Just when it seems to get easier.

Last night, I was having flashbacks.
I still remember when my doctor told me I was pregnant. I was sixteen. I was on the pill. The guy I was with made me promise if he got me pregnant, I'd get an abortion. He swore if I didn't, he would find a way to make me lose the baby - even if it meant my parents finding me on the side of the road in trash bags.
I remember going to the clinic. November 8, 2007. I had the first appointment of the day. I refused to go pee because I wanted to run out of there. My dad was with me, he was the only one besides my boyfriend at the time and best friend who knew I was pregnant. I was ashamed to tell my mom. So ashamed.
I had a girl sit next to me, she couldn't have been any older than 18. She was there for the same thing. She held me and told me that I was making the best decision. She told me how she already had one child and couldn't take care of a second and how hard it was for her.
I asked for the ultrasound pictures. I still have them to this day.
They sent me back. They started my IV. They told me I wouldn't remember a thing. My head was so fuzzy, I didn't even realize it started or that it was over. I remember my nurse being so pissed off at me for "not listening" to her.
Here I was back in the recovery room. Same recovery room where they had set my IV. I am sitting there numb. There are girls around me crying, nurses asking if I wanted birth control inserted that day. I just sat there.
The next few days, I had to confess to my mom what happened and had to explain why I couldn't stay far away from town. The guy I was with went off the deep end with me and I ended up overdosing on Xanax because I couldn't take the guilt.

The first year was the worst. My friend from high school had a baby who would have been three months older than my child. I looked after him a lot. He was the sweetest baby, loved me to death. Sometimes, I think I was more of a parent to him than his own were.
The second year things died down. I was pregnant with my son and it hit the first week of November. My BD's parents refused to have anything to do with my grief and swore I was depressed and I needed medication. My OB said I was just fine. My mom finally told me the one thing that stuck. I saved two lives that day.
The third year, I finally had the guts to talk to my ex about what he made me go through. I had my baby boy. BD would see our child and say, "I'm surprised your mom hasn't killed you like she has her other children." I already had PPD. The ex, on the otherhand, finally admitted to me that he thinks about it. He finally confided in his father and told him what happened. He apologized to me for making me go through it and saw I was still dealing with it. Sorry isn't enough for that, though.
By year four and five, I'd remember the date, but I didn't think much of it. It was just another day. I would listen to that damn Ben Folds' song Brick for a few hours but that was all.

Last night, it all came back, like a flood. My DH was in the other room and I was in our room listening to music. I started panicking. I couldn't tell if it was the cold making me shake or my nerves. He came back in, never having seen me in a complete panic mode, and just held me. For the first time in my life I had had someone who was there. Not to tell me to get over it, but to listen.
I thank God for him.

Sorry about the length of this, I just really needed to get it off my chest.
I see now on here that there are some women who actually not wanted the abortion but have done it. When I was on here when I was pregnant with my son, it wasn't exactly like that. Plus, the only person who can relate is my best friend who went through the same thing I did but a year later. Between the both of us, she got the short end of the stick. I hate talking to her about it as much as we relate because she is still trying to get over the fact that it happened, and she now has to deal with it every day.

Sigh. Once again, sorry for the length.

This breaks my heart...
you will be in my prayers.
Thank you for sharing

Thank you, Mama.

thankyou for sharing, it does give me hope that the second year is easier and by year 4 or 5 it is not blighting every thought anymore!

so sorry that you had flashbacks though, but glad you have someone who loves you who's there for you now <3

take care of yourself x x x x