re: I don't want it

Quoting Amber; ღ:" I guess it also depends on how the relationship is with your BD. My BD and I were only officially dating ... [snip!] ... before I got pregnant. There was no way in hell I was going to do something I didn't want to do for a man that I barely knew."

Yeah well I'm really speaking in general here. Of course every situation is different.

Quoting Jas ♥:" The man should what?"

Be fully prepared to take care of a kid if he happens to get someone pregnant.

I do understand what you're saying though, I really do. It just makes its really complicated because soooooooooo many 'fathers' would be giving up their rights to not have to pay CS and there's so many different scenarios. I mean a man could say he wanted the baby through out the whole pregnancy and freaks when the baby is born and then wants nothing to do with the baby and gives up his rights to not pay CS. How smurfed would that be?!

If you don't want an abortion, stand your ground. Tell him you're keeping the baby with or without his support as others have recommended.
I was in your situation with the baby I'm having now. My fiance really really pushed an abortion until I told him at 11 weeks it wasn't gonna happen.
After the 14 week ultrasound where we found out gender and really got to see baby he did an about face. Talks to and kisses my belly.
Of course this doesn't mean that's the way your SO will end up reacting, but time for sure may help.
I understand from reading your previous post that he already has a child and doesn't want another, but he should have been more proactive in preventing pregnancy then. It's not just on the woman not to get pregnant, IMO.
Best of luck.

Quoting Amber; ღ:" Be fully prepared to take care of a kid if he happens to get someone pregnant. I do understand what ... [snip!] ... the baby is born and then wants nothing to do with the baby and gives up his rights to not pay CS. How smurfed would that be?!"

Meh. I would never want to force someone to father my child. I'd rather them not be there. Then again, I wouldn't bring a child into this world knowing that I couldn't take care of it alone, if need be. I'd abort. A dude not wanting a child doesn't make him any less of a man. He should have that right, just like women do.

If a dude doesn't want to pay CS then *shrug*. He doesn't deserve to be in the child's life then. Like I said earlier, giving up your rights doesn't always exempt someone from paying CS. There are plenty of dad's out there that are paying CS for children they do not have rights to.

And I don't understand why anyone is assuming that he didn't take the precautions necessary to avoid pregnancy. He could have used a condom. We all know BC is not 100%. So yes, he could have been proactive about preventing a pregnancy but he should still be forced to parent and financially provide when the girl has options? So fair.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Jas ♥:</b>" And a woman should be fully prepared for that. When she decides to have sex, she is not the only one ... [snip!] ... it, she should make sure she will be able to take care of it on her own because you never know what cards life will deal you."</blockquote>



I agree I'm not gonna let a guy take care of himself and then he dnt and gets me pregnant then tell him pay child support I should have been. On birthcontrol I wont force him to be around I would tell him if he dnt want to pay child support dnt but dnt expect to see the kid or try to be in its life and ur signing over any freaking rights and send him to hell its better less drama no sharing on weekends no holiday splitting or having to get permission to travel but I also feel like what a coward leaving me with all the responsibilities not fair but I guess id perfer the kicking him outta our lives cuz I wouldn't want him to disappoint my child for having a dad like that that wished him or her to get killed or given away

A guy that doesn't want to be a father, and is forced into it is often a worse father than a man who gives his rights up so a father figure could step in later down the line.
Don't force anything on this guy just like you don't want him to force an abortion on you. If you don't want the abortion and he doesn't want to be a father, make it clear to him that you don't expect him to be in the baby's life, then.

Quoting Jas ♥:" Meh. I would never want to force someone to father my child. I'd rather them not be there. Then again, ... [snip!] ... preventing a pregnancy but he should still be forced to parent and financially provide when the girl has options? So fair."

I agree with you. Had my fiance left me because I refused to abort I would have moved on and taken care of our daughter without him because I know I have the means to do that in this point at my life. When I found myself facing an unwanted pregnancy alone at 18, I chose to abort and have absolutely no regrets.
Is having to pay CS even though you've signed your rights away a state by state thing? My sister's dad signed away his rights and my sister was adopted by my step dad. My sister's biological dad still had to pay any back child support owed, but none after that. The states involved were California and Arizona in that case.

