Step daughter does not listen to anyone, advice ?

Okay so my fiance and I have been living together for 3 years almost 4 and just last year his first child Rainah who is 6 started living with us. Her mother does not watch her or has watched her since she was 2, but talks to her on the phone and in person but her mother does not take her she is aware of who her mother is. My fiance was never in a relationship with her they just had a kid together, and they do not talk what so ever.
Anyways I have 3 smaller kids 2 with my bf and one from a previous relationship my oldest is 3 and he's severely austistic and the others are 2, and 1.
When Rainah first moved in she would always trip my autistic son and Gibson her younger brother, or take their toys away or call them to her room and then slam the door on them when they come. And everytime she plays with them something always happens and the babies are always crying but she says they fell or something. Her mother has two other children that she watches but Rainah never sees her other siblings and idk if she acts like that towards her other siblings, but she is very rough with them and when she thinks someone is not looking she'll try and do something to them, one time I seen her hit my son in the face and that really hurt me because he's special needs and can't say anything or defend himself because he didn't know what was going on.
We try to put her for timeouts, or being grounded but she literally screams the whole time for her mom in time out when she's in her room, and she'll kick the walls and everything. I tried to have a firm voice but she just rolled her eyes at me or sighs. I honestly don't know why she would not listen right from the start, she was so sweet when we'd visit her at my bfs mothers. She swears, and lies and when she goes to her granny's her granny spoils her and when she comes back it starts all over again when we think we have it. We tried to keep her from her granny's and she ran out the door and went there anyways (she just lives down the road). She tells people we're mean to her, she doesn't like us, we don't feed her, we spank her and we've never done any of that to her and I'm starting to think her mother is telling her to say things to me and him. When her father is not around she says really awful stuff to me like "you're not my real mom, my mom says i don't have to listen to you ever, mommy and daddies are supposed to be together not you and my dad you should be with someone else not him".
We recently sent her out of town because my bf works for 3wks out of town this month and we sent her to her other granny's and we tried to be a family with her for year and I don't want to sound like I'm giving up on her, but I've been wanting to tell my bf when he comes back I think he should talk to her mother and get her to watch her, I think maybe she needs her mom she needs to know how it feels to live with her maybe that's why she hasn't been listening maybe she wonders why her mom never watches her and i do or idk, but I want to tell him I don't think it's a good idea for her to around the younger kids until she learns to listen. Because no she swears at people and is even starting to hit my bf when he tells her to do something. Idk should she stay or try to get her mother to watch her ?

Maybe try spanking??

Could she be acting out from the lack of her mother's involvement? This is what came to my mind a lot while reading, especially when you mentioned she cries out for her mom when she is in trouble.

Also, it seems like there isn't much stability as where she physically stays/lives. Maybe not, but when reading this it seemed like she hops from place to place or to different people often, and that can be really, really hard on kids.

I would hold off on anyone else keeping her and being more involved with her. I can't imagine how hard it is having a child with autism and I know that for some SN kids, it's almost impossible. Could you get a babysitter once a week and take her to do something, just the two of you? Maybe sign her up for sports that involves teamwork and being around other kids in a more structured environment, if that makes sense.

I hope it all works out.

yea she has been from home to home before we watched her, she lived with her moms mom most of her life and her uncles and aunts.
I have done things with her just her and I and she really enjoys them, but she always acts out afterwards. Her mom tried to beat me up one time because she didn't want me watching her, that's why I was wondering if her mom should try and take her awhile because I think she wants to know her mom.

I would put her in counseling, and maybe extra curicular activities.. If he mom hasn't seen her in 4 years she prob isn't best person to be involved in raising her,

yea you're probably right, thanks, I shall try that. hope it works out

<blockquote><b>Quoting Adrienne Maybee:</b>" yea you're probably right, thanks, I shall try that. hope it works out"</blockquote>




She's basically been abandoned by her mother... and it hurts a kid to know that their parents were nothing, my sons 6, he's never seen me and his dad *together* and it hurt him, he used to look at our prom pics and cry that we were married and supposed to be together, it was very hard to tell my son that I loved him and I didn't want to be with his dad, and his dad would tell him all those same things...

My son is also 6, and does counseling... so it can help  

Double post....