SO that has depression

How do you deal with it? no matter how I deal with him, I didn't do what he needed. Yes he is on medication. I feel like sometimes he uses it as an excuse to be an smurf or to drink or whatever stupid thing he does. I'm sure this seems callous, but he has made a lot bad decisions.

Ah, my SO is the same way.. made stupid decisions too.
If he gets to the point where I just can't handle it I just let him have his time alone.

Not like, when he's crying. If he's crying then I'll hold him and make him feel better but if hes being a douche about it I'll let him be by himself.

This is what I do with DH as well.

I'm quite severely depressed just now, but a single parent struggling to get through each day. If i had a partner i wouldn't really expect them to do anything different, but i wouldn't explain them to complain or put any pressure on me about how much i'm struggling with everything. if i could i wouldn't get out of bed, but i'm the only parent so i still have to do everything all the time and that is probably a good thing to some extent. I don't drink or do drugs so i can't answer anything about that. I would appreciate having a partner talk and listen to me sometimes, and to ask if there is anything they could do to help. Other than that it would be life as normal.

What specifically is the problem?

Quoting Mama*AtoZ:" I'm quite severely depressed just now, but a single parent struggling to get through each day. If i had ... [snip!] ... ask if there is anything they could do to help. Other than that it would be life as normal. What specifically is the problem?"

I'm just frustrated that this has gone on for a long time and he doesn't make any friends, so its all put on me. He constantly blames other circumstances/people for things he did wrong. He has this woah is me attitude and its just frustrating. I came back to my parents house so we are apart now, but when I was home, he would get home from work, drink beer play video games. on the weekends, nap, sleep in really late drink beer. And he didn't spend anytime with our daughter.

Quoting ilovemymeep:" I'm just frustrated that this has gone on for a long time and he doesn't make any friends, so its all ... [snip!] ... beer play video games. on the weekends, nap, sleep in really late drink beer. And he didn't spend anytime with our daughter."

Why does he need to make friends? Have you ever had bad depression to understand how it feels? I think that would be the only way to really understand him, i imagine it would be very hard to understand if you hadn't experienced it. It's like your brain does not work properly, normal things do not even occur to you or cross your mind at all. It's hard to find the words to even open your mouth to speak to anyone, it's hard to follow a conversation or really take in what anyone says to you. It can make you very self conscious so you don't want to be around people as it makes you feel terrible and you know you suck at interacting. Everything is exhausting and feels like an impossible task. Just knowing you have to wake up and live another day sucks so bad it hurts. It's like you're on a treadmill and you just can't keep up. Or you're treading in a pool and slipping under. It's exhausting and painful and there's no way out. So the only way to make it feel any better is to escape, something like alcohol or losing yourself in computer games are perfect examples of that. It's not like you drink or play games for fun, it's not being lazy, it's the only way to try and numb the pain and escape reality just so you don't kill yourself.

For me personally i only get through because i am home alone and my child needs me. I have to write lists of things to do to make sure i do them. I have to set daily goals to make sure i don't let things slide. I have to look at my child's needs objectively and constantly critique myself to make sure i am meeting his needs and not letting my mental health affect him too badly. I'm struggling through a nervous breakdown after fleeing domestic violence and my child and i being sexually abused, i have PTSD and anxiety aswel and if i had the chance i would just play computer games and drink all the time too. But i have had depression in the past without 'reasons' like what i'm facing just now, so i understand it can come from 'nothing' and just chemical imbalances.

Other things that have helped are specific Bach Remedies, it took about a month to kick in and cost $8. There are supplements that can help too, some better than drugs. Having enough Omega 3 oil can help your brain to function better too so i'd definitely recommend them. Could you ask him if it would be ok to help him write a little list of things to stick too? just make sure you don't pressure him if he doesn't keep it up all the time, as more feeling of failure makes it all harder. Could you also explain to him your daughters basic needs for having a father/good parenting interaction. And say that even if he feels like smurf, it's not fair to damage her development. Say that you will support him to be able to have a positive input into her development even though he's struggling, so that he won't feel guilty long term. Set a time to take her over to play with him, set certain activities or games up for them so that it's easier for him to do and facilitate the play. It's really important that he maintains a relationship with her, even if the rest of the time he's a mess. He can't just give up and be a deadbeat ya know? if he gets better then he'd regret it, and it would affect your daughter. He will thank you in the long run if you make him do things with her now. I really wish i had someone to help me do all those things, i think when you're very ill with depression it's the only thing that would really help in a parenting situation. He just has to keep going each day and make sure he doesn't let the most important things slide.

