Sharing my story.

Hi everyone. I just came across this site because my older sister is expecting and is posting her pregnancy ticker on her Facebook page. Haha. I get a little twinge of jealousy and remorse every week when it updates. I have 1 DD, she was born 2-9-07 and is almost 6 years old. She is wonderful, but her father is certainly not. I split with him a little less than a year after DD was born, due to the physical and emotional abuse.

I stayed single for years. From '08-'11 and finally started dating a guy that I had had feelings for for years.   It was (and still is) great. I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks along. I was about to graduate with my Associate degree in Arts from a community college and knew I was transferring to a very good university to finish my Bachelor's degree. I knew instantly that I wanted an abortion. I scheduled it and my sister (the one who is currently expecting) went with me and I found out I was too early for the surgical abortion (which is what I wanted). I was so angry, I wanted it done instantly. I had to wait another week. I did not tell my boyfriend, nor did I tell anyone else other than my sister (and that was only a few days before we went to the appointment). It was really difficult dealing with all of these feelings and knowing you have something growing inside of you and no one knows it but you. It made it so much worse.

Finally, my appt came around and I had told my mom because I would rather her be there than my sister. She was accepting but asked me a few times if I was sure that this is what I wanted to do. I said yes, but deep down I knew I felt something, but wasn't sure what.

The procedure was really painful. It caused cramping and hot flashes. It was quick, but very painful. I believe I was around 7-8 weeks at the time. My baby was due Sept 11, 2012. I did ask for an ultrasound picture and it was just a little bean.

After the abortion, I was in a lot of pain (I didn't take anything for pain, not even a Tylenol or Ibuprofen), so I laid around at my mom's house for the remainder of the day. I went home and my friend and her husband (my boyfriend's twin brother) were both there. It made me so angry that they were all so happy and I just had something sucked out of me. But, I couldn't blame them, as they didn't know.

I have been in a depression ever since. I fessed up and told my boyfriend what happened and he made me feel even worse. He obviously did not want me to abort. It has been almost a year now and while the due date was really bad (especially considering the anniversary of Sept 11th brings up emotions for me, too), I am starting to comes to terms with it. I am very fearful that because of the one abortion and 2 IUDs I have had since (Mirena caused cysts and I now happily have Paragard), are going to inhibit my chances of conception in the future.   I wish I would have kept my baby, but I was worried about the future of my daughter and myself, considering I would have delivered at the beginning of my first semester at my university.

Me and my fiance (feels weird saying it) have gotten through it, as best as we could, but I think about it every single day. Throughout my healing process, I still pick names out for my future child. I still wonder if it would have been a boy or a girl, what color eyes he/she would have had. Things like that. It has been really difficult and I am one of those people who always said I did not want any kids (and when I did have a kid, it was "I will never have another kid."), now all I can think about is the future and having another baby. It's weird how that happens. Thanks for listening (reading).

Welcome to BG   Not judging, but I can understand why your SO would be upset that you didnt talk to him about it before you made the decision. Its good that you guys can move forward though and work through it. As for how your feeling, I think it is pretty normal. I have never had an abortion, but a couple of my friends have and I saw them both go through a similar experience. Honestly time was the only thing that helped for them both. Good luck with everything, and I hope it gets easier for you soon.

I hope the best for you in the future 

I told my boyfriend that i miscarried because i was too scared to tell him the truth. it was terrible when he did find out because word got to him before i could tell him myself. he made me feel like the worse person. and some days even tho our daughter was born a month ago that i dont feel like he will ever forgive me so im glad you and your SO could come to terms with it