I'm in an abusive situation, and we're STUCK. Vent~

~Sorry, this is a long one. Just so much going on..  
James, (my "husband" and baby daddy) and I are currently living together. In hell. We split up a few months back, and still are...but I moved out and into my grandmother's basement. Two months later we started noticing she was not acting right, and we found out she has 18 brain tumors. So she asked me to move out. I had no choice but to move back in with him, since my mom and I DO NOT get along (she is a royal bitch & so are my sisters who live there) and my dad doesn't have extra room in his house for us. So my only option for the moment is to live with the man who sexually abused me for two years, which started when I was newly pregnant with his child....emotionally batters me with every ounce of his being especially to this very day. I try to be the peacemaker, I try to do what is best for our daughter...which is to make every day as peaceful as it can be. I beg him to stop treating me like I'm smurf on his shoe. I beg him not to yell at me in front of DD. I stand up to him now....yell back sometimes of course, I can't hold it in at this point. Which he turns back on me and says I'm the one being the bitch and causing him to lash back at me with every curse word, insult or bring up anything from the past he can. He admits that his goal is to make my life hell while I'm still in his house. (ITS NOT EVEN REALLY HIS HOUSE~ I TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING~HE IS THE LAZIEST SmUrfIN BUM I'VE EVER MET.) He pays for rent...food...the car...and thats all he does. He's even barely holding onto his job right now because his bosses say he's a lazy general manager. But for the moment I have to stay here because he IS the only financial support I have for my little girl right now. So I have to continue giving him rides to work so we can feed our DD. We share a car....an Impala that we bought after being reimbursed for the Acura that he wrecked on the highway. (He also wrecked two of our other cars) When my gma and I bought the Acura, my name was put on the title, and only mine. When we bought the Impala, he put his name and his name only on the title. I'm wondering if he can even do that?! Because he is trying to say that its his car...because his name is on the title. But I didn't sign anything over to him....or anything. But anyways he pays for the insurance and gas for the moment...so I am basically his bitch to drive him to work and back until he is able to buy himself a vehicle. So even if I got out of here...and lived somewhere else...he works on the other side of town and I would have to get out and drive him around all over the place...wasting my time that I could be spending looking for a job...OR WORKING. I don't even know if I will have time to have a job with how much I have to take care of his bum ass. I went everywhere I could this morning looking for a job~ I've got a stack of applications that I'm filling out today. I am also about to start selling jewelry again, as well as other things on Craigslist. I'm doing everything I can...I'm begging people to let me stay with them but no one gives a smurf in my family. Its incredible. Everything is just..........
I can't even explain how bad it is...
He wakes up with the goal of making me cry.
He lives to make my life hell right now.
He says my mere presence makes him enraged, which is why he feels the need to scream at me and degrade me, dehumanize me. I don't do anything to deserve this...I've done everything I can for him...I'm a DAMN GOOD WIFE. But no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I take care of him...he feels the need to slowly kill me with his words every day. I wish sometimes he would just start punching me...so the yelling would stop. I could deal with physical pain...but this is something that is eating away at my soul.
He even probably broke my finger a few weeks ago, it keeps getting worse because we have no money to get it checked out. (there is nothing they could really do for me anyway, besides give me the brace I already have, which my step mom gave me. He was yelling at me, and I wanted to leave. When I tried to go out the door, he ran over and slammed two of my fingers in the door as hard as he smurfing could. After that, he was nice for a matter of minutes because he realized what he had done. But once he got over it he chased me into the back room and continued yelling at me...and he would not let me out of that room. Trapped me. Which he has done before in the past, before we had DD.
He bribed me to have sex with him a few days ago, with weed. He bought me weed, said it was for me...then when I wouldn't have sex with him he said I couldn't have any. And he hid it.
He's also been threatening me with taking my daughter. There was one night where it got really bad, him yelling at me and threatening me with how he was going to achieve this. Which...everyone I talk to about him saying this ensures me that he cannot take her from me. I am a great mom...I breastfed for 14 months and am trying to get her back into cloth diapers after horrid ammonia problems, if he would ever get the dryer hooked up. I know there is a very very very very small almost impossible chance of him actually achieving this, but just the fact that he yells at my face about how much of a horrible mother I am, and continues to say he is going to take her from me...just the fact that he is saying this smurf....just the fact that I am going through all of this....
I want to fall down, and break. I feel like I'm going to. I don't see the other side of this yet, it still seems so far away.

This vent has been long because he has been lazy about getting the internet connected, after weeks of trying to get him to get off his ass about it, its finally connected. I've been needing a vent on BG for a while. Not to mention the internet is how I make money, selling jewelry and such.
{~which BTW if anyone would like to buy jewelry, I can send you pictures of my pre-made stuff, or if you have a certain stone you would like me to wrap, I probably have a piece.

