I don't even know...

Please please don't judge me, I just need to vent somewhere. I was getting better and getting over it and now I'm right back where I started. I had a termination that I didn't want in 2008 (partner and parents forced me into it) and have suffered depression ever since. I also used to self harm and I was doing so well until recently, my doctor switched my medication I think that may be why   I carved my baby's name into my leg and the date I said goodbye... My due date would have been february 2nd 2009 and with it coming up to february I'm finding it hard not to think about it. I can't stop cutting now that I've done it again. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I will of course be talking to her about it.

I'm sorry I wasn't old enough, strong enough, mature enough to fight for you
I'm sorry I let other people make decisions for me
I'm sorry I didn't do what a mother should do, protect their child
I'm sorry I let you down </3 please believe me when I say you were wanted and if it were up to me you would have stayed.

I'm sorry.

I've never had an abortion or lost a baby but why don't you try doing things that make you happy? Like focusing on the baby you have and doing fun things. I used to cut too but I stopped that along with all of my meds the day I found out I was pregnant and havent done it in about 6 years. I get depressed once and a while but I do alot of crafts and things with my 2 kids.

Quoting Mama2WinterGirls:" I've never had an abortion or lost a baby but why don't you try doing things that make you happy? Like ... [snip!] ... and havent done it in about 6 years. I get depressed once and a while but I do alot of crafts and things with my 2 kids."

I've started going to the gym a lot which helps some of the time, but DD is too young to do much with atm

i have never been in your position but i have self harmed in the past. my beliefs are fetal or infant deaths are to teach us something. i know you had an abortion but maybe it will teach you the value of the child you have now. or make you a strong woman that will stand up for herself. whatever you learn there is a positive. if you became stronger and make it mean something then the baby didnt die in vain. imagine where you would be now if you had a child that young. the babies soul will come around again. either with a new pregnancy or someone that will touch you later in life. if you sit and wallow you will be doing no one any good.

Quoting Ellie Shikari:" I've started going to the gym a lot which helps some of the time, but DD is too young to do much with atm "

Well you should definately look into a hobby that makes you happy. I ended up in the loony bin 6 months before I got pregnant with my first and I started reading alot which helped alot. I love to read but with my now 5 and 1 year old I have no time lol. I also sew and crochet (which I learned on youtube).

Quoting Sophie's dairy cow:" i have never been in your position but i have self harmed in the past. my beliefs are fetal or infant ... [snip!] ... with a new pregnancy or someone that will touch you later in life. if you sit and wallow you will be doing no one any good. "

It's not like I choose to feel this way  

Quoting Mama2WinterGirls:" Well you should definately look into a hobby that makes you happy. I ended up in the loony bin 6 months ... [snip!] ... alot. I love to read but with my now 5 and 1 year old I have no time lol. I also sew and crochet (which I learned on youtube)."

Ahhh I used to write stories and poetry, I might have to take that up again   thanks

Quoting Ellie Shikari:" It's not like I choose to feel this way  "

i understand that. you have to find something that anchors you. something that gives it all meaning. maybe right the babies name on a balloon and release it. im sure you didnt have a proper mourning or anything if it was forced on you.

I'm sorry   You will be doing right by telling your doctor tomorrow, get the help you need. IDK if you already know about the ice trick? (holding ice over your skin is meant to have same relief as cutting... I havent tried myself but)
I cut when I was 16 and never since... until last year age 31, over the abortion I didn't want   I know how messed up you are feeling. BTW don't be hard on yourself over your age. I let my husband make decisions for me the same and I was 31 and 32 when I had my abortions  

Glad to hear you are going to the gym. Exercise makes our minds as well as our bodies healthier and also the resulting toned figure boosts our self-esteem.
I already worked out before but since the abortions I have started going to ju-jitsu classes... I'm finding it really good for me to learn how to defend myself, to be strong, to have a skill and also to let out some of the negative energy. When you are at the gym try the punchbags! Knock some of that bitterness and anger out  

Good luck at the docs today xxx