how would you react?

My mom has been dating this guy for the passed 6 years. He is in his late 60s early 70s I cannot remember...
Anyway....Starting in December he always gets super weird and distant. He lost his wife around this time 15 years ago to cancer.
He pushes my mom away and completely treats her like she doesn't even matter every single year. It's really starting to wear thin with her, she gets that it's sad he lost his wife but it was 15 years ago...and she feels like he shouldn't keep letting it affect their current relationship as much as it has/does.

what would you do if you were in the same situation with a guy?

My mom is just upset, she can never do anything with him the entire month. She cannot celebrate the holidays with him because of this every single year and he just doesn't see an issue with it. I'm just on the fence...sooo yeah.

Talk to him about it and try to get him to see a grief counselor. If that doesn't work I would move on.

eh I get depressed every year around the holidays since my grandma died and that has been almost 14 years. If she doesn't want to be with him then don't but she shouldn't try to make him change his feelings. Every deals with death a different way.

Perhaps counseling both separate and as a couple would help. It sounds as though her death really ruined the holidays for him, and he isn't past it.

Quoting Glo♥:" Talk to him about it and try to get him to see a grief counselor. If that doesn't work I would move on."

I guess he has seen one but he didn't care for it. My mom just feels like it really puts a strain on their relationship because of how he acts. He has random spurts through out the year too but they aren't as bad, my mom just doesn't get why he wants their relationship so badly but he clearly is not over his wife.
She said she hates to say it but she really hates "competing" with someone who isn't around anymore.

she doesn't want to sound insensitive to the situation but, she says she cannot go on the rest of her life in this relationship if he obsesses this much over it still.

I agree with everyone else. It may be hard for her to understand. Idk how I would be if I lost my SO. It would be hard to date. You can't just get over a death like you would a divorce. I've never had to do that with a SO but I would imagine its hard. I'm sure it's hard on her but she needs to understand where r's coming from. Maybe counseling would help because he can learn to grieve and she can understand why he grieves the way he does. I doubt it's anything to do with her. So tell her not to take it personally. My friends mom died and I know when her dad remarried they were great about remembering his late wife. There were still family pics up with her in them as she was still part of the family and she never made her husband push her into a box and pretend she never existed. He still even has a lot of her stuff. But now that the kids are grown he has started getting to a point to be able to go through her stuff and give it away to them (it's probably been 18 yrs).

People handle death differently. If I were your mom I would not try to get him to stop feeling this way around the holidays. My dads parents passed away 22 years ago this February and he still gets very somber and upset for the entire 2 weeks around the anniversary.
You don't seem to know a whole lot about the situation of his wife's passing. Maybe instead of trying to get him to stop and just participate for your mom, talk tohim shot his wife. How she died (type of cancer), what he misses abou her, what kind of traditions they had and if he would like to start doing them with you guys. Maybe suggest making a contribution to a foundation for his wife's condition or participating in a fundraiser of some sort around the holidays for it so he feels more like he's doing something to fight the disease instead of just missing his wife and feeling helpless. Kwim?

<blockquote><b>Quoting InkDMomma:</b>" she doesn't want to sound insensitive to the situation but, she says she cannot go on the rest of her life in this relationship if he obsesses this much over it still."</blockquote>




That's sad and just not right. Has she talked to him about it? Asked him to see a therapist? Maybe couples therapy will help.

I kind of am in the same situation.

My husband lost his father around my birthday. I want to say my FIL (Who I never met) passed away on June 3rd, and my birthday is June 2nd.

He has been deceased for 6 years (This upcoming June). DH always becomes distant and depressed around my birthday. As crazy as it drives me sometimes, I have to remember the significance of the time frame.

Quoting lolajessup:" I agree with everyone else. It may be hard for her to understand. Idk how I would be if I lost my SO. ... [snip!] ... he has started getting to a point to be able to go through her stuff and give it away to them (it's probably been 18 yrs)."

she doesn't try and make him forget her. She is fine with her pictures and everything to do with her, but he just shoves my mom aside the entire month and quite a few times through out the year because of how he gets.

My mom even has tried to end the relationship because of how he is and she says obviously you aren't over her yet, so just go take time and he FLIPS out and begs and begs and begs for her to stay with him.

Studies were done and the brain just has certain times of the year that causes depression for some people. Especially if someone lost someone around that time or had a divorce. I wonder if I can find the article I seen.

<blockquote><b>Quoting InkDMomma:</b>" she doesn't try and make him forget her. She is fine with her pictures and everything to do with her, ... [snip!] ... obviously you aren't over her yet, so just go take time and he FLIPS out and begs and begs and begs for her to stay with him."</blockquote>

That's depression though. If she wants to be with him then she needs to help him get help for his depression. A lot of people get depressed around the holidays anyway because of lack of sunlight, and missing people, etc.

SO doesn't like Christmas because his dad died... 10 years ago.

I told him to move on because he has a family that enjoys Christmas and it was a long time ago. I don't expect him to forget or not grieve but come on, it was 10 years ago. I don't accept his poor behaviour for that reason.

I mean... she has asked him to get help and he thinks he's fine. I mean I know they aren't alike but it's like being with an addict... if they don't want to help themselves what can you do??

I feel bad for him losing his wife but it's been 15 years... you cannot make your new relationships hurt because of it. If you aren't over her then work on that THEN work on getting a relationship