Recovering *Warning possible triggers*

Some time ago I was drugged, raped, and beaten by a boyfriend. It was terrible. I will forever have trust issues and sexual issues. It's upsetting and changed me as a person. But I've been recovering, and I feel almost normal. Until this weekend that is.

So I had a date with a new potential boyfriend. We went out to dinner, and took a walk. Then went back to his place to hang out with his roommate (who is one of my best friends :] ) And we were cuddling a little bit, watching the dark knight rises, his roomie and I were chatting. Everyone was having fun.

Then all of a sudden I had a crazy desire to not be touched at all. I didn't want to be kissed anymore, or snuggled. I just wanted to be sitting just me. I started getting scared, and anxious. I told Matt this, and he told me he wouldn't cuddle or kiss me if I didn't want to. But I could tell it hurt his feelings. I really wanted to, but I just needed to feel okay for a minute. I trust no one, I'm always scared of people hurting me physically. How do I even get past this? We went to bed later and I could tell he wanted to feel around, but I really did not want to be touched. I saw him again today and kissed him. I was feeling more affectionate. I guess I just really wanted to hang out and talk with Matt. Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship?

I think it's wonderful that he is so understand and respects you enough not to touch when you ask. Do you have a therapist? If not, look for help, it might be something out of your control. I'm so sorry you went through that.

I was raped when i was seven i'm so scared to let my SO go back there i don't know why because i trust him so much and it may be creepy that he has the same name as my cousin who raped me but that don't bother me i don't know what it is its just like when i try i hyperventilate and in the middle of it i have to stop because i feel as if i'll faint your not entirely alone but i am so sorry that happened to you.  

I know how you feel. If you ever want to talk you can PM me. I was raped multiple times by the same person when I was only 7 and even now 11 years later and after being with SO for three and a half years I sometimes freak out when he touches me or kisses me and don't want to be touched. It gets better though I promise  

it takes time. I think you are headed in the right direction..even to make an attempt at being with someone. Its hard being abused..mine wasn't sexual just physical and verbal...sometimes I still get scared if someone yells at me I start to shake..which is kinda hard considering I work in customer service..I think I chose this job just to get over my fears, but even to this day its sometimes hard. On the outside you look fine, but on the inside people think you might be weird because of the way you act..Im glad you have someone that is willing to give you space.

Thank you <3 I feel like damaged goods.

Quoting Mommy2Kay:" I think it's wonderful that he is so understand and respects you enough not to touch when you ask. Do ... [snip!] ... Do you have a therapist? If not, look for help, it might be something out of your control. I'm so sorry you went through that."

Yeah I did have a therapist, but I just stopped going one day. I stopped being in contact with my therapist, my case worker, everyone who was helping me through it. It just felt suffocating to have a bunch of people mentally recording my process, and I couldn't stand the feeling of me getting worse or not improving at all. It was cutting mostly, because I cut myself after it happened, so when there were more cuts it was worse, and when there were none it was better. I was starting to get into drugs as well, and I just couldn't stand them finding out. So I cut them. And hit rock bottom, and started to build my life back up and focus on my child. I stopped cutting, and using drugs, I feel a lot better.