how can i help her?

One of my very dear friends lives at least 2 hours from me and my son does not like long car rides. They don't have much money, one car and her boyfriend uses it to get to and from work. She also doesn't have a phone just an ipod and when her tempermental internet is working she keeps us updated on how she's doing with her son and her pregnancy. Her first son was born 2 months early but is now a healthy happy 9 month old and for the most part this pregancy was much more enjoyable. This morning at 4 while scrolling facebook I found she had given birth to her second son at only 18-19 weeks along and he died in her arms shortly after. I can't imagine the pain her and her boyfriend are feeling. Is there anything I can do to comfort her from here? I feel so terrible that she is so far from me.

I would just go. She has to be in soo much pain right now. And I'm sure it would mean a lot to her if you came to her. I personally would make sure your baby is fed, changed, and ready for a nap, and pack up and go. That's just me. I am so sad for her, I couldn't imagine, I'll keep her in my prayers.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Lady GooGoo™:</b>" I would just go. She has to be in soo much pain right now. And I'm sure it would mean a lot to her if ... [snip!] ... and ready for a nap, and pack up and go. That's just me. I am so sad for her, I couldn't imagine, I'll keep her in my prayers."</blockquote>



I can't imagine either. Maybe you're right. I wish there was something i could say to her that would make it better and to stop the hurt but I know it never will. Thank you for the prayers, she'd appreciate that.

Quoting Falisha Flegal:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Lady GooGoo™:</b>" I would just go. She has to be in soo ... [snip!] ... her that would make it better and to stop the hurt but I know it never will. Thank you for the prayers, she'd appreciate that."

You're absolutely welcome. My deepest sympathies.  

i definitley can't speak for your friend or how she feels at this time but i lost my son at 20 weeks 6 days and i wanted everyone to just stay away. i didn't want phone calls or texts or anything. i just wanted to lay on the couch and cuddle with my fiance and cry with him. i would ask her if she needs you to come or if she needs her space because honestly she might just want to be left alone. and why on earth would the doctors allow her to deliver that baby before it passed away inside? after my water broke they made me wait until my baby lost his heartbeat before they would let me deliver him..that way i didn't have to sit there and watch him try to fight for his life. how awful of them, they should be ashamed. prayers for your friend, i know the pain. if she seems like she wants her space, give it to her. especially if it just happened...i personally would wait a few days aside from giving her a call. i didn't want to talk to people but at the same time if someone close to me didn't call then i would feel like they didn't care...but i definitely didn't want visitors...just make sure she wants company before showing up.

<blockquote><b>Quoting aea&jeb:</b>" i definitley can't speak for your friend or how she feels at this time but i lost my son at 20 weeks ... [snip!] ... would feel like they didn't care...but i definitely didn't want visitors...just make sure she wants company before showing up."</blockquote>


Thank you and you're right she's not wanted to talk to anyone but is now finally opening up to me and others through facebook. She to the point now where she doesn't want to be because she's extremely religious but she's angry with god and feels he's left her. She walked to beach to and just yelled... as for the doctor I don't think id want him as a doctor she had already had her first son 2 months early and he never put her on bedrest, no other precausions I don't think they even tried to stop labor when her water broke and now they tell her she can try to have chilren but they'd have to sew her cervix shut... I've been thinking about asking if her and her family want to come stay to just get away, since she's talking more about needing people and wanting to come see us but I don't know if that would be good either I don't want to presure her and make her feel bad if she doesn't want to come yet...

<blockquote><b>Quoting aea&jeb:</b>" i definitley can't speak for your friend or how she feels at this time but i lost my son at 20 weeks ... [snip!] ... would feel like they didn't care...but i definitely didn't want visitors...just make sure she wants company before showing up."</blockquote>




Right now everyones telling her that the pain will go away and she'll be ok but I feel like that's a lie. I don't see how the pain will ever stop maybe become easier to deal with but never just stop...

