This isn't so much a debate topic as it just a discussion topic..
Just a hypothetical question for you ladies..
Which do you think would be more difficult for you to deal with?
A.) A father who COULD be involved in his child's life, but didn't want to be...
OR
B.) A father who wanted to be involved in his child's life, but COULDN'T be?

Let's say option A is a situation where the father is welcome to be a part of his child's life and nothing is really stopping him from doing so, other than the fact that he didn't wish to be.
And option B is a circumstance where the father wanted nothing more than to be with you and your child, but couldn't be there because of being overseas at war, or in prison for something that came back to haunt him, or maybe even is health prevented him from being able to be there, etc.
Which do you think would be a harder situation to cope with, for you personally, on your own as a mother?

Just.. some food for thought.

Well my daughter's father is more than welcome to be in her life but she chooses not to. But I don't know I can't judge since I'm not in the other situation

Hm, i don't know.
Choice A is what happened with my oldest-- was hard at first, but in time (he's 7 now) it's just..whatever. I'm happy, my son's happy (doesn't know differently) I'm sure it could change depending on my son's perception of the situation as he gets older.

So maybe i'd think Choice B would be harder? Cos the missing/pain of the situation wouldn't 'fade' in time.

I'm not sure.

I think as a mother option A would be harder because I wouldn't want my child to understand that concept & would have no idea how to explain it if they asked. I certainly would try to make sure they understood he was the asshat, not them. At least with option B I could tell them that if he could be there he would...so I would think it would be easier for them. As a mom - anything that is easier on my children IS automatically easier on me. The most stressful thing for me is seeing my kids in distress.

Quoting KNZ.:" Hm, i don't know. Choice A is what happened with my oldest-- was hard at first, but in time (he's 7 ... [snip!] ... So maybe i'd think Choice B would be harder? Cos the missing/pain of the situation wouldn't 'fade' in time. I'm not sure. "

I think I agree. I think B may be harder (they are both smurffy situations, though). Because I feel like in option A, it's an opportunity that's open for the taking. If the father is welcomed, all he has to do is act, which he can do at any time. If he's fully capable, he can seize that opportunity at any time.. In option B, acting isn't an option.. the yearning is what would make it hard, I think?
Idk how to explain it, really.

Quoting justanothamotha:" I think as a mother option A would be harder because I wouldn't want my child to understand that concept ... [snip!] ... that is easier on my children IS automatically easier on me. The most stressful thing for me is seeing my kids in distress."

That's a VERY good point.

Quoting justanothamotha:" I think as a mother option A would be harder because I wouldn't want my child to understand that concept ... [snip!] ... that is easier on my children IS automatically easier on me. The most stressful thing for me is seeing my kids in distress."

The way i see it though is that if the dad is just- not in the picture at all (in this case cos he doesn't want to be), you can all move on. Don't have to be biologically related to be a father to a child- so while one day you'll have to explain where his bio-dad is, you can also explain where his dad-dad is. Right there.

I'm not sure if in situation B you're WITH the person who can't be there- but if so, then that could lead to the pain of the child missing him/not knowing him, etc..and possibly not having the possibility of the dad that is present.

Eeeh I've been in both situations with Deans dad...

Didn't bother me at all, when he didn't want anything to do with me when I was preg, I got over it... I had to get ready for a baby and it was going to be hard because dean had a defect, I was scared as smurf, but I had to get myself together for my son... he didn't want us, and that was his choice, I made everything more than accessable to my ex, I even picked him up from a strip club because he was drunk and crying for me, took him to see the baby in nicu at 3 am... we sat there and held pur baby, we went home and he was gone in the morning... oh well his choice...

Then he went to prison, spent months sending letters calling, trying to be relevent, I took baby to see him, he was about 9 months, I seen my ex this big ass, mma fighter, thug looking, tatted up crying like a girl because he finally seen Dean who's splitting image of him and Dean didn't care who he was, didn't care that was his daddy, it almost broke my heart then I rememberd u made this choice no1 else...
Sucks to be u  

It would be diff of he was in military, I guess, but soliders still choose to have that life... my sister and bil are in navy they had baby and he got put on land duty my sisters getting out, he wants to go back to the ship, she dosnt want him to be deployed, but he wants to go, so he prob will... again his choice...

Quoting K. P. Walsh:" I think I agree. I think B may be harder (they are both smurffy situations, though). Because I feel like ... [snip!] ... time.. In option B, acting isn't an option.. the yearning is what would make it hard, I think? Idk how to explain it, really. "

I know what you mean.
In the future i also don't plan on painting a horrible picture of Carter's bio-dad because i don't want to come off as spiteful or teach my son hatred like that. (even though he is/was a horrible person  )
but i'd definitely want to be honest with him and assure him that his dad isn't his bio-dad but he's definitely his "dad". if that makes sense.

