Will it Ever Stop?

Today is one of those days when the memories attack. And today I cannot hide them. I need to let them out, even if it's on an anonymous internet forum account. The people around me, even those closest to me, do not know my story. I live under the shadow of who people think I am, and I need somewhere to just be me. So here I go.

I was sexually abused in high school. I was abused by the person I thought I was in love with. At first things were great. He was everyone's favorite guy...everyone like him, everyone respected him. So when he began to ask me out, I thought that there had to be something special about me. Because he was interested in me.

But the things he would make me do...the way he changed who I was. It wasn't fair. I was still a little girl in so many ways. I was too stupid to walk away, even when he began to make me compromise what I believed for what he wanted.

He would hit me. He would make me have sex with him, but then always reminded me that it was what I wanted. There were days when I would be terrified of having to see him, because of what I knew would happen. And then I would go anyways, because I knew that I would lose him if I didn't. He threatened me about what would happen if I ever told anyone about what he did. He had enough smurf on me to make my life miserable. No one would have believed me. People still tried to understand what he saw in a girl like me. They didn't, couldn't have known what he really was.

I have long since moved on from high school. I have forged new relationships and am in a new place. And I thought, for awhile, that it would get better. But it doesn't. I still see him. In habits people have or a car someone drives or in a song on the radio or in a certain color of yellow, he's still there. I can't even drink Coca Cola out of a glass bottle, because that was his favorite kind. He's everywhere. I am scared of him. I am scared that he will find me, and that I won't be able to stop him. I couldn't ever stop him! Why would now be any different?

I will wake up screaming in the night from my dreams. He is in them. He's everywhere. I can't even go to Wal-Mart without seeing some sign, some hint of him. I cannot cry. I learned not to cry. I learned to let go of the world with him...I try to feel. I can't.

I am afraid. I am tired of existing like this. I am tired of fighting to live in this...shell. What am I supposed to do to escape this? Does this ever go away?

Im heals everything. I would suggest talking to a therapist to get all your emotions out.

Have you thought about going to therapy?

I'm so sorry, have you gotten professional help? To me it sounds like you have some sort of PTSD but I'm no expert. Please get some help, this is something you can't deal by yourself. I hope nothing but the best for you.

I was sexually abused by my moms ex husband for about 3 years before I told anyone...it has been almost 12 years since the last time and I still have days where I remember every detail and wish I could just forget...if i see him in a town I freak out and lock my doors..I cant be home at night by my self and I have had to get restraining orders on him in the past...and I have been married for 8 years now and there is still a spot on my leg my husband can not touch or it brings back flash backs and I freak out no matter how hard I try not to...for me I dont think I will ever be able to forget or not get scared when I see him or some one talks about him but it does get easier with time...if you ever need some one to talk to feel free to message me..I am not always on as I have 2 little monsters but I do try to get on here once or twice a day

I don't have much advice because I'm in the same mind Smurf with my sons dad...I haven't seen him since 2011 and I'm still haunted and cry. Long story short...try therapy. I started a few weeks ago and already feel a little better. You need to get the feelings out and learn how to let go because you can't by yourself.

I haven't tried therapy...I don't even know where I'd go for it. I've considered it, but it intimidates me.

<blockquote><b>Quoting BG Secrets:</b>" I haven't tried therapy...I don't even know where I'd go for it. I've considered it, but it intimidates me."</blockquote>




Call your doctor and they can refer you

Call a domestic abuse hotline near you and they cab refer you.