re: Would you help your child change for bullying?

If it is something they wanted to do then yes but do I think it will stop the bully from bullying, no. They will simply find something or someone else to pick on. I think once you start focussing on how not to get bullied rather than not to bully it can change things dramatically. It gives the idea it is the "victim" who must change something about them in order to please or avoid the bully in reality it's the bully that needs to change something about themselves and that's what needs to be enforced.

In an ideal world that is the way it would work anyway.

Quoting Rd.:" Makeup can not only make some people look more attractive, but make them feel more confident."

But that same thing can happen via therapy honestly. Confidence is something that comes from between the ears, so making external changes to attempt to gain it is not real confidence. I wear make up at times. I don't at others. I am not more confident when I wear it. I wear it when I think it is part of the overall appearance...so for instance, when I worked outside the home I was in sales. I wore it daily because I was dressed up, wore suits, etc & felt like it was a way of dressing my face up the same way I dressed my hair up. It was part of the "uniform". On days I was just in my office & getting caught up I wore jeans & no make up & a ponytail. I didn't feel more or less confident either way - I felt dressed for the task at hand.

I do find it sad that women look to external cues for confidence. I've known a number of women who get flattered if they get all dolled up & go out & get hit on by men. I don't understand that at all. When I am hit on I feel nothing about it. I know when I turn them down & tell them I am married they aren't going back to their table to stare longingly at me the rest of the night & go home alone because I turned them down. They are going to move on to the next woman they think looks attainable & if she says no, then they move on again. It isn't about *me* at all, or any other woman, it's about trying to get laid & it shouldn't be flattering that some stranger at a bar wants to hump you.. Yet I know plenty of women who will walk out with a bounce in their step that some dude tried to hook up with them regardless of the fact that he went home with someone else & was just as happy to leave with her instead.

Quoting kate & tilly:" <blockquote><b>Quoting justanothamotha:</b>" How did wearing makeup help you?"</blockquote> ... [snip!] ... the problem. I don't think it was a big change. But I felt much better about myself which is all that mattered to begin with."

You don't think there were other ways you could have learned to feel better about yourself? And if you were bullied for being cute already, how would wearing makeup make that less of an issue?

<blockquote><b>Quoting justanothamotha:</b>" But that same thing can happen via therapy honestly. Confidence is something that comes from between ... [snip!] ... hook up with them regardless of the fact that he went home with someone else & was just as happy to leave with her instead."</blockquote>




I almost never wear makeup now. But at 13 it made me feel much more confident. I always thought of it like battle armor. To this day my sister refers to it as war paint. The only time either one of us wears it now is to go to court.

<blockquote><b>Quoting kate & tilly:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting justanothamotha:</b>" But that same thing can happen via therapy ... [snip!] ... battle armor. To this day my sister refers to it as war paint. The only time either one of us wears it now is to go to court."</blockquote>



I never left my house without makeup as a teenager. Now I don't care so much.

But no way in hell do I go out somewhere nice without makeup. I feel good about myself if I think I look my best.

<blockquote><b>Quoting justanothamotha:</b>" You don't think there were other ways you could have learned to feel better about yourself? And if you were bullied for being cute already, how would wearing makeup make that less of an issue?"</blockquote>




I'm sure there were other ways. But it was the cheapest most cost effective means to an end. It was never about the other girls. It was about making me feel good. It was being accepted into the world of all the older girls. My sister had been wearing makeup a few years. She showed me how to do it just right not to much just enough. It was a right of passage. If my daughter had problems that close to high school with girls I'd let her do the same.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Onalee's Mummy:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting kate & tilly:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting justanothamotha:</b>" ... [snip!] ... so much. But no way in hell do I go out somewhere nice without makeup. I feel good about myself if I think I look my best."</blockquote>



I didn't go out without at least mascara on as a teenager. I really don't care about getting all dolled up anymore. Especially since the only place I go regularly is the grocery store.

<blockquote><b>Quoting kate & tilly:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Onalee's Mummy:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting kate ... [snip!] ... I really don't care about getting all dolled up anymore. Especially since the only place I go regularly is the grocery store."</blockquote>



I don't wear it anymore either. But like I said, I would still definitely wear it if going somewhere nice - like a wedding.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Onalee's Mummy:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting kate & tilly:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Onalee's ... [snip!] ... I don't wear it anymore either. But like I said, I would still definitely wear it if going somewhere nice - like a wedding."</blockquote>


I probably would if I were going to a wedding too. Or if I had to see my in laws. I can't leave my battle armor behind if I have to deal with them for more than 5 minutes unfortunately.

<blockquote><b>Quoting kate & tilly:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Onalee's Mummy:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting kate ... [snip!] ... had to see my in laws. I can't leave my battle armor behind if I have to deal with them for more than 5 minutes unfortunately."</blockquote>




Hahahaha.

