Forums > Single Parentingby: anonymom + 1.5

case closed.

posted 19th Jan
thanks, mama's  
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I have 2 kids & live in West Virginia
posted 19th Jan
Since he is getting help with the drugs id allow it as often as possible.. But have a talk about how the visits need to be about the kids.
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I live in Illinois
posted 19th Jan
I would set up a schedule and stick strictly to it, if he decides not to come one day then he doesn't get to see them until the next scheduled day.

Either twice a week or three times, depending on what you are comfortable with. I assume you don't want to be with him every day either.
Say Tuesday and Thursday each week.
Or Monday, Wednesday Friday.
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I have 1 child & live in Minnesota
posted 19th Jan
Quoting Mary.:" Since he is getting help with the drugs id allow it as often as possible.. But have a talk about how the visits need to be about the kids."


I feel like he's manipulating the help available to him... this is the sixth (I think) time in the past two years that he's been in an inpatient treatment thing, and third in outpatient... not counting a hands off clinic where he got some type of methadone (but it wasn't methadone, it was the other one... suboxine?).

I just don't feel like he's being sincere. He does this thing where he admits to something smurfed up when he wants me to trust him. Which is why I'm really struggling with this - because he brings up today all these times he cheated on me that I didn't know about. And, since I made it clear we're over, I just don't see why it matters.

But yeah, I definitely need to talk about making the visits about the kids, not me..  
quotesmurfs?
I have 2 kids & live in West Virginia
posted 19th Jan
Quoting [JadeLee]:" I would set up a schedule and stick strictly to it, if he decides not to come one day then he doesn't ... [snip!] ... I assume you don't want to be with him every day either. Say Tuesday and Thursday each week. Or Monday, Wednesday Friday."


Not particularly lol.
Thanks! We will definitely have to make it scheduled and not random.
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I have 2 kids & live in West Virginia
posted 19th Jan
Quoting anonymom + 1.5:" Not particularly lol. Thanks! We will definitely have to make it scheduled and not random."
That was the problem I had with BD when he was in DD's life.
He thought it was okay for him to come over any time any day, then he would be pissed if I wasn't home when he thought I should be.
I wish I would have taken my moms advice of scheduling.
I never did so sometimes he would come at noon, sometimes during nap and he would be pissed she was napping too. Sometimes after she was sleeping.

He began to think it was his apartment and would come when he felt like it. That was not OK, and it really effected my ability to have a relationship with anyone else (which was what he wanted I am sure).
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I have 1 child & live in Minnesota
posted 19th Jan
Quoting anonymom + 1.5:" I split up with my kids' dad for good at about 4-6 weeks pregnant (DS was born on the 5th). From us ... [snip!] ... more bullsmurf than I posted here, I have finally come to terms with his violence and anger issues)? DO NOT QUOTE DO NOT QUOTE"


call social services about what you want with the visits they can help you work things out to coming and sitting with you him and LOs
work a schedule so he has to keep it or put it in writing for you and if needed help you with court cause they will get involved anyway with his background so its good for everyone and its all on your terms at this rate and your right for how you feel and how your trying to do this right
they can try a schedule of him coming to your home or a place you prefer including social services building which has meeting rooms for this kind of thing...If your ex has an advocate or PO they can help arrange it so he stays straight or even become part of his smurf...and they can work up to when you feel comfortable to just let them supervise him and make him take classes if he wants unsupervised visits etc. one of the few times I can say to use social services to your advantage right now
quotesmurfs?
I'm due June 25th (a girl), have 1 child & 4 angel babies & live in Fayetteville, North Carolina
posted 19th Jan
Quoting [JadeLee]:" That was the problem I had with BD when he was in DD's life. He thought it was okay for him to come ... [snip!] ... was not OK, and it really effected my ability to have a relationship with anyone else (which was what he wanted I am sure)."

