SIDS I said goodnight not goodbye

Faye Marie was born Sept 19 2012 she was only 5.8 pounds but she was healthy and happy and beautiful. Dec 2nd me and Faye when to sleep on the couch as we often did. This was bc her daddy gets up at 5am and usually she would eat at 12am and 4/5 am so we would sleep on the couch together util he woke up and then we would go in our bed. We were just about to start putting her in her crib but we were waiting for Christmas for his parents to get us the very expensive video monitor I wanted. I was the type of mom that needed my baby in my sights at all times. At 12 30 am Dec 3rd Faye woke up for her usual feeding. So I sat with her in my left arm bottle in my right and sang her fav song to her... "whos that girl, that little baby girl, she is mommy's baby lady , mommys baby world. She fell asleep in my arms and I let her stay asleep in my arms for 30 min or so. We all know as moms if you put your baby down right away your going to be doing it all over again. When I put her down for sleep I reclined the foot rest as I always did and put her boppy pillow where she was facing the back of the couch and strapped her in bc she had just gotten big and strong enough to wiggle out. This made me feel safe there was no way she could fall and the pillow propped her head up so if she spit up there was no risk of choking. And I curled up next to her and went to sleep myself. At 5:26 am I woke up to Mike screaming "what did you do to her?!" I woke confused kind of laughing like what are you talking about are you having a new daddy moment that kind of thing. But he wasn't he woke up like he did every morning and kissed her on the forehead, when he did that he realized she was cold. All I remember is looking over at her she was sitting there exactly as I put her she looked just like he was sleeping. And as mike went to grab he out of the pillow her arm fell back limp, I should have known then but I was in denial. Idk why in a panic we thought splashing cold water on her would wake her up so we took her to the BR layed her on the floor mat in front of the tub and unzipped her onsie and tricked cold water on her tummy, and thats when I realized her chest want rising and falling. So I called 911 as mike went to get dressed. The operator told me I had to do CPR. To open her airway and blow in her mouth do compressions etc but as I went to put my finger in her mouth I could barely get it in there, her jaw was locked and he tongue was dry like sandpaper or a cats tongue. That is when I knew.. and I just started screaming at the lady and to Mike " shes dead, shes dead" at that point I was going completely batsmurf so mike had to take over CPR I gave my phone to him and the lady talked him through how to do CPR on a baby. I remember noticing what looked to me like a rash on the side of her face and I was yelling that wasnt there before. As I was yelling Faye began to make noises and for a min we both had hope. Thats when I called his mom and told her to meet us at the hospital asap EMS was in route and had been for what seemed like for ever. When they finally got there I was dialing my mom and I yelled to the 2 guys in the BR in the BR!! And thats when my mom answered and I begin explaining to her what happened. And right away the to EMS were back in my living room and I yelled " what are you doing why won't you help her??" he said "shes gone" and he mumbled it he could barley get the words out. I dropped the phone and just began screaming the kind of screams no mother ever wants to come out of her and I remember I could hear my mom even though the phone was on the floor still on the line screaming too " No Christina no no no" Everything after that is fuzzy. Me thrashing around screaming bloody murder and I remember every time I put my hand to my face that they still smelled like baby and when I said this one ems guy teared up...this was the guy blocking me from going back into the bathroom and the other guy began to tell me it was SIDS. I kept screaming and yelling asking "why" but he just said "we don't know hunny it happens more often then you think and no one knows why" I asked " Why didn't you try and save her you were supposed to save her" " He said hunny she had been gone for hrs that red mark on her face was from where the blood had pooled to the back of her body" I was asleep next to her dead for hrs. I began to get Irrate bc they weren't taking her anywhere and she was laying on the floor in my bathroom. They kept telling me were waiting for the sheirff, and then we were waiting for the investigator, and then some one else all this waiting lasted 3hrs and she was on the smurfing BR floor the whole time. Hrs went by and still this last person hadn't shown. I was screaming the whole time to please just let me hold her but they refused. All of our family had shown up by then we we all on my deck except for Mike who had to be walked around by his dad and brother, it was the only thing keeping him from fainting. I watched the sun rise over the mountain behind our house the same mountain I used to show Faye and tell her "thats your mountain babylady" it was 9 am when we left and there were still cops in my house investigators but that bitch medical examiner still hadn't showed so I don't even know how long she layed there like that and it kills me. That same bitch made me come back a day later and do a reenactment of how I put her down etc She was asking about my pregnancy and I told her I had Plecenta issues and was in the hospital at 26 weeks for a bleeding episode. She asked me so many things and all I wanted to know is what happened to my baby. But she had no answer for me only that the autopsy had been completed I could make arrangements and that it would be up to 3 months before I had my answer, they had to put all these factors together and it takes time. She was basically telling me the autopsy had shown nothing and they had to check every other possibility out before they would call it SIDS. SIDS .....means they can't tell me what happened to my child, I have not got that phone call yet but I have a feeling that is what they are going to tell me. I can't tell you how much that sucks. I would rather it be that I accidentally smothered her so at least then I could go jump off a cliff. But I did everything right and I find little comfort in that. That day I had to go home and make decisions no 22 yr old no mother NOBODY should ever have to make. I decided to creamate her even though the thought of my child burned made me even more dead inside but I thought at least I could have her forever. And now shes wrapped in her fav blanket, sometimes I put her in her crib, sometimes I still sleep with her. I still feel phantom kicks, I still wake up wondering why I haven't been woken by crying and have to tell myself all over. She would have been 3months old yesterday. I want to be sad but truthfully I am angry I had just got her to start cooing and imiateing my coos and there was sooooo much more I couldn't wait for her to achieve. My car is a sad place bc for 11 moths I would drive and dream about our life and how it would be, picture her in the backseat singing along to the radio. I want my babygirl back. I just want to stop hurting. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151324868605470&set=a.475506145469.268622.638870469&type=1&theater put this in your browser for a pic of my angel

I'm so sorry for your loss  

I'm so sorry  

I am so sorry momma. She is beautiful. I have no words, I wish I could comfort you. This makes me sad, and you are right no mother should ever have to go through this. :'(

i'm so sorry for your loss  

Oh my gosh   I'm so sorry. <3

I am so sorry you are going through this. My prayers are with you and your family in this difficult time.

No parent should EVER have to go through this, So sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry,  

I am so so sorry.  

I can't even imagine, I am so sorry. <3

My heart just hurts for you and your family. You'll be in my prayers sweetie.

I'm so sorry mama  

I am SO so so incredibly sorry for your loss.  
This absolutely breaks my heart.
I will be praying for you and your family for comfort and peace during this heart wrenching time.<3

I'm so so sorry. 

My heart hurts so bad for you. I am so , so sorry you lost your baby girl. I'm so sorry  
You and your family will be in my prayers