Quoting Two Princesses:" I agree with you. Had my fiance left me because I refused to abort I would have moved on and taken ... [snip!] ... had to pay any back child support owed, but none after that. The states involved were California and Arizona in that case."

I don't think there's any state where they can be ordered to pay support AFTER someone else has adopted the child. As my lawyer explained to me, when DH adopts my son, it will be as though he was born to the two of us.

Back support, however, would have accrued before the adoption so that's a different story. I know with my father, my mom signed off on his back support or something because he owed thousands and she knew she was never going to see it. He asked her to because he couldn't get a license or anything so she did.

Quoting Lizplustwo:" I don't think there's any state where they can be ordered to pay support AFTER someone else has adopted ... [snip!] ... thousands and she knew she was never going to see it. He asked her to because he couldn't get a license or anything so she did."

Oh that makes sense. He may have only gotten off the hook because my step dad was totally willing to step up. I do remember a judge telling my step dad "When I finalize this ruling, you will be legally responsible for this child, even if you and her mother divorce."
or something along those lines (II was 13 or 14 at the time)
My mom made him pay the back support because she knew he could I guess and eventually he did. My sister is far better off IMO.

<blockquote><b>Quoting ♥JoJo my luv♥:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Jas ♥:</b>" And a woman should be fully prepared for ... [snip!] ... cuz I wouldn't want him to disappoint my child for having a dad like that that wished him or her to get killed or given away"</blockquote>




You shouldn't use the word 'killed' or 'killing' when referring to abortion in a protected forum... J/s.

Thank you for all your replies. it has helped a lot. I am going to take my time making my decision. And I will be making my opinion clear to my bf.
also if he decided he didn't want to be a part of his child life he had that right. I wouldn't ask for child support. if he decided to bail that's his choice. I am fully ready to do whatever it is I need to to care for my children.

You ladies have all been so helpful.

i just made it clear to him both times that it was really really NOT what i wanted... 2nd time i pretty much begged him to "save" me. but he really dug his heels in, threatened to leave me. So i ended up having 2 abortions! We have children together though so it complicated matters. if it werent for them i would have been selfish and told him to suck it up!

your sig thing says you have one child already. if it is his, then you have to think very carefully... it's not as simple when you have existing children together to just say fcuk you i'm keeping it....! but if the existing child is not his, then i would stand firm tbh. abortions that you don't want smurf you up, trust me. i am under mental health care now and i feel smurffy every day i hate myself i hate what happened i wish i could forget. the relationship is suffering because i resent him.. we are going for marriage counselling though because i want us to get past this. i am getting my psych help too because i want to move on. i do actually think i did the right thing, but MAN it is HARD with a capital Sm**rf!

it's only worth doing if what you have to gain is really, really, worth it.... and then it's a tough road! the toughest :'(

sorry i don't want to sway your decision, my emotions and experiences are still quite raw, and probably rare as i had two abortions in just five months... neither of which i wanted to have done and the most recent one was just 4 weeks ago my head is still all over the place.... perhaps in a year i would be able to give you more objective advice!

but for now, this is all i have..... good luck xx

you can PM me if you like x

When I first got pregnant my boyfriend kept nagging me to get an abortion. He is a bit older than me and had gotten a vascetomy years ago. Well, apparently it failed. I was with no other man besides him. He tried to get inside my mind in any way to get rid of it. I knew I could never live with myself if I got rid of my baby. To me it was a mirable with his "being fixed" and I have PCOS and NEVER have my period. To me it was a blessing. I told him with or without you I am keeping this baby. I have support from family and friends. He wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and left me. He finally came to his senses and called me and left me a message. He's still in shock over it happening but he finally turned around and is now happy about it. Don't let anyone pressure you into something you do not want to do. Then you will feel the guilt and pain for the rest of your life by listening to someone else and letting them have control over you.

trust me if you get it and dont want it you have to live withy that for the rest ofyour life. i convinced myself i wanted it when i didnt and i had sever depression for the longest time

Quoting pretty 'n' pink:" the abortion I mean. my bf is pressuring me into having one and the more I think about it the more I ... [snip!] ... that I am not getting an abortion. if you have had to deal with this how did you tell him? How did you stand up for yourself?"

Well, since you posted this in the abortion SURVIVORS forum, you may not get very many people in this thread who have "manned up", as you call it. This forum is for people who have HAD one or need support/advice to deal with their abortion....