Quoting Falisha Flegal:" <blockquote><b>Quoting aea&jeb:</b>" i definitley can't speak for your friend or how ... [snip!] ... I don't know if that would be good either I don't want to presure her and make her feel bad if she doesn't want to come yet..."

they normally won't try to stop labor for someone who is in labor two months early....sucky i know...and i also have issues with my cervix. i use a facebook support group and she is more than welcome join the group if she uses facebook. the ladies are awesome and all have issues with their cervix. if she wants just tell her to search "incompetent cervix suuport group (pregnancy-related)"....

Quoting Falisha Flegal:" <blockquote><b>Quoting aea&jeb:</b>" i definitley can't speak for your friend or how ... [snip!] ... but I feel like that's a lie. I don't see how the pain will ever stop maybe become easier to deal with but never just stop..."

if she doesn't let it consume her she will be just fine in a few months. my loss was almost 7 months ago and i still break down sometimes. some days when i am home alone, i just lay in bed and cry. but everything has gotten so much easier. i think about my baby at least once a day EVERY DAY. i don't cry every day anymore though. it gets way easier but she will never "get over it".

<blockquote><b>Quoting aea&jeb:</b>" if she doesn't let it consume her she will be just fine in a few months. my loss was almost 7 months ... [snip!] ... baby at least once a day EVERY DAY. i don't cry every day anymore though. it gets way easier but she will never "get over it"."</blockquote>




Thank you, i'll definitely tell her about the support group... With the cervix thing she feels "broken as a woman" is how she put it. And I appreciate your help ive never been there so I don't know how to help really. Im sorry youve also had to go through this

Quoting Falisha Flegal:" <blockquote><b>Quoting aea&jeb:</b>" if she doesn't let it consume her she will be ... [snip!] ... And I appreciate your help ive never been there so I don't know how to help really. Im sorry youve also had to go through this"

yes, it definitely makes you feel exactly like that!! like our bodies can't do the thing that a woman is designed to do. sure, we can make babies all day long..fertility is not our issue. we just can't carry them for the life of us! the cerclage and bedrest will do wonders for her when she decides to have another baby. she also needs to ask about p17 injections. i have been lucky to have not had to have the cerclage yet with this current pregnancy. i am monitored every two weeks, get p17 (progesterone) injections once a week, am not on bedrest but have been told to not be up for more than two hours, and no sex. by doing all those things i have been doing well with this pregnancy and am currently 22 weeks 2 days pregnant without the cerclage aka stitch..

Quoting Falisha Flegal:" <blockquote><b>Quoting aea&jeb:</b>" if she doesn't let it consume her she will be ... [snip!] ... And I appreciate your help ive never been there so I don't know how to help really. Im sorry youve also had to go through this"

and the awful, horribly sad part about it is that with incompetent cervix, you are not normally diagnosed until you suffer a 2nd trimester loss because they don't check cervical lengths normally during pregnancy. so unless you lose a baby in the 2nd or 3rd trimester they usually won't know you have it. granted, if you notice something going wrong you can get the emergency stitch but it is never a guarantee. i didn't make it to getting the emergency stitch. my son's foot was through my cervix before they could help me. the good thing is that there is the stitch which can help you to carry your baby longer!

<blockquote><b>Quoting aea&jeb:</b>" and the awful, horribly sad part about it is that with incompetent cervix, you are not normally diagnosed ... [snip!] ... my cervix before they could help me. the good thing is that there is the stitch which can help you to carry your baby longer!"</blockquote>



How terrifying. congrats on this pregnancy though and good luck I pray for you and baby both to be healthy and have the best birth experience possible

Quoting Falisha Flegal:" <blockquote><b>Quoting aea&jeb:</b>" and the awful, horribly sad part about it is that ... [snip!] ... on this pregnancy though and good luck I pray for you and baby both to be healthy and have the best birth experience possible"

thanks!!