Some Nights

I think I just need to vent about things, I've talked to many people but sometimes I don't find the closure I want or even need.

Lately my SO and I have have talked about having a baby and TTC, and I am on board 110% but the past few day I have looked up into the sky and just remember my little angel who is up there and my papa and my grandmother. I wonder to myself why were they taken away from me. My papa passed away when I was only 6 years old, I don't remember much I did with him only the fact he was a big man and he would lay on the couch and I would come up behind him and he pull me and I would flip down him. I used to scream loudly when I was a little girl (dont know why I did I just did) and he had this little black box and it was a high pitch "screamer" they would call it and everytime I did scream he pull it out, hurt my ears, but he got me to stop screaming. The most painful memory I have of him was after he had passed away I was at his service and it was open casket and me being 6 yearr old I touched him one last time, I still remember how he feels to this day, I am now 21 be 22 in Feb, he was cold pale and hard. I now have a tattoo on back for him, to remind me he is always looking over my shoulder.

My grandmother passed away when I was about 16-17 years old. Last time I saw her was thanksgiving when I was 16 she was small pale and look like she was about to snap in half. She didn't make it to the next thanksgiving not even my birthday. I wasn't able to say good bye to her or even be there when her ashes were spred, I still dont have any closure with her and it been many years.

My little angel, found out in March of 2009, just turned 18, senior in high school. It was a day after my missed period my best friend and our 2 boyfriends at the time, all went out to go paintballing. Her and I weren't in to mood to do it, I was feeling a little sick and my boobs were hurting real bad and I told her what I was feeling, she asked me when I was due for my AF, I told her yesterday, (minded I never been late ever) she stated that when she was preggo she had the same signs. I never thought I could be cause the night the baby was concived the condom broke and I took Plan B like 20 mins later. So we told the Boys that we are going to the the 99 cent store to buy a test, but didnt tell the guys, but my boyfriend knew. So we took the test at the store and waited. I took a look at it and didn't see a line casue it was so faint, my friend looked and said no it a +. I started balling, not because I was having a baby. The fact me and the bf talked about what we were going to do. I am pro-life and so is he. But I was 18 still in school he was 21 and in between jobs at the time. SO fast forward. I havent told anyone that I was expecting not even my parents, worried that they will kick me out cause I was legally an adult. I only told my best friend what I was thinking and she talked to me and help me convince to keep the baby, I told the bf and he wanted it too. The day after we were planning on telling family together, but my mom figured it out andmy dad came busting in my room and asked and I started crying. My mom came around and she made an appt with our DR. The day before my Doctors appt in April I started having this brown flaking discharge (TMI), I came on this site to see if anyone had this same problem. Alot started to say that it was a start of M/C. Luckly my DR appt was the next day and they can tell me everything is fine. When the day finally came and they said yes I was, they did an ultrasound to see how far I was and how the baby was doing due to the discharge I was having. I looked at the screen and saw no heartbeat, I asked wasn't there supposed to be a heartbeating and movement, the tech said depending how far you are. So she did the mesurements, put me 8 weeks and 3 days, I then knew I was supposed to have a heartbeat. She stepped out and got the DR and did another ultrasound and then confirmed that I lost the baby, then my mother and I broke down in tears. He asked if I wanted a D&C or natual. Since I had things done to my cervix about 4 months before I went with the natual, but with pills to start the contractions. I got home and just cried myself to sleep said good bye to my jelly bean. Then the pain started, I started bleeding, clotts passed, and in one I saw a little white seed thing. I knew what it was....my worst nightmare.

To this day I think about the people I lost, my child, my papa, my grandmother. My child would of just turned 3 in NOV or DEC. It better than it was before but still hurts no matter what.

Thanks for reading, I just needed a little vent, being up alone all night, makes your mind wonder in places you wish doesn't.