Gone

-gone, thank you!-

Quoting Cheeks mom:"

just be there for her... there's not much to say at this point.

if you feel something will give her an extra sense of support, say it, but otherwise keep your mouth shut.

it kills me that she knew what he was and still went to work for him anyway... that's just like walking into the lion's den.

Just be there for her. I agree with Mara. Everything she said. How sad  

-gone thanks again-

Just be there if she wants to talk. There's not much you can really say or do. But let her know if she wants to talk or anything your there. I also agree with mara

I love this girl more than anything, she an I have literally been through everything together. I'm just so mad that someone could hurt her like this..I wish I could make her forget it happened, could make this man go away for ever, I would trade places with her in a minute.

Quoting Cheeks mom:" I love this girl more than anything, she an I have literally been through everything together. I'm just ... [snip!] ... wish I could make her forget it happened, could make this man go away for ever, I would trade places with her in a minute."

let her know how much love she has from you. that's huge ... something she needs to know, especially given that she sort of walked into this w/ her eyes open.

right now it's going to be extremely difficult for her to feel anything but self-loathing and numbness...

just give her love as if she were your own hurt child.

I think everyone will react differently and want to hear different things. For me the pain didn't hit fully until later on. I left my ex nearly 3 years ago, but he stalked me and found me last summer. He basically held me hostage and raped me and threatened me whilst totally disorientating me and threatening my baby. I'm a single mama and my son was home. I feel awfully awfully guilty. I keep thinking about what else i could've done. But there is nothing else, he would've killed my family if i had tried to do anything differently (he had a knife). I just had to try and at least look calm and be non confrontational and protect my son. I did the best i could.

What i feel most guilty about is protecting him in future. Personally i have PTSD, awful disabling anxiety and depression now and i've been quite physically ill over it. This psycho continued to stalk me after getting bail and i had to flee my city when i had whooping cough just 3 weeks after this happened. The worst thing i heard was "why did you let him do it", as obviously nobody lets this happen. I'm not sad that this relative said it to me, she was probably in denial and has no idea what it's like, but i'm sad she couldn't comfort me. I was totally alone in my pain. I too went to the police as soon as we could escape. I was with them for 3 days have forensic exam and statements and i feel awful for suddenly being seperated from my baby during that time. He'd never been apart from me and i felt so guilty, he still talks about it now. It wasn't safe to go home for 3 days and it wasn't ideal for us to have to stay elsewhere without notice. He still remembers the police and the detectives that came around for 2 weeks whilst they searched for this psycho. I did everything i could and i kept us alive. But now i feel awful for how it's affected my mental health and the possible side effects on my LO. I've been seeking support and therapy for both of us everywhere possible but he was only 2 so there isn't much available. At the same time as being terribly ill myself i'm trying to get things back to normal (i'm agoraphobic now so that is a daily battle) and also teach my son about things being inappropriate and wrong and to always ask for help and stand up for yourself. This is so hard to do when i'm suicidal and devastated from all what happened.

If i were your friend i'd want someone to remind me that i was doing my best to earn money to support my family and that i didn't make it happen. I did not want to hear that i'd ruined this psycho's life - he tried telling me he was going to kill himself and that his mother was being beaten by his stepdad because the detectives were sniffing around their house, he told me i'd ruined his life. He made me feel awful and took complete advantage of the mess i was in after that horrific torture he put me through. Your friend needs to know that she did not make this happen.

Asides from one shortlasting (1 day) breakdown a few days after we escaped, i totally held things together and dealt with appointments and things as though nothing happened. I was in denial so i didn't feel the pain. It was a month later in a new city that i became overwhelmed and totally traumatised and the shock sunk in. I went from survival mode to having constant flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, sickness, intrusive thoughts etc. So even if your friend seems to be doing OK just now, it could still hit her later on and she could really need you then. Personally it goes over and over and over in my mind and i wish i had someone to talk to about it. I'd tell your friend that you will be there for her anytime day or night and that you will listen to as much or as little detail as she wants. Everyone heals differently. Maybe ask her if she wants you to come to appointments or to accompany her through court? I wouldn't push anything to do with what will happen to the sicko that hurt her. Tell her that she's safe now, rather than anything to do him kwim? She needs to focus on herself and processing and dealing with it, not wasting time on that piece of smurf.

Sorry for the novel, this has had such an impact on my life and i'm so sorry that someone else has gone through this kind of violation too. She's really lucky to have you there for her.

Thank you so much for that response. She's the type to keep pushing right now because she has to and then fall apart. She did just tell me she feels like she immediately got depressed... I asked her if the cops had suggested any kind of help because as much as I will be there forever no matter what, I won't have all the answers and I just want her to be ok....

This smurfing sucks. I just keep wondering what he said and did after the point in the story that I heard, what memories she's gonna have to deal with for the rest of her life. What a monster. I hope he goes to jail forever...

Thanks to ALL of the thoughtful responses, especially Mara who I know is super busy running the site. I really appreciate it ladies

I sure hope your legal system is better than ours! the psycho here got out on bail and is walking free, and i'm still in fear for my life and our future. The cops here don't offer any support, it takes a year to even go to trial. I've had to search hard to find help for us and chase it up and that's hard to when you're so ill and struggling. Maybe you could find out some counseling organizations near you or something, just incase she needs to talk, so you can help her get it quickly.

I felt terrible after it happened but that was nothing compared to a month or so later. I so badly wish i had someone to check on me and just be helpful. I'd keep an eye out for her, and as times goes on let her know that from personal experience you understand it can take a long time to be ready to talk about things and that no matter how long it is you'll be there for her. I feel like everyone expects me to be better and i wish someone would tell me something like that. Simple stuff like staying in touch with her, being patient, offering to help with totally unrelated things. I know i'm awful company to be around now, i can't think about much else and i find it hard to hold a conversation so i avoid people. Having a friend outright say "it's ok to feel like that, i still want to be here with you" would be nice. I find it hard to do anything that reminds me of what happened, so getting help with groceries or cooking would help (he followed me home from the grocery store and took a knife out my kitchen so those are triggers for me). So if it happened with her working and doing paperwork maybe they will be things she finds difficult to do? I'd just generally try to be aware of how she's doing so that you could offer the right kind of help. Some people probably cope quite well but it's good you are there incase she doesn't. It's such a horrifying thing to go through, it still feels so raw to me, i really feel so horrible for her the sorts of things she might go through over the coming weeks/months  

I've never been grateful about anything to do with my abuse before, but I'm so happy now that I was too young to really understand what was going on and that my memories are so vague. She just told me that she was told to call another district for a list of numbers for people that can help her... I think it's a good sign that she's being so pro active and seeking out help... When she initially called me I thought she was going to try to avoid calling the police even. I'm going to spend the day with her tomorrow and SO is going to call her finance (who he has known for more than ten years) and offer support that way, so that her fiancé doesn't take out his own guilt and stress about the situation on her...

I'm also hoping that since the man who did it has a record and it was previous sex crimes, that he'll have the book thrown at him.

Quoting Cheeks mom:" I've never been grateful about anything to do with my abuse before, but I'm so happy now that I was too ... [snip!] ... also hoping that since the man who did it has a record and it was previous sex crimes, that he'll have the book thrown at him."

may justice finally prevail.