Not bonding with my 3 month old. Need help with this. (PPD)

I'll start off by saying I have PPD. I diagnosed myself with it when he was about 2 months old, I then followed up with a visit to the Dr. and she confirmed it for me. I was in denial about it at first. I knew something wasn't right, and ppd was always in the back of my mind, but I didn't want to have it, so I kept telling myself it was just the "baby blues" and it would get better. It didn't get better. It got worse.
Right from the time he was born something was off. Even in the hospital, I didn't feel that strong urge to hold him. I did hold him, but it was because I forced myself. I didn't want to be left alone with him, and relied a lot on my family to help care for him when he first came home. I felt awful about this, like a failure. While I care for him myself now, I still feel like a failure. Like no matter what I do, I'm not giving him what he needs from a Mother.
His cry goes right through me. It even makes me angry. Of course I don't act on the anger, but I still feel terrible that I'm angry in the first place. Getting up at night to feed him is like torture to me. When my Husband is home, I pretty much leave LO's care up to him. I justify it by saying "I have him all the time, this is my break." But why do I want a break from my baby?
He's beautiful, and I see it every day. He has such a personality and everyone falls in love with him soon after meeting him. But when I look at him, that's all I see. Cute. I don't feel the Mother - Son bond that is supposed to be there.
My Dr. prescribed me lexapro. At first I thought it was helping a little, but after a short period of time, it stopped working. I went back to the Dr. this week and told her I needed something different. She prescribed me Effexor. I haven't started it yet, but I plan on it tomorrow. It has some uncomfortable side effects, and that always scares me. Nothing dangerous, but def. anxiety producing. I also see a therapist once a week.
This is hurting me, SO BAD. I want to feel like his Mother, not just someone who takes care of him. He deserves better. I don't want to fake the bond anymore, I want it to be there for real. I feel like it's never going to get any better, just hopeless.

If anyone would like to share their experience with PPD, what they did to help themselves and if and how it got better...I would really appreciate it. I'm at a loss here.

I had that problem. I just kept at it. I held my baby all the time and talked to him constantly. Before I knew it and with out even realizing it I had developed a bond with him. To this day I have a better bond with him than my other two kids.

I suffered from ppd after my son. I was in denial for a long time. We were ttc for years had some losses I thought I was immuned. It's not the case. It's defiantly not something anyone chooses. I was given Zoloft but I didn't like the way it made me feel. I was open and honest with my husband and I told my doctor how I felt. It took many months for things to level out for me. I kept reminding myself that it will get better, I woukd pray about it and anytime I felt overwhelmed I asked for help. I probably should have tried the meds longer look back, but he is 2.5 years old and my whole world. Things are so much better now. I still give myself a hard time for how I felt in the begining. I had a horrible experience being induced and he woukdnt breastfeed and that really had alot to do with my ppd. I am preparing for ppd this time around and I won't wait to seek help. Your not alone though and it will get better in time. Big hugs to you.

Quoting 1inpink2inblue:" I had that problem. I just kept at it. I held my baby all the time and talked to him constantly. Before ... [snip!] ... with out even realizing it I had developed a bond with him. To this day I have a better bond with him than my other two kids."

Thank you. I've been doing that a lot. Just not seeing a bunch or change. Hoping it gets better soon! This sucks!

Quoting 2happy:" I suffered from ppd after my son. I was in denial for a long time. We were ttc for years had some losses ... [snip!] ... for ppd this time around and I won't wait to seek help. Your not alone though and it will get better in time. Big hugs to you."

Thank you so much. It's relieving to hear people say it gets better. I just can't wait for it to start happening.

You are describing my experience to the tee. I felt and did all those things as well. It was when he turned one that the bond came. It came literally overnight. It was absolutely overwhelmingly beautiful. I just sat by his crib as he slept and cried tears of joy. I beat myself up for a long time too, but now tht I look back, the lack of emotion bond was caused by my horrible complicated delivery. I did not even get to hold my son more than a few seconds the night I brought him into the world. He did the one hour of skin to skin with his father and I got to hold him late the next day for the first time.

That was my experience, mixed with PPD. Don't be too hard on yourself, it will get better once you get the proper care. You are not a bad mother, this is not something you can prevent or change on your own. Goodluck

I had PPD with some obsessive thoughts. It was awful. I would think in my mind what if I could hurt him? If I were giving him a bath, "What if I could drowned him?" (Although I was disgusted at these thoughts and would not act on them). I talked to my dr one week PP, and since I was already on Zoloft (100 mg), she bumped it up to 150 mg and thank God, that did the trick. Now he is 3 years old and he is my best friend!

Quoting .Solange.:" You are describing my experience to the tee. I felt and did all those things as well. It was when he ... [snip!] ... once you get the proper care. You are not a bad mother, this is not something you can prevent or change on your own. Goodluck"

THANK YOU!! I really appreciate the kind words and encouragement. It's good to know I'm not alone with this.

Quoting Shhhh...:" THANK YOU!! I really appreciate the kind words and encouragement. It's good to know I'm not alone with this. "

You're definately not alone! This happens unfortunately a lot. The bad thing is, some mothers are ashamed or scared of talking about it because of people's reactions or by fear of being called a bad mother. Kudos for you for taking the first step. That proves you do care about your child and want to get better for him. It is hard. I felt bad for getting angry when he would cry endlessly. I felt like he was just a baby, and that his real mother would come by soon to pick him up. It was hard trying to link the two together that this screaming, little thing was here to stay.


Needless to say, it gets better & stays better   You're very welcome btw

Idk if my experience really counts here.. my son is almost 6 weeks old. I felt everything you described to the tee, except the first week was wonderful, I loved him, I just felt like a failure because I was trying to breast feed & it was failing miserably. After the first week I just felt completely detached and completely alone in the world with this baby. I even felt like my husbands life didnt really change all that much & i was just bitter at the world. bitter that i had to take care of him, i hated the mid night feedings and would just cry all day long because i felt like a horrible mom. & i finally talked to my husband about this & got diagnosed with ppd at 4 weeks pp. after that I tried anti depressant, celexa it wasnt for me, i hated the way it felt. but ive been taking my vitamins daily & it literally did just happen over night. The overwelming love i had for him, and now just being away from him for a few hours breaks my heart, i just wanna cry from how much i love him.. you are not alone & it will be okay. you ARE NOT a bad mom. since my baby is only a month & a half idk if my experience really applies here... but i just feel like you need to hear that you are doing everything you can, it is not your fault & dont for a second think youre a failure. because ive been there...

I am sorry you are feeling this way, but perhaps it's an opportunity to dig deep down and ask what is it that's hurting you so much, something unrelated to your baby, but perhaps a deep pain from your own childhood that new motherhood is bringing to your consciousness? Medications can help to lift mood, but there is always an underlying fear, anger or hurt that accompanies depressions. Sending much love and blessings your way...

Quoting Madame Joy:" I am sorry you are feeling this way, but perhaps it's an opportunity to dig deep down and ask what is ... [snip!] ... but there is always an underlying fear, anger or hurt that accompanies depressions. Sending much love and blessings your way..."

not true