advice on future child

so with DD i feel i gave in or gave up on certain things too easily. i've been thinking a lot about any future children. that i want to i guess try harder (just typing that makes me feel bad). try to breast feed longer and such like that. but i feel it would be like favoritism or something. how can i do/keep these goals and not feel guilty while doing it?

Set the goals for yourself & try your best(not just for your child but for yourself) look at it as you got this far with the first baby & you want to do better the next time around for yourself. Know that it is for you & not because you are trying to make a difference between your children

I set such high goals for me with DD and I failed so bad with them it put me into a deeper PPD.

I think with future children I'll know to not be so freaking hard on myself.

Quoting ~The Lunar Flower~:" Set the goals for yourself & try your best(not just for your child but for yourself) look at it as you ... [snip!] ... next time around for yourself. Know that it is for you & not because you are trying to make a difference between your children"

i just feel that it would be giving one child more than the other...

Quoting ℳonster's ℳom:" I set such high goals for me with DD and I failed so bad with them it put me into a deeper PPD. I think with future children I'll know to not be so freaking hard on myself."

i stopped BF at 3 wks when i was aiming for at least 6 months. i still look back and wish i'd stuck with it. esp when i'm struggling with DD. i feel bad even saying this but i feel like we're not as bonded as we should be...

<blockquote><b>Quoting LilyRain12:</b>" i stopped BF at 3 wks when i was aiming for at least 6 months. i still look back and wish i'd stuck with ... [snip!] ... with it. esp when i'm struggling with DD. i feel bad even saying this but i feel like we're not as bonded as we should be..."</blockquote>


Same here! Gave up at 3 weeks cause I just didn't seem to get anything out. Was barely getting an oz and he refused to latch on.

Not only do I not feel all that bonded, but I feel like I don't love him the way I'm supposed to. People say that they fall inlove with their baby before they are born, I didn't. I mean I didn't just wanna give him up or anything. I may have felt something, but not much. there were times where I felt like I was just fat and not preg, that his movement pissed me off more than I liked it. (I rarely liked feeling him move, but then I would kind of start to freak out if he didn't move. I also didn't feel movement till like way later, way after 22w)
Idk how I feel at times.

I also feel like if I do anything different when I have another kid in the future that I would be doing something wrong. Like it would be bad to give second child more than first.

Quoting Tay L:" <blockquote><b>Quoting LilyRain12:</b>" i stopped BF at 3 wks when i was aiming for ... [snip!] ... another kid in the future that I would be doing something wrong. Like it would be bad to give second child more than first."

i was told it releases endorphin's that make you feel good. it just felt so stressful. instead of bonding, i ended feeling slightly cheated because i was isolated (i only felt comfortable BF in front of my own mother- live with MIL). that is one thing i want to get over. i also feel i loose my temper with her to easily/quickly then feel bad about it.

I'm constantly stressed! BF was even more stressful, sat there pumping for nothing and he would scream if I tried to get him to latch.

I do 98% of the work. Plus I clean the apt! I feel like I do everything and SO does nothing. But if I say anything he flips out and then says I must have had a really tough day doing nothing at home while he worked. And now he's saying how he goes to class and work. While I watch our son, clean the apt, have 2 online classes that just started and don't have a working comp to check the sylabus and I go back to work next week!

There's times where I just think how I would love to give my son to someone else to take care of for a few days or weeks just cause I feel like I'm gonna murder someone from lack of sleep, stress, the constant crying and getting peed on are frustrating, of course my son screams when he gets his diaper changed. He'll start to fuss cause he's hungry and in the middle of making the bottle he'll full on scream. Its enough to drive me crazy at times. I feel like I'm about to lose my temper with my son sometimes. I really wish he wouldn't start screaming right away when anything happens. His diaper being changed really isn't a reason to cry or scream, I don't think I know any babies that did that. And him screaming if I put him down for a second to make his bottle is frustrating too. And I make it right next to him. I lay him in front of my on the bed, he can see me, I give him a paci, and I even touch his hand or face or stomach so he knows I'm still there.

Quoting Tay L:" I'm constantly stressed! BF was even more stressful, sat there pumping for nothing and he would scream ... [snip!] ... of my on the bed, he can see me, I give him a paci, and I even touch his hand or face or stomach so he knows I'm still there."

how old is he? DD is like that. what has been aggravating me is the screaming. she screams for food, sees us making it and screams louder, to top it off, she screams at us while we feed her. even when its her fault we're not giving her a bite (she's not paying attention or has stuck her hands in it and needs to be wiped off so she doesn't wipe it in her hair). then when she's done and we sit down to eat, she screams for our food. so i totally feel ya on the screaming part. she has also started fits early. throwing herself back, screaming, hitting us or hitting her face or anything next to her when we tell her no or take something from her.

