WHY ME?! :(

Friday I was at home when I had to use the bathroom. I went & noticed some faint brownish discharge, but in it were two very small stringy blood clots. Very small & to some might not have been anything to fret about. But, something told me it was bad. Unfortunately I was home alone & my boyfriend was 2hours away at work. I text him immediately & thankfully he was able to get out right away.
Soon later we went to the hospital. I told the doctor my situation & he gave me a pelvic exam & swabbed me & told me everything looked perfect. He said even though it didn't look like an emergency, he'd allow an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. I felt so relieved & at this point my boyfriend & I even began discussing baby names. We had no fear. The doctor seemed confident & I felt God was on my family's side. They completed the ultrasound (stomach & vaginal) & sent me back to my room. Within minutes the doctor came in with his head down & said, "I''m so sorry. It isn't good." Immediately I started crying hysterically. Moments earlier I'd caught him saying "She's gonna be so disappointed" & something made me think he was referring to me, but I was so sure my baby was healthy & doing great. He then proceeded to tell us that the baby had no heartbeat & it quit developing. So many thought raced through my head. I was crying so hard though, that the doctor had to step out before we could continue the conversation. My boyfriend & I just sat on the hospital bed together, holding each other & crying. Our miracle baby - gone. They told me there was nothing they could do, but to schedule an appointment for a D&C in case I don't bleed soon.
I'm absolutely miserable. I feel as though my heart, my life, my soul has been ripped from me. My boyfriend & I loved our baby so much. I'm just so confused & lost. I'm usually a very energetic & social person, but since Friday, I've jsut been walking around like a zombie. Don't talk much, don't laugh, don't smile, don't care. I feel apathetic. I'm numb & sad & in denial all at once. I heard 1 in 4 miscarried, but because of my faith in God, I just truly believed that wouldn't be me. I thought with all my heart that God sent me my angel & I'd thank Him ALL the time for blessing my boyfriend & I. How did this happen? I can't think straight. My whole world revolved around being pregnant. Now there's silences where their used to be laughter. The worse part is I'm still carrying him/her. Part of me wants to let it go & part of me wants not to let go. I'm in so much pain! How long has my baby been lifeless inside of me? When I was taking pregnancy pictures & smiling, was I celebrating nothing?!
My belly got rounder since Friday & it's just a painful reminder. I wouldn've been so excited. I used to run to the mirror like once an hour. I miss those days. & then there are the guilty thoughts, like could I have done something different...? This can't be real! How did this happen to me? You don't even know how much my boyfriend & I loved our baby! YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE! Nothing ever made me happier than when I was pregnant. I can't explain. Now I feel defeated, hopeless, lost, numb... I do believe God does things for a reason, but this is painful. I can admit, I've grown up more & become a better person in the short time I've known (6.5 weeks) & my relationship with my boyfriend improved drastically & with my mom too. I grew closer to God & deepened my faith. & I almost don't think I'd take all this back, even knowing what I know, but...STILL. I just don't know what to do! I can't turn my brain off. I hate having it hit me over & over. When will this ever get better?!  
* Please say a prayer for my family. It would mean a lot to us!

If you need to talk, im here for you. Truly. I know EXACTLY what youre going through. Im so sorry.

I'll be praying for you.

I think it's very healthy that you are so in tune with your feelings and honest with yourself. I think that's a very admirable trait and I think it will be a big strength between you and your boyfriend through this tough time.

Do your best to remember the time you had with your baby and how happy you were, and let that help ease the pain of them not being with you anymore.

It's going to hurt, and I wish I could tell you when it was going to get better and how you can ease the pain....but just allow yourself to feel it. Feel every second of it, cry, hate everything, embrace the pain and emerge yourself into your feelings....and once you've done that....make a pact with yourself to dust yourself off and try and regain your life. Every day after, try and get a little bit better. Allow yourself to become okay again, and allow yourself to still remember the beautiful things you still have. Your family, your friends, your boyfriend.

It's okay to be broken, just make sure you don't allow yourself to stay that way forever.

I'm so sorry!! You are in my thoughts & prayers!!!

My heart is with you in this time of need.
I can relate I have had a few losses, the days rolled into one and I couldn't distinguish between one day to another, I felt as my heart was ripped out and stomped on.
If you need to talk to anyone I am here.

I'm so very sorry. I just went through this last month, and the pain is still agonizing. There is not much I can say except I understand and I'm here if you need to talk.

So sorry mama! I've never been where you are, but I can imagine that it is horrible. God never puts more on you than you can handle, just remember that. My sister in law had 4 miscarriages and now her and my brother have SEVEN healthy children. God will give you another baby, and he will heal this hole in your heart. Stay strong sweetie.

I lost my first baby on Dec 29. I'm still devastated. Life completely lost its meaning. I'm here if you want to talk.

Quoting BabyLove08.05:" Friday I was at home when I had to use the bathroom. I went & noticed some faint brownish discharge, ... [snip!] ... it hit me over & over. When will this ever get better?!   * Please say a prayer for my family. It would mean a lot to us!"

I feel so heartbroken for you. I am going through the same thing at this current time. I just had my D&C January 9th, I was due in July.

I went in for a regular ultrasound and was totally blind sided by the baby not having a heart beat. It was a very just horrible nightmarish moment.

If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me.