Wish I could just forget :(

I'm in such pain emotionally  
I was thinking about the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind last night, wishing it were real that you could have brain surgery to erase memories! I would erase most of 2012, i can't think of any other way i would feel free (other than dying!)
DH when I told him said actually in the special edition of that film; there is edited-out storyline of just the very thing I want to erase! Apparently Kirsten Dunst character got pregnant and was pressured to have an abortion and THAT's the real reason she had her memory erased! apparently they took it out of the film because it would have made it "too dark"... damn straight that'd be too dark, don't I know it!  
i WISH i could do it, i'm obsessed! i know it's possible for people to lose their memories from head injuries and if it wasnt so dodgy and unpredictable and if there weren't so many precious memories i DON'T want to lose i would seriously consider getting someone to do this to me i can't cope with it  
it's not even about the baby anymore, i don't even want to start trying when the time is right like i was promised- i wanted a baby when i had one growing in me but now i am void inside I'm not sure I want to PUT one there. So i don't understand why i am so DEPRESSED. it's draaaaaaaaaaaaining putting on a face, trying to act normally, trying to get excited for christmas   i have to force it and it tires me out.
my dark side came out a bit last night too i attacked DH a bit and when it happened she just took over. it's every time we are having sex and if I go on top, SHE takes over and it's no longer about sex for me it's about power and rage for her. She pins him down and is very aggressive. She's frighteningly strong too apparently considering how tiny I am. He was ok about it but he's worried that i refer to her more and more in the 3rd person. She isn't me though. I wouldn't try to kill myself. I wouldn't try to hurt him. I wouldn't want to cheat on him! I wouldnt smash the door up. It was her. I refuse to accept that I am she :/
I hope I don't wuss out of telling this psychologist dude tomorrow out of embarrassment or whatever... I really need the help for this I want her GONE. I want the depression GONE. I want to be able to live with the smurffy memories and not want to have bits of my brain cut out!!!

I've been following your story and I'm sorry this is all do hard for you. I'm so glad you are getting help!! You need to do your absolutely best to tell the therapist EVERYTHING you're saying here. Even bring a printed out copy of the post if iyoi don't trust yourself to be honest. I think it would be best to get some inpatient acre if that is what your doctor recommends and really treat this situation agressively. It sounds vey muh like you are having a break. Please make sure he gets all the information he needs and don't downplay the feeling and urges your having. This is serious.

Good luck to you. You're very brave for getting the help you need while you still can see that you need it.

Quoting MommaSav2:" I've been following your story and I'm sorry this is all do hard for you. I'm so glad you are getting ... [snip!] ... This is serious. Good luck to you. You're very brave for getting the help you need while you still can see that you need it."

I second this advice. Print out what you just posted and if nothing else mail a copy to your doctor too if you don't think you will be able to bring a copy.

Quoting MommaSav2:" I've been following your story and I'm sorry this is all do hard for you. I'm so glad you are getting ... [snip!] ... This is serious. Good luck to you. You're very brave for getting the help you need while you still can see that you need it."

 

I agree , your doctor cant help you unless your completely honest about everything.

I've also been following your posts and am kind of going through similar things. I hope you get the help that you need. I am sorry you are going through this x

thanks everyone <3

wish me luck for tomorrow! :-\

<blockquote><b>Quoting pixie b:</b>" thanks everyone <3 wish me luck for tomorrow! :-\"</blockquote>


Wishing you the best luck and tons of healing energy!! Are you goig to bring out a print up of this post?

Quoting MommaSav2:" <blockquote><b>Quoting pixie b:</b>" thanks everyone <3 wish me luck for tomorrow! ... [snip!] ... Wishing you the best luck and tons of healing energy!! Are you goig to bring out a print up of this post?"

i dont have a printer but emailed it to my friend and she printed it for me...x

Quoting pixie b:" i dont have a printer but emailed it to my friend and she printed it for me...x"

Goodluck tmw hope you can feel some relief soon and peace.