The sex talk

Okay, I'm going to try and give the short version. Last weekend my oldest daughter had a sleepover with her best friend A who is a boy. They are both 8 years old. We live right next to each other in townhouses. We were over there late playing board games and right before we left they both begged us to let my daughter stay over. We both agreed, she ran over to get her blanket and about 10 min after her siblings and I left they were both passed out in the guest bed on top over the covers with their blankets.

Fast forward to Friday. I come home to a note stuck to my door telling me that the school counselor came by and needed to speak with me. I call the school and the counselor tells me that she isn't in trouble or hurt but she has been spreading a rumor about herself. I ask what she has been saying. She tells me that my child has told several other student that she and A had sex.

WHAT THE SmUrf?

My jaw hit the floor. I was completely dumbfounded. I race up to the school to speak with the counselor in person. She tells me that 2 students told them what she was saying. After talking with my daughter she was sure she had no clue what sex was and had no idea why she was telling people that.

After a long talk I went home to collect my thoughts and figure out how to approach the situation without making her feel like she was in trouble. Over the weekend we spoke several times and I found out what actually happened. See she readily admitted she said it. I asked her WHY she said it. She told me "she thought she did". Another jaw drop moment. She really thought she had sex with A? What? She clearly had no idea what sex was except that grown ups do it because they love each other. So I asked why she thought she had sex with A. Exact answer "Because he said I did.".

Turns out she told a boy about her sleepover with A and that they got to sleep in the big bed. He told her that meant she and A had sex. The same boy who then turned around and told the teacher she was saying bad things. She didn't even question what he said and accepted it as the truth. She loves A because he is her best friend and people have sex when they love each other. If having sex means sleeping in the same bed then she must have had sex. So she had no problem repeating it.

Obviously I explained that she didn't have sex but I feel like I need to explain it further and I'm at a loss on how to go about it. She's a very immature 8 year old as in acts very young still. She doesn't care about boys, we don't have cable or really watch much TV, no video games or anything. We play outside a lot or play board games. She likes riding bikes and playing pretend/dress up. Most of the kids in her class act more like middle schoolers worrying about boys, makeup and their weight(at 8 and 9, I was shocked too!).

How do I explain sex in a way that she will understand when she has no clue except the word which is basically meaningless to her. She doesn't even quite understand WHY it was not okay to say because she just thinks it's a grown up word she can't say like curse words. She knows good touch/bad touch but I never brought up the word sex. Should I expand on that? How do I explain sex without making her feel like it's "taboo" and still making her feel okay about telling if someone touches her inappropriately? I don't want to make sex some horrible thing but not okay either.

Ugh, I feel so out of my league right now. I'm still feeling shocked by the situation and like a huge failure, like I should have prepared her. I just never expected it to be something that would happen now. She's only 8 and in the 2nd grade. Even the counselor said she was blown away by the whole thing. She understands now that I told her what happened though, on my daughters part at least. The boy who told her all this is also 8.   Thanks for listening and any advise you can give.

Sorry, I know that was supposed to be a short version and wasn't.

wow wow wow.... im speechless.

i would explain to her that sex is what adults do, and it involves thier private parts, but that only two people who are married (if thats your belief) do that, and that she shouldnt worry about it until she is much older. i would also explain that it is not a bad word, but that growups and kids dont do it with each other (good touch bad touch) and kids dont do it with each other either .....

Oh wow, I don't know really what to say, but I'm chuckling over here, that's something that just gets dropped on you.

If I was in that situation I would just leave it that it's something adults do, and not kids.

But my oldest is almost 7 and has SN so if I even said that he'd still repeat it.

Quoting Beanie's Breeder:" wow wow wow.... im speechless. i would explain to her that sex is what adults do, and it involves thier ... [snip!] ... but that growups and kids dont do it with each other (good touch bad touch) and kids dont do it with each other either ....."

Right? I felt like someone punched me in the chest. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my mind around the whole situation. I'm just.. I feel like every talk I run through my head is wrong.

Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" Oh wow, I don't know really what to say, but I'm chuckling over here, that's something that just gets ... [snip!] ... it's something adults do, and not kids. But my oldest is almost 7 and has SN so if I even said that he'd still repeat it."

I want to stay vague but I'm worried that since some of her peers are obviously more informed than her that there could be more miss-communications.

  I dont balme you for not knowing what to say... I'm pretty speechless myself. I really dont know what you should say to your daughter, except try to be as honest with her as possible. Also someone needs to address the little boy who started the rumors. I know it wasnt intentional, but this has the potential to get alot worse. All it takes is one kid talking to their parent saying a girl in their class had sex with a boy, then that parent saying something to someone else, ect. God I hope I never have to go through this (I know we all will at some point or another, but it is nice to dream). Good luck hun.

