Breaking down. Long.

I'm finding it so hard not think about it. I have had to move back to my parents house for a bit, the place it all began, the place I fell pregnant... And it seems the past is all I can think about. For those that have seen me post before you will know that I didn't want the abortion. I had planned the baby with my ex. And as soon as I saw my baby on the ultrasound I was the happiest girl alive. Then him (my ex) and my parents told me I had to 'get rid of it', or else I would lose all of them and be on my own. I was only 15 at the time, so it's not like I could have got far on my own. It was abort and keep the people I loved, or keep the baby and be a single homeless mother with nothing and no one. He had told me a baby was what he wanted, that's what I couldn't understand the most. How could you just change your mind like that?

Anyway. I am back here in this same room where I would cry and cry every day after the abortion, 28th August 2008. I started cutting myself. Attempted suicide twice. Drank all day every day. Had unprotected sex with the subconscious hope that I would be pregnant again. Although I didn't want another baby, I wanted that baby back. I feel like I am quickly going back into that dark place where I was alone and miserable. I have been thinking of cutting myself. I know it wont help in the long run but I remember the relief I would feel when I used to do it, and that's what I need, relief from the guilt and the pain.

I also recently split with SO and really feel like I have no one. I have DD and I love her to pieces, and I thought once I had a baby the feelings would go away. But they don't. They are still there eating me alive and I don't have anywhere to go. I am trapped in my own head, I can't sleep, I can't eat. I have nightmares about it. I wouldn't try and kill myself again, for DD's sake. But it doesn't stop me wanting to.

I'm just finally realising that this is here forever, these thoughts and feelings. And I am never going to get better. No amount of counselling and antidepressants has made any difference. This is my life and I need to deal with it, no matter how much it breaks my smurfing heart.

It will get better mama. You need to seek help, to cope with it other than cutting. <3 I am sorry you are feeling this way.

Quoting Yurvette [♥]:" It will get better mama. You need to seek help, to cope with it other than cutting. <3 I am sorry you are feeling this way. "

I've just been feeling this way for so long that I don't see an end in sight, you know? I know I need to seek more professional help, but I can't even get through talking about it without crying and having a panic attack, and I've taught my body not to talk about it, I literally become lost for words when people ask me about it so that I don't freak out. I can write it down, that's about it. And thanks.

Quoting Ellie Shikari:" I've just been feeling this way for so long that I don't see an end in sight, you know? I know I need ... [snip!] ... become lost for words when people ask me about it so that I don't freak out. I can write it down, that's about it. And thanks."

You need to talk about it. You need to write about it. I KNOW how it feels. I placed a baby and now I want him back.. so I know how you feel. It has helped me to write it out. To type it on my computer. I also had an abortionwith a planned baby. While it doesnt affect me like the adoption does, there is a ting of heartache sometimes.

Quoting Yurvette [♥]:" You need to talk about it. You need to write about it. I KNOW how it feels. I placed a baby and now ... [snip!] ... had an abortionwith a planned baby. While it doesnt affect me like the adoption does, there is a ting of heartache sometimes. "

I know you are right. I'm just afraid. I've written it on here a couple of times, which felt good, but only at the time. I guess I should at least try and speak to someone professional, if I don't try then I'll never know... Sorry for what you are feeling too. You have commented on some of my posts in this forum before actually and been very kind, so thank you.

Quoting Ellie Shikari:" I know you are right. I'm just afraid. I've written it on here a couple of times, which felt good, but ... [snip!] ... you are feeling too. You have commented on some of my posts in this forum before actually and been very kind, so thank you."

You are very welcome. It will help. If it has helped me some then I am so sure that it will help you.   Feel free to PM me anytime you want.

Quoting Ellie Shikari:" I'm finding it so hard not think about it. I have had to move back to my parents house for a bit, the ... [snip!] ... has made any difference. This is my life and I need to deal with it, no matter how much it breaks my smurfing heart."

Thank you for opening up and sharing your true feelings. Your honesty and heartache may help another mother not to be bullied into a decision they really dont want to make.
I pray you find peace

can you seek psychological help? that's what I'm doing, will start mid this month. counseling can only help to get stuff off of your chest, but they can't give you guidance or advice. I NEED that, so am going for the MHT. ask your GP for a referral to psychology services. I think they are called IAPT? they will assess you and then put you to the appropriate service they think you need. I can give you heads up on how I get along if you like, as I've already had my assessment.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much this far on. it sounds like you have not allowed yourself to grieve. I have been told by close friends and family, including my sister who is actually a psychologist, and my husband, that I am not helping myself to get over it by putting on a brave face and ot letting all the pain and anger out. it's easier said than done though! especially when you have children, its hard to just indulge in being as grumpy and as tearful as you feel, you feel like you have to be strong for your kids. this is what I am hoping to get help with. facing my anger and sadness and grief rather than burying it; but in a way that won't affect my kids.

good luck getting the help you need xx

Words can't express how sorry I am. I've never been in your shoes so I can't speak from experience, but from one mother to another, I pray you find peace. I can't imagine dealing with something like that. I think it would be a good idea to seek professional help. If it's easier for you to write than talk about it I would suggest getting a journal and writing down all your deep feelings. Sometimes a pen and paper can make you feel like a weight has been lifted. Once again I'm so sorry.

Quoting pixie b:" can you seek psychological help? that's what I'm doing, will start mid this month. counseling can only ... [snip!] ... and sadness and grief rather than burying it; but in a way that won't affect my kids. good luck getting the help you need xx"

Thank you. And yeah, I tried to ask my doctor today if she can refer me to anyone and all she did was change my medication and said come back in a month if things haven't changed -_____-' x

Quoting Ellie Shikari:" Thank you. And yeah, I tried to ask my doctor today if she can refer me to anyone and all she did was change my medication and said come back in a month if things haven't changed -_____-' x"

aww how frustrating, they can be like that sometimes... at times you have to be very assertive (or "pushy", even!) to get what you want out of docs *facepalm* i'm sorry she was not helpful!

you could either try again with her and insist that she refers you; or you could try to self-refer...search online for the number for your crisis team in your NHS area and give them a call, or get a referral through your health visitor. you have a child under age 5 don't you? so you should still have a health visitor... i often find my health visitor more useful with things like this than my GP or locum x

Quoting pixie b:" aww how frustrating, they can be like that sometimes... at times you have to be very assertive (or "pushy", ... [snip!] ... should still have a health visitor... i often find my health visitor more useful with things like this than my GP or locum x"

I didn't think I could ask my health visitor about things to do with me, I assumed it was all baby related aha, so I'll mention it to her   thanks x

Quoting Ellie Shikari:" I didn't think I could ask my health visitor about things to do with me, I assumed it was all baby related aha, so I'll mention it to her   thanks x"

yeah sure they do! I bet many people think the same! They are there to deal with PND and stuff like that, but anything for mothers of older preschoolers too. After baby turns 1 you hardly ever see them anymore do you; but since all this shiz last year coz of me being psychotic and suicidal last year I have now been put back on monthly visits, even though my YOUNGEST is 3 years old!!! she doesn't really do any updates with him anymore lol. (he goes to preschool now though so most of his development is logged by them) she comes just for me.... in fact she's due here tomorrow. She's helped me a lot with putting me through to crisis teams and MHT and stuff. More than at my GP surgery x