Becoming a single parent...why does it have to be so hard???

Well,
Bd and I got into quite the heated fight today. I hate fighting in front of our daughter and having her feel that hostile energy between us. It actually got physical today. I feel so hurt and disrespected, constantly by him. We've been having major problems the past 4 months. He had to take care of some old fines when I was about 3 months pregnant and we thought he would just do the jail time for a month or so because we didn't have the money to pay them Long story short, he wound up in jail until 2 weeks before our daughter was born and didn't get to meet her until 2 months old because they released him on probation at his family's house in Utah. Maybe it was all the time apart but since he's been home it's been non-stop fighting. He got home in September, and it just seems like we've been on a very consistent down slope. The other night I tried to have an assertive, cordial conversation about our relationship and how I feel. (using "I" statements and then giving him time to respond) and he turned it into "I was trying to make him look stupid by talking down to him" 0.o What?? Ya know. So I told him we either need to talk or walk away because the road we are on is not healthy. Today I finally snapped and told him I hate him and want him gone. I don't actually hate him, and sent him a long text, because I think it's too soon to talk, saying I was sorry for saying hurtful things but still stand by what I said and we just don't need to be together right now. I cried when he left and held my daughter. I feel so guilty!!! She is such a daddy's girl and I feel like a monster for making him leave!! I just kept telling her "I'm so sorry baby!!" I hate that she had to sit in her crib and hear that fight and then see me so upset after. I do love him but question if I'm still in love with him. We don't have sex and I honestly don't want him anywhere near me. He sleeps on the living room floor by choice and is always gone. It just feels like we both make any excuse we can to be away from each other and I know Shylee is the ONLY reason it never ended before. I hate that it's going to affect her but it's already affecting her now. How do you make this transition but also leave as little damage as possible??

there is no easy way to make the transition but she is young enough that she wont even remeber you guys being together. My older son was a year and a half when me and his dad split up and i was so afraid it was gonna effect him but hes as happy as can be. you will hurt her more in the long run if you guys stay together and are very unhappy with each other. making yourself happy with make her happy

Quoting mom2andrew&carter:" there is no easy way to make the transition but she is young enough that she wont even remeber you guys ... [snip!] ... more in the long run if you guys stay together and are very unhappy with each other. making yourself happy with make her happy"

Yea. It's hard though. Today he went off on me telling me I'm "one of those girls" who keep the baby away from their father because I won't let her go to his dad's where she is. His dad is a meth addict and I will NOT allow my daughter in that environment. I had school today from 1-4 and my sister wound up watching her. He had 3 hours to spend time with her and chose not to and then yelled at me for it. He is always more then welcome to see his daughter!! The only circumstance where I would EVER take her away is if he got violent, on drugs, or went to jail. I will not take my daughter to a jail to see her dad. I hate memories of having to see my mom through glass!!! And she's sick now so of course it's MY fault. "I take her out too much and don't pay enough attention to her". Uggh!! When does the hostility end!!! I don't want her to see the anger, and pain between me and her dad. I told him it's best it ends now and she grows up seeing mom and dad happy apart rather then letting it go on and having her grow up seeing mom and dad together but hating each other. i guess the word for what I'm feeling is guilt, and I'm just unsure about our decision. I hate to see them apart, she is such a daddy's brat it's ridiculous!! One day at a time I guess. Hopefully he will be able to accept the fact that he needs to come here to see her, or even meet on neutral ground and spend some time with her until he finds another place. But I just cannot allow my daughter to be in a house where drugs are and have been done constantly!! I know her dad doesn't do them but his dad does.

Quoting Elsie Grim:" Yea. It's hard though. Today he went off on me telling me I'm "one of those girls" who keep the baby ... [snip!] ... my daughter to be in a house where drugs are and have been done constantly!! I know her dad doesn't do them but his dad does. "

your completely at the right here. you know your a good mom to her and doing the right thing for her and thats all that matters.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Elsie Grim:</b>" Yea. It's hard though. Today he went off on me telling me I'm "one of those girls" who keep the baby ... [snip!] ... my daughter to be in a house where drugs are and have been done constantly!! I know her dad doesn't do them but his dad does. "</blockquote>

Your relationship sounds like mine but we have sex, a lot of it.. Lol.. He sleeps on the floor by choice but I think it's because he falls asleep watching tv. I feel like you, told him to leave the other day and so far things are okay.. Everything takes times.. Maybe it may work...

Quoting mom2andrew&carter:" your completely at the right here. you know your a good mom to her and doing the right thing for her and thats all that matters."

Yea, I know I am a good mother. I love my daughter and would go to the ends of hell for her. The fact that I know that is all that matters. I just have a hard time with the hurtful statements. But I guess that's why were in this position to begin with.

Quoting ***KELLZ***:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Elsie Grim:</b>" Yea. It's hard though. Today he went off on ... [snip!] ... tv. I feel like you, told him to leave the other day and so far things are okay.. Everything takes times.. Maybe it may work..."

Yea. I told my bd today that it doesn't have to be a forever thing, but we need some time apart to sort things out in our heads and can always try again, if it doesn't work then it doesn't work, I just don't want her to see all the hurt and frustration between us so if it's going to end it needs to just end. No reason to prolong something and cause more stress on the three of us.