Quoting Soon 2B Mom of 2:"   I dont balme you for not knowing what to say... I'm pretty speechless myself. I really dont know ... [snip!] ... I hope I never have to go through this (I know we all will at some point or another, but it is nice to dream). Good luck hun."

I know this boy and it isn't the first time he's mentioned sex. Over the summer he told my neighbor that "when loud music is playing it means people are having sex.". I thought about telling the school but it's second hand info and seems gossipy you know? I can't go to the counselor and tell her "Oh so and so said this same boy said this to her!".

Quoting 3 little monsters:" I know this boy and it isn't the first time he's mentioned sex. Over the summer he told my neighbor ... [snip!] ... info and seems gossipy you know? I can't go to the counselor and tell her "Oh so and so said this same boy said this to her!". "

well it might be important that they talk to him and his family as well, because no kid should be exposed to that or have that kind of knowledge first hand....

Quoting 3 little monsters:" I know this boy and it isn't the first time he's mentioned sex. Over the summer he told my neighbor ... [snip!] ... info and seems gossipy you know? I can't go to the counselor and tell her "Oh so and so said this same boy said this to her!". "

Yeah I know what you mean, but I'd still be making sure the counseler addressed the boys family about this situation. He is learning it from somewhere. It could be a sibling, it could be a parent, or it could even be the TV, but the boy needs to know it isnt ok to say things like this. Especially when because of something he said this whole thing got blown out of proportion. I dont think he intentionally said it to cause problems, but it definately needs to be addressed so something like this doesnt happen again. Once a rumor starts it is damn near impossible to stop.

Quoting Beanie's Breeder:" well it might be important that they talk to him and his family as well, because no kid should be exposed to that or have that kind of knowledge first hand...."

Believe me I've thought about that. I have no idea how to present that info though. The only reason I even know who told is because I asked her. I don't think the school can even address something that happened over the summer let alone 2nd hand he said she said stuff.

Quoting Soon 2B Mom of 2:"   I dont balme you for not knowing what to say... I'm pretty speechless myself. I really dont know ... [snip!] ... I hope I never have to go through this (I know we all will at some point or another, but it is nice to dream). Good luck hun."

Honestly.. I think he did do it intentionally. I don't think he did it against my child specifically but more that he would have done it with any child in that same situation. He told her she had sex knowing it was a "bad" thing to say and then turned around and told the teacher. He made it clear he knew what it meant and that it was wrong. Again though I have no clue how to bring it up if he hasn't said anything like that in the past at school. If he has they didn't tell me and are handling it with his parents. I only told them what he told my child specifically.

IDK It could be that I just plain don't like this child. I think he's a brat. He spent most of the summer stealing my kids floaties at the pool and telling his parents they were his when I went to them. They made him return them but I dont like him much. He's probably a product of his upbringing but he's still a annoying attention seeking child that I don't enjoy being around.

I would bring it to the schools attention that this boy said it and let then talk to her alone. These counselors can tell if a child is being truthful and ours important that little boy is addressed. There could be more going on at home than anyone knows and he needs to be talked too. Girl I just found out some stuff today I'll have to message you about soon. Not my kids but that shocked feeling you feel is still there for me!

My friends DD went through the same thing.

But sh.was. 6 an older kid about 9 told her sex is when 2 ppl have a candlelight dinner together.

She kept repeating it at school and someone told on her. It was a Catholic school and she was actually isolated because of. They had to switch schools.

Parents of the other students complained to the teacher and their kids were told not to play with her anymore. It was very sad actually.

I would tell her the truth about it. My 4 yr old knows the basics of sex. As well as my 10 yr old...who knew at 4.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Mel & a girl named Pey:</b>" I would bring it to the schools attention that this boy said it and let then talk to her alone. These ... [snip!] ... out some stuff today I'll have to message you about soon. Not my kids but that shocked feeling you feel is still there for me!"</blockquote>




Oh they know what he told her, I went up there first thing yesterday and told The counselor. They have talked to her alone, on Friday and again on Monday.

<blockquote><b>Quoting crazy coupon lady:</b>" My friends DD went through the same thing. But sh.was. 6 an older kid about 9 told her sex is when 2 ... [snip!] ... actually. I would tell her the truth about it. My 4 yr old knows the basics of sex. As well as my 10 yr old...who knew at 4."</blockquote>


Poor kid.   I doubt it will go that far for her. It appears to already be forgotten.