miserable :(

I am crushed  

A few days ago, my husband approached me, he had been looking through our internet history and found pages I'd visited, namely an abortion support forum- and although most of the forum is invisible to non-logged in members and guests; I had left it to automatically log in, so he had read my posts. A lot of them were about how I am still struggling with aftermath of my abortions and that I am struggling with replacement-baby-feelings again (this is what led me to need the second abortion last time) I had been putting on a brave face outwardly though and trying to get on with my life- he wasn't aware that I am still struggling (although he says he knew something was up)

So, he confronted me about being honest, and I admitted that I'm still messed up. He then said, "while we are being honest with each other..." then proceeded to tell me that his promises to TTC before I had my last abortion were in fact lies just to make sure I went through with it  

He has his reasons- he thought it was the best thing not just for him and the kids but for me as well- and making false promises was the only way he could see to make it happen, he did it to save us.

But I am just reeling from the shock of having my trust betrayed- the number of times he looked into my eyes and assured me he meant what he said- I trusted him 100% and because of that trust I gave up something which was so precious to me- something which pained me and still pains me every day,to have given up, something I've lost and can NEVER get back. And now he revokes his part of the bargain (for want of a better phrase) I feel like I have been cheated, conned, tricked; and I just can't bear the thought of taking the abortion as the last memory I have of pregnancy to my grave.

He says my reasons for wanting another child are flawed and that I just want a "band-aid baby", and tbh I don't even know whether that's true or not  

We missed our marriage counselling due to illness- but have another appointment booked for Tuesday.

Today I texted a friend, someone I met online on another forum when I was pregnant with my 2nd and she with her 1st, we were roughly due around the same time. After our kids were born we went out clubbing a lot together, we are both party girls at heart! I haven't had much fun for ages and feel like letting my hair down as I'm so miserable over this stuff; and I haven't seen her in ages, so I texted her asking if she's up for going out. Turns out she is pregnant! Booked in for an abortion next week. She had booked an abortion a couple years ago, before I had either of mine, but ended up changing her mind and having another baby; also I've cried on her shoulder about how much my two have devastated me, so I'm not sure whether she will actually go ahead with it or not.
Either way I'm gonna find it difficult because if she goes through with it I'll need to support her as best I can, but it'll be hard reliving it all again. If she doesn't, then I'm afraid I'll feel painfully jealous as it'd be her 3rd and I've repeatedly lost my much-wanted baby number 3 and seems like so many people whose oldest child is even younger than my youngest child and are already on their way to number 3 I feel like everyone else has got what I want!

Why are you still with him?   Empty promises and lies and hurt. Im sorry mama. <3

If I were you I'd be livid. i would never forgive and end up leaving my fiance if he did that to me.
I think you guys should talk to the marriage counselor about what he did. Lay out both sides of the story and see what he or she thinks.
I'm sorry you're still struggling. Time will make it easier. I'm here if you need to talk.

thankyou