Yep! Mine's threatened any hypothetical future boyfriend... and seems to think he controls my life. He smurf talks my associates degree, my university choice, my friends... anything to try to get a rise out of me. At this point, I just don't care about his opinion but it still sucks. It doesn't dissolve into senseless arguments, though, which is what I think he wants.
quotesmurfs?
I have 2 kids & live in West Virginia
posted 19th Jan
Quoting pitbullprincess:" call social services about what you want with the visits they can help you work things out to coming ... [snip!] ... classes if he wants unsupervised visits etc. one of the few times I can say to use social services to your advantage right now "


Like DHHR/DHS?
I definitely need to get this all in writing... should it be notarized or is just the contract in writing okay? Does it need to be fancy or just "So and So will visit on this day and this day at these times as possible, etc" and signed?
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I have 2 kids & live in West Virginia
posted 19th Jan
Quoting anonymom + 1.5:" Like DHHR/DHS? I definitely need to get this all in writing... should it be notarized or is just the ... [snip!] ... Does it need to be fancy or just "So and So will visit on this day and this day at these times as possible, etc" and signed?"


you can to a lawyer and possibly pay and argue and smurf
But social services idk what they are called for you I have seen it as cps dss dsw
its the same people you would call about reporting child abuse or food stamps and daycare vouchers....anyway they can draw up for free whats called a service plan basically states legally he can do this visitation on a schedule they work out with you and whats good for baby and he can work it and make smurf workout with the kids...also the plan if violated can be taken to court to make him do it or to keep him away from you and it makes it so he cant talk about you guys and it has to be all about the kids and its all free and can be legal if need be which will also be free on your half cause the state will take it to court and handle it which is a big help and they will get involved and do this anyway if you have to go to court with him in the long run ...the names of things may vary state to state but I would look up where you can call for social services and ask if you can set up a service plan with a worker there they will be surprised you know of the service and that your being smart about it and doing it without court mandation which btw make sure you explain lol it tends to make a diffrence all else fails if they are confused just ask if you can talk to a social worker about your situation and they will direct you to a similar plan and who you need to call about it and how to get his smurf right...they are actually super supportive when you willingly go to them about this stuff....everything else tho I normally cant stand about social services
quotesmurfs?
I'm due June 25th (a girl), have 1 child & 4 angel babies & live in Fayetteville, North Carolina
posted 19th Jan
Quoting anonymom + 1.5:" Yep! Mine's threatened any hypothetical future boyfriend... and seems to think he controls my life. ... [snip!] ... about his opinion but it still sucks. It doesn't dissolve into senseless arguments, though, which is what I think he wants."
Yeah in that case I would for sure have a scheduled visits. You can see if DHS could at least point you in the right direction to have supervised visits, I just saw that as too much of a hassle and just stuck to BD seeing DD at my apartment, and his when his mom was there (Other than that it was too dirty for a baby). Every time he wanted to see her it lessened after a few weeks, then he would go a couple months without seeing her, then his interest would peak again. It was a terrible cycle until I finally said I am done until he could get something court ordered.
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I have 1 child & live in Minnesota
posted 19th Jan
Quoting pitbullprincess:" you can to a lawyer and possibly pay and argue and smurf But social services idk what they are called ... [snip!] ... supportive when you willingly go to them about this stuff....everything else tho I normally cant stand about social services "

Gotcha! Thanks. I think that sounds like a good idea. I'd rather try to work with him than against him. Well, honestly, I'd rather him just walk out but if THIS time he's truly getting his smurf together... I want him in the kids' lives.
quotesmurfs?
I have 2 kids & live in West Virginia
posted 19th Jan
Quoting [JadeLee]:" Yeah in that case I would for sure have a scheduled visits. You can see if DHS could at least point you ... [snip!] ... interest would peak again. It was a terrible cycle until I finally said I am done until he could get something court ordered."


That cycle sounds verryyyy familiar. What did he do in the end?
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I have 2 kids & live in West Virginia
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