need advice.. back and forth "baby daddy"

we have been together for 9 years. have 3 kids together (7, 5 and 1) and for the past year he has been a absolute ass.

our son was born nov of '11 with a life threatening congenital heart defect. he had to have open heart surgery 10 days after birth. at his 6 week check up we found out he would need another heart cath, and after that heart cath (at 9 weeks) we found out he needed yet another OHS. his father left somewhere between when he was 6 weeks and 9 weeks, and came back after his second OHS when he was 4 months old. everything has been going good for the most part since then, untill at his 1 year check up we found out he needed another heart cath and possibly another surgery. 3 days after his birthday party, his dad decided he was going to move out again. his rationale is "he feels like he is 40" and he wont discuss it further. he is living with us till after the holidays, but doesnt come home most nights, which leads me to lie to the kids about where their dad is. i told him on monday, after he didnt come home, didnt call or text, didnt ANYTHING until 5am (when he texted me he wasnt coming home) that if he couldnt come home every night till he moved out, he might as well move out now. which i dont think is THAT much to ask-- do you? he then informs me he wont be home tonight. EDITED. i doubt were going on that vacation anymore, since i dont believe he is coming home tonight again. and hes paying for it, so i cant take the kids myself..

i really feel like not even going now. or at least not HIM going. he wants to leave fine, im not going to beg him to stay with his family like last time, but he doesnt have to make it this hard. its smurfing christmas. hes ruining it for his kids.

what the hell would you do in my situation? i really think i need to kick him out if he doesnt come home tonight, but then i dont want to do that to the kids this close to christmas either..  

I would want to kick him out. It is Christmas, but at this rate, he won't be there regardless.

Definitely kick him out. That's way too dysfunctional. wtf is he doing in the meantime anyway  

I would have kicked his ass out the first time he left. If he wasn't man enough to stay with you when you AND your son needed him then he doesn't deserve to have you guys at all. It seems like he's just using you for a place to stay right now. I'd kick his ass out and be done. Better for you and the children. They don't deserve that!

Why are you with him?

That instability for you and the children isn't healthy. Sounds like he himself is a child and can't face responsibility where it's needed, especially with a child who needs very special care.

I would leave his smurf on the curb and change the locks. Go on vacation and enjoy the time with your kids. Forget him.

Is he depressed? Maybe the stress of your sons health problems has created depression. That's how a lot of men cope with depression. I know it's not right but it sounds like that's what it is.

Quoting WV momma:" I would want to kick him out. It is Christmas, but at this rate, he won't be there regardless."

This! I also wouldn't take him with on the vacation, he'd probably just make that miserable for you and the kids as well. It seems like he just doesn't want to deal with having a sick child to me, he only wants to be around if the child is healthy and isn't in need of any surgeries. At least that is what I got from your explanation. If that is the case, the kids and you are better off without him.

I'd kick him out, definitely. I mean, he's not there anyway - might as well make it permanent. Living like that is too dysfunctional.

What is he doing with all this time away from his family anyway?

Quoting lolajessup:" Is he depressed? Maybe the stress of your sons health problems has created depression. That's how a lot of men cope with depression. I know it's not right but it sounds like that's what it is."

i think he is depressed. he denys it tho :/

Quoting K[♥ E&C]:" Why are you with him? That instability for you and the children isn't healthy. Sounds like he himself ... [snip!] ... he himself is a child and can't face responsibility where it's needed, especially with a child who needs very special care."

cuz i love him.. stupid i know.. he wasnt always like this.

as for who asked what hes doing when he leaves: he goes and gets drunk/high at his friends house..

my first question is where is he spending his nights if not at home?
i think if you answer that question, you'll have an explanation for everything, and will know exactly what to do.

it may be that he's found someone who doesn't make him "feel like he's 40"

I would definitely kick him out. That's way too dysfunctional for you and your children. He may be depressed. If that's the case he needs to get help

Quoting Ailey+Lennon+Renner's Mom:" cuz i love him.. stupid i know.. he wasnt always like this. as for who asked what hes doing when he leaves: he goes and gets drunk/high at his friends house.."

I'd leave the moment he starts spending more time doing that then he does with his children.

Quoting Ailey+Lennon+Renner's Mom:" cuz i love him.. stupid i know.. he wasnt always like this. as for who asked what hes doing when he leaves: he goes and gets drunk/high at his friends house.."

Sometimes love isn't enough when it's not about the two of you anymore.