Quoting KNZ.:" The way i see it though is that if the dad is just- not in the picture at all (in this case cos he doesn't ... [snip!] ... to the pain of the child missing him/not knowing him, etc..and possibly not having the possibility of the dad that is present. "

Yah - see that is different, as I don't intend to ever have anyone be a "dad' if their dad were to be gone for any reason. That is a longggg thing to discuss/explain, so I will leave it at that. So in MY world I don't imagine telling them how much their (step) dad loves them & how that makes up for it because I know that wouldn't be anything I am comfortable with.

Quoting justanothamotha:" Yah - see that is different, as I don't intend to ever have anyone be a "dad' if their dad were to be ... [snip!] ... much their (step) dad loves them & how that makes up for it because I know that wouldn't be anything I am comfortable with."

I wouldn't if i was just separated from them and they had a 'dad'.
But in my situation he's met my son once, four years ago when he was three, and legally can't even contact us now..so it's been 7 years of carter knowing nothing but just being with me.


he's yet to ever call/look at anyone i've had a relationship with as 'dad', cos, i'm not an idiot, but now that i'm with his sister's dad and we're expecting our third..he has come to see him as his dad and in time he's shown interest in wanting to call him dad and while years ago when we were first together, i was wary about it, i'm not as much now. i'm not going to deprive him of having a father just because 8 years ago some dude ditched out.

I ask, because SO and I have been together 2 years. I've known him longer. Maybe 3 1/2 years, 4 years. DD is 5 months.
We're happy, things are great. He's an honest, loving man who is a great provider. We go to church every Sunday (not that makes us good people, but you know what I'm saying, we live a life with God in it)
We're planning on getting married in 2014. Things have honestly been great. I knew around the time I met him a while back that he was a wild teenager, got into some legal trouble, but when he and I started dating, he completely mellowed out and focused on school and our relationship. No legal trouble since.
One day last July, we get a knock on our door, it's 3 officers asking to speak to him/ Apparently, legal trouble from when he was a teenager, has come back to haunt him. I guess this kid he used to commit crimes with as a teenager is in prison and mentions SO's name in a case that he's serving time for. They ask to speak to SO, so he willingly does it, thinking he has nothing to hide, this was years ago.
WELL, as it turns out, they've been working on building a case against SO and several other people for crimes they weren't able to prosecute.. Non violent crimes, but forgery type things. This hasn't been a part of SO's life for quite some time and isn't the type of person he is anymore.
Anyway, they arrested him based on what he told them. He was released on house arrest, but has been offered a plea bargain he could take or he can choose to take his case to trial in April.
He could be facing some serious time, well, for me, it's serious time, and it's all quite shocking.
Yes, he did it to himself, but it's really come to haunt him and bite us all in the ass.
I' just not sure how I'll cope if he goes away for something that he did YEARS ago when he was young and stupid.
That's why I asked. Got me thinking, is all.

Quoting KNZ.:" I wouldn't if i was just separated from them and they had a 'dad'. But in my situation he's met my son ... [snip!] ... about it, i'm not as much now. i'm not going to deprive him of having a father just because 8 years ago some dude ditched out."

I'm not saying what anyone else should do at all. I only mean me. I am older than you too - probably by quite a bit. So I am totally okay with being single from now until forever if something happened that Dh was out of the picture....and maybe dating someone (that is never involved with my kids). It is like I said a long story, and I am super super stubborn in certain ways so I am not sure anyone would be able to sway me on that.

Quoting K. P. Walsh:" I ask, because SO and I have been together 2 years. I've known him longer. Maybe 3 1/2 years, 4 years. ... [snip!] ... he goes away for something that he did YEARS ago when he was young and stupid. That's why I asked. Got me thinking, is all. "

i'm sorry you're finding yourself in this situation  
that's definitely tough.
i mean, with these specifics, that would be really hard, but i think better off than just having some dude not in the picture cos he didn't want to be.
i think.. i'm not sure, i'm tired.   but, if you're willing to be his support system during all of this and think that it's worth working through then i'd think you'll be able to make it work!
i wish you luck!

Quoting justanothamotha:" I'm not saying what anyone else should do at all. I only mean me. I am older than you too - probably ... [snip!] ... I said a long story, and I am super super stubborn in certain ways so I am not sure anyone would be able to sway me on that."

Oh i can definitely relate with the 'being single' part if things were to not work out.  
If things went south with my daughter's dad, i'd definitely just ride it out with the kids- cos during the time we weren't together- and just in life- i love being single & doing things on our own time. (i don't coexist well with other adults in a relationshipy way   ) and in that case, they'd see exactly where 'dad' is- just, not with us.