A mother losing a child... what can I do?

I understand this is a very delicate place but feel it's the best place to post...if anyone can give advise as a mother who has lost a child.

I realize no words will heal her pain, but I am very worried about my aunt. My cousin took his own life November 23RD 2011,he was 24. He has 3 brothers and a sister all younger. the youngest two are 8 and 7, His brother age 23 just had a baby boy and he was named after my cousin that passed. (just so u understand she has many reasons to stay strong) my aunt has been through a lot, molested as a young child, physically abused by multiple men, she has struggled with severe depression since she can remember, she was just starting to feel better, found meds that actually helped and then she loses her first born, her pride and joy....
Idk how else to put this without feeling harsh.... but my aunt is very obsessed with the son she lost, she posts constantly about him, right before he died he deleted his Facebook, and afterwards she made another in his name and she posts from that account and I break down every time because it's not my cousin. I talk to her as often as I can and she loves talking about him, and I have many great memories of him and I love to talk about the good times..... I just worry she is so focused on him and I wish there was something I could say or do to get her focusing more on the children she has in her care and the newbabynew baby, the happy things in life.... but I can not understand the pain she feels as a mother and who am I to say how long it's healthy to grieve? I feel like an ass posting this but I worry daily about her because of her past mental health..... I wish I could take just a small part of her pain away.... I hate to see her this way.... she is an amazing strong woman and she has survived so much, she deserves to be happy again.... btw.... she is in Washington I'm in Alaska so we talk on Facebook and the phone....

Unfortunately their isn't much you can do. If you try it may wind up pushing her further away. My aunt and uncle lost their middle child (27) at the time 7 years ago. My aunt recovered well, went to grief couseling with her eldest daughter, my uncle barely gets out of bed, drinks himself to death. Whenever people try he gets angry and backs away more. Their are things you can try to get her other children to do, like take her out and try to get her mind off things, but IDK that that will even help if she is that far gone.

Quoting FutureMRSmama:" Unfortunately their isn't much you can do. If you try it may wind up pushing her further away. My aunt ... [snip!] ... children to do, like take her out and try to get her mind off things, but IDK that that will even help if she is that far gone."

She told my grandma she is cutting anyone out of her life that won't talk about him.
I thought the baby might brighten things up a little more.... I just hope time is all she needs.... the middle child has been having the hardest time, he is 14 and attempted suicide twice, and luckily the set up broke both times... he's been hospitalized and is on meds but the youngest two have an amazing daddy who still loves my aunt and is there for her, he just couldn't deal with her depression and mood swings.... it's been especially hard on those two though..... I feel helpless.... I know no words, nothing will bring my cousin back.... I wish we were closer so I could be there physically if she needed me.... her and I have a bond and my cousin Jeff and I were close, so she talks to me often.... I just want to take some of the pain away...

SO's sister lost their baby boy at 6-7 weeks...
She often just doesn't like to talk about it.. If the kids say that they see him, she cries. She just avoids it.. Except his birthday and the day he passed.. She goes to church those days and prays, and visits him, so does SO. I'm tearing up just thinking about. I went with them last year to church.. Seeing them cry made me wanna cry, but I couldn't because I didn't want my daughter to see me cry. He would be 5 months older than DD, he would be two in a couple of weeks... Often I think she holds DD and thinks about her son. Because they were so close in age.. They would be best friends like his brothers are with DD.
But I know she doesn't like to talk about it, and I wouldn't either.. I don't blame her.

If they wanna talk about it... talk about it. If they don't, don't bring it up.

Quoting Meℓony ♥:" SO's sister lost their baby boy at 6-7 weeks... She often just doesn't like to talk about it.. If the ... [snip!] ... and I wouldn't either.. I don't blame her. If they wanna talk about it... talk about it. If they don't, don't bring it up. "

that is heartbreaking. I can't imagine the pain a parent feels after such a tradgedy.....  

Quoting ♥ Jessi ♥:" that is heartbreaking. I can't imagine the pain a parent feels after such a tradgedy.....  "

I know.. my heart breaks a little more and more when I see her.
I couldn't either.. And I hope I never do..

I was just reading about a mother losing her child from a dresser falling on her 3 year old.. It hit me close because this past new years eve I had a heavy mirror in my room.. DD pushed it and it fell on top of her.. I heard it and jumped up, breaking my camera and got her up and carried her to the E.R.. they told me that she was fine, thank god, and that I needed to bolt furniture to the walls.. I didn't think it was that important until now when I read it.. I cried and cried. I'm getting bolts when my mom wakes up.. I'm terrified right now. As I am of anything else..

Quoting Meℓony ♥:" I know.. my heart breaks a little more and more when I see her. I couldn't either.. And I hope I never ... [snip!] ... I read it.. I cried and cried. I'm getting bolts when my mom wakes up.. I'm terrified right now. As I am of anything else.. "

omg that is so scary! I'm glad she's ok!!

it's my biggest fear, I try not to take my loved ones, especially our children for granted....

She needs professional help.
I had a boyfriend whose son killed himself while we were together. His son was 16. According to some professionals that he saw, it takes about 5 years for the agony to be noticeably lessened. That is for a healthy adult.
The best thing to do for your aunt is encourage her to get professional help.

I have never lost a child but I have lost someone to suicide.
Unfortunately all you can do is be there when she needs you. Losing somebody to suicide is very different to losing them to say a car accident or illness. So many emotions go through your head, hate, guilt, frustration just to name a few. The main one people go through is the guilt of not being able to stop it, a part of you hates yourself for not being able to stop them from taking their life.
I also understand her cutting people out of her life if they refuse to talk about him, he was a massive part of her life and to act like he didn't exist hurts. I started recently cutting out people that tell me its time to get over what happened, it is something you can never get over.
I would suggest asking her to see a suicide support group if there is one in her area, best thing I have done because the ladies are wonderful and supportive and you can talk about your loved one without judgment. You get to talk to people who understand all the crazy feelings you have.
If she is on facebook there are plenty of pages with support on there.   I have found this one to be really helpful: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Survivors-of-Suicide-Bereavement-Support-Association-Inc-SOSBSA/164602631156?ref=ts&fref=ts

the only real help you can get her, is for her to find some professional help.

Using the computer try and find a grief counselling ...sometimes its better to have a group of people who all understand your loss, even though they are all going through a different type of loss.

The moms I know in the cancer world who have lost their children are very honest that it never 'gets better'....but they do find a way to 'go on'. It sounds to me like your aunt has lost her ability to 'go on'. Good luck Jess.

Quoting TheNuge:" She needs professional help. I had a boyfriend whose son killed himself while we were together. His son ... [snip!] ... noticeably lessened. That is for a healthy adult. The best thing to do for your aunt is encourage her to get professional help."

man, 5 years is a long time to suffer like that.... I know she was seeing someone before we lost him, I don't know if she has continued on a regular basis.... I will find out...

Quoting Silverkoala:" I have never lost a child but I have lost someone to suicide. Unfortunately all you can do is be there ... [snip!] ... http://www.facebook.com/pages/Survivors-of-Suicide-Bereavement-Support-Association-Inc-SOSBSA/164602631156?ref=ts&fref=ts"

I will pass this along... thank you.

Quoting Shannonsfirst:" the only real help you can get her, is for her to find some professional help. Using the computer try ... [snip!] ... better'....but they do find a way to 'go on'. It sounds to me like your aunt has lost her ability to 'go on'. Good luck Jess. "

thanks hun.... I hope her pain eases with time.... I can not imagine what she is going through, just breaks my heart.... I know she blames herself too.