<blockquote><b>Quoting LilyRain12:</b>" how old is he? DD is like that. what has been aggravating me is the screaming. she screams for food, ... [snip!] ... herself back, screaming, hitting us or hitting her face or anything next to her when we tell her no or take something from hr."</blockquote>


Up until the part about screaming for your food, it sounds like my son. He's only 6 weeks. It drives me insane! To top it off I feel like a single mom, and I'm not. My bf will be right next to me, I'll ask him to make the bottle while I change the diaper, so he'll be satisfied faster and stop screaming. My bf just ignores me. I want to kill him at times! Cause he just ignores me and offers no help! But when he is taking care of our son, I offer to help him or if he asks me to help him I do. If I ever tell him to do it with out my help he flips out and gets all pissed off. I don't see why I have to do everything by myself, yet he doesn't.

Quoting Tay L:" <blockquote><b>Quoting LilyRain12:</b>" how old is he? DD is like that. what has been ... [snip!] ... it with out my help he flips out and gets all pissed off. I don't see why I have to do everything by myself, yet he doesn't."

DH was like that. he's gotten a lot better. he still does it occasionally though. for example, i can get DD in the shower with me. i set her in her tub while i wash myself, then take her diaper off, bathe her, set her in her tub while i dry off, get dressed, dry her, get her dressed all on my own. yet when he bathes her, someone else has to get her undressed, then come get her when he's done and get her dressed. when he worked, i had to do everything and would ask for a little help when he got home because i was tired and stressed from dealing with her all day, but it was just asking too much. we take turns on poopy diapers, but i'll change 3 in a row, say its his turn and he changes her and thinks the next is mine. ppl make me feel like smurf about it. saying she's more of my priority, but i didn't make her myself. it really pisses me off. MIL says he does a lot with DD but she's not home all day to see. most of the time he just does stuff because she's home. or she has him doing other stuff and i get no help at all from him (she seems to think that her helping makes up for that. i can't get her to realize that's not the point).

<blockquote><b>Quoting LilyRain12:</b>" DH was like that. he's gotten a lot better. he still does it occasionally though. for example, i can ... [snip!] ... help at all from him (she seems to think that her helping makes up for that. i can't get her to realize that's not the point)."</blockquote>


My bf says he'll help more once I go back to work, but I'm worried that he won't! Also my family thinks I should get him into daycare cause they don't think I can rely on my bf. They think he does nothing, which he sometimes does things... but he basically does nothing. I really hope that changes next week! I don't want to be at working worrying about what's going on at home. That won't help me at work.

(Speaking of "MIL", we aren't married so she wouldn't be a MIL, but she doesn't know about me, doesn't know her son has a kid. His brother doesn't know he's an uncle. There's a LONG story behind that, but I wish he would call her and tell her. Its been almost 3yrs of us being together. He saw her 2yrs? ago, easter of 2011 and hasn't really talked to her since. He ignores her phone calls, won't call back. She and his brother called to wish him a merry christmas, new year/happy birthday. And he didn't call back.)

There is no reason to feel guilt for doing for a future child what you couldn't do with an earlier one. Things change, you change & grow & learn, situations differ...that is life. I was working with #1 from 6 weeks on. I felt bad because he was a boobaholic & a mommas boy so I knew he was happiest when with me, but that wasn't something I could do, so I did the best I could with Dh's & my schedules & whatnot to limit his child care, but I worked. With #2 I have been home since he was a baby. That is one major obvious difference, but there are a million more subtle things I do differently that I think are better for him or better for our family that I just learned with time & trial & error.

I really don't waste time feeling bad over stuff. I do the best I can with what I have to work with. We all feel small pangs of guilt over things we shouldn't & a few over things we should, but we never need to hold on to that guilt. You learn what you learn from it & move forward. Your baby is still young though, so I think you will get a better handle on letting go of guilt as you go. I know I did.

And yes, if you have another, give nursing a try again. The fact is you WILL do better with #2 in a multitude of ways that are all across the board simply by being a more prepared & knowledgeable momma. You can't feel guilty about that. All things get easier in time & with experience, mothering included. Your 1st will always, sadly, be your experimental child, because they will always be your 1st toddler, your 1st preschooler, your 1st teenager to deal with & you will continue to find times you wish you would have done this or that differently. There is nothing wrong with doing better if you know better & no sense doing things the same just for the sake of thinking it will somehow be "more fair" to everyone. You do what you can when you can & trust it is enough for everyone.

Quoting LilyRain12:" i just feel that it would be giving one child more than the other..."

No it's just learning from the first. Everyone has things they do different with the second bc the learned what works for them the first time around. You're saying you don't feel bonded? How old is the baby? I know it sucks when dh doesn't help out (Lord do I know!) but if you look at it as you having to do everything and everything is a hassle/chore theres a pretty good chance you'll end up feeling resentful towards the child

Quoting Tay L:" <blockquote><b>Quoting LilyRain12:</b>" DH was like that. he's gotten a lot better. ... [snip!] ... won't call back. She and his brother called to wish him a merry christmas, new year/happy birthday. And he didn't call back.)"

well, at least he's not just avoiding telling them. seems like he just doesn't care to have anything to do with them.