Quoting Mama*AtoZ:" Why does he need to make friends? Have you ever had bad depression to understand how it feels? I think ... [snip!] ... help in a parenting situation. He just has to keep going each day and make sure he doesn't let the most important things slide."

I want him to make friends so im not his only support. I think I could deal with him better when he doesn't drink, because he just gets stupid. He tends to get defensive when I tell him to spend more time with our daughter. So if I say anything to him it turns into what I didn't do. I have pretty much no expectations when it comes to our relationship. I feel like I am only with him to keep himself from doing stupid things and I don't like that

Quoting ilovemymeep:" I want him to make friends so im not his only support. I think I could deal with him better when he ... [snip!] ... it comes to our relationship. I feel like I am only with him to keep himself from doing stupid things and I don't like that"

Rather than telling him or saying anything with judgemental or blaming language, you could try talking about your daughters needs. Then explain what would be good for her. So instead of "you never play with her", you would say "It's really important for her self esteem and relationship with you to be able to do XYZ (i didn't notice how old she is). I know you are feeling awful, but is there a time or way you could do XZY with her to help her with that, so she is still getting what she needs?"

He won't get support from strangers. Does he want to get better? Does he go to therapy?

It's perfectly acceptable to tell him you don't feel safe or comfortable around him when he's drinking because he does 'insert inappropriate things', but that you will be there when he is sober.

How long has he been like this?
Can you ask him if he wants to be with you or continue being in his child's life, or if he just doesn't want to anymore?

Quoting Mama*AtoZ:" Rather than telling him or saying anything with judgemental or blaming language, you could try talking ... [snip!] ... this? Can you ask him if he wants to be with you or continue being in his child's life, or if he just doesn't want to anymore?"

He claims he wants to be with me. I have given him the option to leave if he wants to. Our daughter is 3 1/2 and he has had issues all of his life with this I believe, but I noticed the behavior when I was pregnant with her. We also recently found out (in November) that I am pregnant again and we are both stressed out. I did tell him he didn't have to be with me just because of the pregnancy, so im not putting any relationship pressure on him. but im sure he can tell I don't enjoy being around him

Quoting ilovemymeep:" He claims he wants to be with me. I have given him the option to leave if he wants to. Our daughter ... [snip!] ... of the pregnancy, so im not putting any relationship pressure on him. but im sure he can tell I don't enjoy being around him"

Could you go to couples therapy?

I'm alone so i don't know how it would work in a relationship with a child, i can't advise much on that. I had depression in a relationship before i had my son, but being childless it was totally different.

Regardless of whether you stay together or not i'd set up times for him to spend time with his daughter and facilitate their playing. Just for her sake you need to try and maintain a relationship there and some kind of positive input with him. Even if it's just a couple of times a week. If he's such a bad example to her at home then either he needs to curb his behaviour infront of her at the least, or you need to stay away from him and continue to provide a happy environment for yourself and your daughter, and just stick to short visits to him until he makes some sort of commitment or change. It's not fair on you or your DD to be around someone dysfunctional all the time.

Quoting Mama*AtoZ:" Could you go to couples therapy? I'm alone so i don't know how it would work in a relationship with ... [snip!] ... he makes some sort of commitment or change. It's not fair on you or your DD to be around someone dysfunctional all the time. "

its coming to that time where if he cant function as a father figure, we aren't going to work, so its kind of a waiting game as of now

Couples counseling when a partner (or partners) have depression can be extremely helpful. It helps you understand where the other person is coming from and they can also give you ways how you can support the other person without being judgmental.