby attached to him 24/7. dd is ebf. plus his family drama almost destroyed our relationship. sometimes i wonder if maybe they are right. am i really a smurf mom bc of the parenting style we chose? (ap) you need to find a sitter and go out on the town with your new so. have a night without a baby. recharge yourself. i think where some of this guilt is coming from is the the fact that you have never had a relationship that was just for you b4 and you are happy with him but it makes you feel like you arnt putting 100 percent into your daughter like you did when you were alone

Honestly, I felt this way for at least two years before I accepted this as my life (I was 17 when I got pregnant). Even now, I don't have as much patience as most parents, but I try my best and DD is happy and healthy - I wouldn't consider myself one of those woman born to be a mother. As she gets older I can see my future more and more clear, and I don't feel like I'm actually missing out on as much as I use to think. She's almost 4 now and I can finally reclaim my life as well as being a parent (ie. having friends, going out once in a while, going back to school, etc).

Quoting Little_Discourage:" You are not alone. I have a 4 year old and a 16 month old. I love my kids with everything in my being, ... [snip!] ... quickly adjust to being in parent mode. Some people adjust like nothing, and others like us just have a harder time than most. "

All of this is so, so true. Everyone says that the moment their kid was born, their life just magically fell together but that's wrong for a lot of us. A lot of mothers put up a front, trust me. Almost every mother loves their kids, but parenting doesn't come easy to a lot of people.

Quoting Rd.:" Honestly, I felt this way for at least two years before I accepted this as my life (I was 17 when I got ... [snip!] ... finally reclaim my life as well as being a parent (ie. having friends, going out once in a while, going back to school, etc)."

THIS ^ sounds just like me. I became a mother at 15 and again at 16( then my 3rd at 21). I am 22 now, and I still don't have the patience that I thought I would have by now. I don't yell or scream but I always find myself aggravated, a good 75 % of the time. I hate that I am like that. I feel overwhelmed by them and the heartbreak/struggles that life throws at me, but I just keep trying to not let it get me completely down, because if I ever get completely down I am scared I won't come back up.

You may have PPD mama..

I feel the exact same way *hugs*

I spoke to my DR and have just got on medication.

My eldest is 21mo my youngest 4mo..

I'd find myself yelling at the new baby and if i didn't yell i'd want to.. feeling disconnected from him etc.

Consider speaking to your DR, it will get better if you're willing to seek help
xx

Oh, hon... you really are not a bad mom. I also became pregnant by rape. My son just turned two. When I found out I was pregnant I hid in my room at first and just cried and kicked and emotionally fought it so hard. The worst part is that I was engaged to another man. He was actually the one to pick me up and talk to the police. Eventually he just couldn't deal with it and I went through a period of resentment and bitterness because of all the problems my pregnancy presented. I always loved my son, but sometimes it was a matter of ONLY keeping up appearances as a good mom because that was all I had. I had to eventually turn to attachment style parenting because I knew if I wasn't gentle I would be too hard.
It's been a successful transition. Now when I get angry I whisper (I had to go the other way). Even though he's two I still try to get in a lot of skin to skin contact. It helps us bond and connect. And on days when we've had a tough time it helps to heal the emotional hurt. I also let him sleep with me sometimes and get every second with him I can. It's not always because that's what I want, but I feel less disconnected and more like I'm being some form of a good parent.
Hope this helps some.   If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always open to listen, too.

I'm a rape survivor too. My daughter was not the product of assault, but came unplanned during a time where I was struggling with a lot of trauma and only 18 years old. It took longer than I would have liked to initially bond with her, and honestly, I still have moments of feeling like I'm not good enough and not doing right by her. I'm pregnant again and having complications that have put me on bed rest and unable to be there for my daughter, and I feel like a terrible parent choosing between my kids. It WILL be okay. The fact that you have enough clarity to reach out for help is a tribute to how much you love your child. Reproduction is often a really sensitive topic for survivors, since it brings up a lot of body control issues. Sometimes it doesn't just disappear after birth, and it's okay to take the time to heal and learn about who you are, who your child is, and how you work together.

Anyways, I just wanted to put it out there that while my situation isn't exactly the same I've still felt a lot of what you're feeling. If you ever want to talk about anything at all you can PM me. Hey, if there's a bonus to bed rest it's that I have loads of time to listen!

I don't have any awesome advice, but you know I love you. I hate to see you hurting. <3

Have you spoken to your doctor about possibly having PPD?

I really don't know what to say. I didn't expect so many people to be going through the same thing. It makes me wonder how my other mommy friends are doing. Thank you, everyone. =[

I can't afford therapy right now. When I said I can't do therapy, I really meant that I can't.

I can't even afford to go to the doctor for my regular meds...so I'm sure that has something to do with it too.

Quoting The Andromeda Strain:" I really don't know what to say. I didn't expect so many people to be going through the same thing.

More women that you can even expect are going through this or have. Very few voice it to their friends/fam IRL for reasons like shame, and not wanting to sound like you hate your child, and stuff like that. I haven't voiced it ao anyone other than my Mom, and she COMPLETELY understands how I feel. Its just not something you talk about with the people you know IRL for fear of judgement being passed.