not sure(long)

What to title this or where to put it. I know this is mostly for the loss of children, at least what I've seen, but I've just been having issues and most of them go back to before i lost my Grandma and before my sons father committed suicide.. I used to never even think about death. Now it consumes me. I think maybe i didn't allow myself the proper time to heal and maybe i just kept it in.... But now i get panic attacks and anxiety attacks at the thought of death. This is literally the first time I've said this. I've never told anyone. I make myself sick thinking about death... I feel like i should go see someone about it or something but I'm so scared too. I mean its been 2 years but still feels like yesterday. This will be mostly rambling and i apologize but my thoughts are mush at the moment... I was watching the movie 50/50 and if you've seen it, the part where the one old man dies and the other guy says what's it matter how it happens, his heart stopped.. I started puking.. And i get horrible diarrhea.... Idk i just don't think i handled losing them well at all and now I'm sooooo worried about losing anyone... Sometimes it gets to the point where i feel like there's no point in anything.... I hate that feeling... I think that me feeling this way is starting to seriously cause problems in my life.... Like for instance i haven't been able to find a job, yes I'm applying, but I'm putting no other effort there's some days i just can't do anything... My case worker always asks if i need help for depression and i always say no... I think I'm lying to myself... But i would feel horrible using depression as a reason to not work... I know people who claim to be depressed just to get social security and not work and i just couldn't do that... But i feel like if i own up to how i really feel and admit how truly upset/depressed i am that my case worker will want me to.... The thought of me having to do that makes me feel like a failure.... But then i look at my son and i know I'm a good mom, but i also know I'm not giving him 100%...i could do and be so much more for him and i see it and i know it, but i just can't do it.... If i try to talk to any of my family about it I'm just told to suck it the smurf up... Its so much deeper than that and sucking it up is no longer an option. I just don't want to be a failure and admit i need help...

I started taking zoloft 10 years ago aand it made me feel so much better. I dont sleep near as much. Little things that used to consume ...now i realize....I can deal. Im not a talking and a therapist would just probably piss me off. Good luck!