I do for reunions with friends from school as well. Because you know they all will.

I avoid the in laws.

This kind of got on a make-up tangent - sorry.

To my recollection these are the kinds of things I can recall kids getting picked on about:

Nose picking
Chewing with mouth open
Wearing "bad" clothing/shoes
Wearing glasses
Having braces
Ears stick out
Lazy eye
Freckles
Being red haired or blond combined with very pale complexion
Being too short
Being too tall
Being too thin
Being too fat
Having dandruff
Having acne
Having an unusual hobby or interest
Attributes of the parents...such as mom is "fat" or mom "dresses hoochie" or dad is a janitor or "you don't even know your dad", something along those kinds of lines.
....and then less definable things that can come with general social awkwardness.

Out of that list that I could think of, I would address nose picking & open mouth chewing, but I already address that at home constantly....so it wouldn't be about the bullying. It would be about the gross.  

Quoting Onalee's Mummy:" <blockquote><b>Quoting kate & tilly:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Onalee's ... [snip!] ... I don't wear it anymore either. But like I said, I would still definitely wear it if going somewhere nice - like a wedding."

Like I said, I wear it when it fits the clothing/occasion, so if I am going to "do my hair", then "doing my face" seems in keeping. Just like I'd feel funny to show up to a wedding in jeans, I'd feel funny to not do hair & makeup. I think that is about the whole culture/tradition & pomp & circumstance of such events and that I was taught to dress up for certain things, so it feels right to me.

<blockquote><b>Quoting justanothamotha:</b>" This kind of got on a make-up tangent - sorry. To my recollection these are the kinds of things I can ... [snip!] ... chewing, but I already address that at home constantly....so it wouldn't be about the bullying. It would be about the gross.  "</blockquote>




I would address the acne, the ears.

The weight because its a health issue.

And Australia has uniforms so I can't comment on the clothes.

Quoting Onalee's Mummy:" <blockquote><b>Quoting justanothamotha:</b>" This kind of got on a make-up tangent ... [snip!] ... the acne, the ears. The weight because its a health issue. And Australia has uniforms so I can't comment on the clothes."

Okay - actually I forgot acne, I would too & actually my son has a lazy eye (it's very very slight though & he's never had a kid mention it, they likely don't notice) anyway - lazy eye is a medical issue that should be addressed regardless as well, that is if it can be addressed. And weight - IDK. In my family it is common to go through a brief chubby phase in mid childhood, so I am not sure I would. It seems like it happens to everyone in my family right before they get taller & it happened to Dh as well right around 9 or 10 until about 13. None of them have weight issues now. So I have no idea, it would depend on what the severity of the weight issue was.

Yes, I would to an extent. I was constantly picked on for my weight, I was always so skinny. When I started middle school I didn't know anyone because I transferred from the city to the county, so that made me an easier target since most of the kids went to elementary school together and I was new. I was 5'7" and maybe 85lbs soaking wet. I was called Anorexic, Bulimic, asked if I knew what steak tasted like. My nicknames were "Flat" since I didn't have boobs or a butt and I was also called "Betty Spaghetti". There was nothing wrong with me, I was just naturally tall and thin, I couldn't help it. It got to the point where I was layering my clothes, I began putting fleece pants or sweatpants under my jeans and wearing big hoodies to try to cover up how small I was. I was always picked on for my weight, even as a child. My childhood best friend's step father once asked me "What are those 2 strings hanging from your bathing suit?" I looked down trying to figure out what he was talking about, it turned out he was talking about my legs. Not to mention finding clothes were impossible. I remember 00 jeans being too baggy for me, that was after I was just big enough to fit into them. I often wore high waters because that's all that fit me considering my weight and height. Being picked on caused so much anxiety for me that I would fight going to school, I often didn't go and when I did I would have panic attacks so I'd do class work in the guidance office.

My step mother finally bought me protein shakes and although they didn't work, I adopted a new attitude. I started fighting back. Someone would tell me to sit my skinny ass down and I would ask them if they could get their fat ass up to make me sit down. I'll admit, that probably wasn't the smartest approach, but it worked. The kids started backing off.

By the time high school hit I filled out and most of the girls who picked on me got fat. The guys who picked on me in middle school tried to get into my pants in high school, which didn't work. But of course new rumors started when I got into high school. I hit puberty overnight it seemed, I went from a small B cup to a full DD and the rumor was I got a boob job at 14 since large boobs didn't seem natural on my small frame.


So yes, if my child was getting picked on for their unibrow I would wax it if they asked because I know what it's like to get picked on. If my child ends up like me, tall and scrawny, then tough smurf...I can't do much about genetics. But, I can promise you they won't go to school wearing high waters like I did. I would do my best to teach my child to embrace their flaws, but if he/she came home crying I can't say that I would completely shut them down and tell them to deal with it.