getting nervous *long kind of a vent*

I am due with our 3rd the 19 this month. I have a history of preterm babies and I am already dilated to a 3 and 80%effaced so baby is expected any day now. I am so excited to meet my baby boy but at the same time I almost feel like I am getting cold feet.
On dec 15th my mother in law passed away. She was really close to me, closer than my own mother. She has been there for my 2 previous births and I don't want to do this without her. I wanted her to meet this baby before she left us. I am just heartbroken that she's gone, I miss her and it just isn't fair that she got Lou Gehrig's disease. I am angry that this disease destroyed her life and stole her away from us.
Then on top of that I am scared that this baby could have a genetic disease that my DD has. Nobody will know until baby is born. The disease is called Hirschsprung's disease. There is no physical indication, no blood test, the only way we will know is if he doesn't poop, then he will have to be taken to surgery. I am terrified of this happening again. DD almost died and spent 2 months in the hospital and much of her first year in and out. She has had multiple surgeries and hospitalizations. She has been in pain, sick and miserable for much of her life. It's been the hardest thing I have ever had to watch. How could I put another baby through that? What was I thinking? DD now is better but it's still a constant battle and she is fed by a feeding tube. Then on top all that I feel guilty like I shouldn't have added a baby when DD needs so much care. She needs me, I am the only that can care for her. All the ER trips, doc appts, trips to specialists are all things she needs and I do it ALL.
Maybe I am just overwhelmed. I just miss my mother in law so damn much, am scared this baby will be in the NICU. I just don't know....... thanks for listening.

Oh my! You have a lot on your plate, and no time to grieve, no time to take enough time for just you, it sounds like. Do you have any local groups you could join such as Le Leche League? I know the online forums help, but maybe having some in-person support would really boost you, plus you could make some mom friends to lean on and have fun with.

Quoting suzyq463:" Oh my! You have a lot on your plate, and no time to grieve, no time to take enough time for just you, ... [snip!] ... maybe having some in-person support would really boost you, plus you could make some mom friends to lean on and have fun with."

Thanks for your reply!! I might have to check into something like that. I really don't have any time for myself. Not only am I a SAHM to 2, one with special medical needs I also homeschool both my kids. I literally have no time for anything else right now. I school, cook, clean and go to bed. Then the same thing the next day all over again. Throw on top of that all the appts, med supplies to order and keep track of, bills to pay and general errands every family has and I am just overwhelmed. I know I can do it and it will all work out, it's just been rough lately. I am just feeling kinda guilty, like my wanting another baby is going to hurt the rest of my family. And even worse what if I created a life that will be sick and suffer as my DD has. I feel so wrong for thinking like this. I want this baby, I know he will be a blessing and the whole family is excited. It's all the what ifs right now.