The absolute worst part of all of this is the fact that HE}DOES NOT CARE ONE BIT that he is doing all of this, yelling, slamming my hand in the door...going insane and standing on tables while yelling at me JUST so he can feel bigger~ ALL IN FRONT OF AERILYNN. He doesn't think twice about it. He thinks he's such a good father because he's not the one with depression and anxiety problems (as you can tell though, he overlooks the problems of his own and does nothing to try and help them) like I do, which I have dealt with all of my life. I know how to deal with my negative emotions~ I can redirect them and exercise, smoke pot, write poetry, do yoga, smoke pot ;), heh. But he does nothing with himself. Nothing. Not even take care of himself and do things such as shower, shave, get hair cuts, wash his clothes...
He tells me I'm the crazy one. I'm the one with the problems.
Honestly, I feel crazy being around him... and of course I have problems, but who doesn't??!?! . If I were able to get out of here...I'd start my life over and lead a positive life that I am proud of, that I am confident I am doing the right thing for my daughter.

All of this smurf thats going on, has all added up to be a lot of stress on my body. Never before now have I ever had physical pain that is caused by built up stress. Its literally all manifesting in pain~ it started in my chest, right where my sternum is. Then it moved to the right side of my body, and it felt like there was a knot of tension on top of one of my ribs. At this point, it got so bad that I could not breathe correctly for an evening. After that it started to get better for a few days. Then it switched to my left side....and thats where it stays now. Again...feeling like there is a knot on top of one specific rib. I need a massage   BADLY.

I want to find a commune to live in, raise Aerilynn to love to be self sustainable and self reliant. Raise her in a peaceful, understanding, open minded community where people get along and where people love each other just because its the way things should be.
We've only been living here a matter of MAYBE two weeks...and hell has come and gone too many times to count.
There is so much more to vent about. But I have to stop.

is there a womans shelter you can go to? You need to get out of there before he kills you.

wow what a smurfing smurf im so sorry. i know what its like to be in a bad situation with no one to turn to. i know its hard but you have to try and leave. looking into shelters or hostels in your area. is there any part time work you can get?.

i have read your posts and i know things have been rough for you. things will start to get better!.

Yeah, you really need to get out. It's not healthy for you to be there NOR is it healthy to have your daughter raised in such an environment. Talk to the police before going to a shelter because if you leave with your daughter, he legally could fight for custody. If you document proof of the abuse, they can help take you out of there from him & help you get on your feet.
If you watch the movie "Enough," it'll explain things & how bad they can get & what you need to do to be safe.

Have you found any communes at all?! Even if they're a little far?
Which I can't help with much, I only know of one in Hawaii and last I heard it's PACKED


You don't have a single friend that can help you out and give you guys a room to stay in while you look for a job?  

You've got to find someone to help, somewhere to go. Go to the court house and file a restraining order, first. Pack all you can and go to a shelter or family members house.
Just get out.

Have you ever looked into going to a woman's shelter temporarily? They can help you get a job & a place of your own. I really think that would be best for you, you can get him in major smurf for doing all of that around your daughter, if you show you are trying to get away from his abuse, he will not be allowed to even contact you or know where you are at. I know it is going to be a HUGE step to look into a shelter but it will be best for you in the long run. I can tell by you being with him is only going to keep you down & your daughter is going to witness all of it which is not okay. You need to get out ASAP.

Can you get any sort of state assistance, or is there a shelter?

I'm sorry   can you go to a women's shelter? I would call the cops on him honestly, I would not let him win.

oh honey. i hated reading that because i remember what it was like going threw that. your not a bad mom at all. dont ever let him make you think that. your going threw hell right now so she can have a roof over her head. your an amazing mom. i wish with all my heart that there was something i could do to help you. even if it was just to give you a hug. i know the feeling of being stuck in that kind of situation and feeling like theres no way out, but there is always a way out. theres places that are made to help single moms get on there feet. you just have to be strong and hold on. there is a way out you just have to find it. ill help you if you need it. wither its finding a place to go or just need to talk to someone.

Quoting Ҿcɧơ:" ~Sorry, this is a long one. Just so much going on..   James, (my "husband" and baby daddy) and I are ... [snip!] ... MAYBE two weeks...and hell has come and gone too many times to count. There is so much more to vent about. But I have to stop."

first step, get out of Arkansas. I know a man in Tennessee who runs a commune. If you'd like I will message you his name and you can look him up. I best he'd help you, he does that for people. The state you live in sucks ass. You nned a better environment for Aerilynn.

I guess I'm just really afraid to take the step of going to a shelter. He's usually not here....he works a lot. That is the only reason I have been able to put up with it for this long.
But what the hell am I supposed to do about him not having his own car? Technically, he could call the cops on me for stealing his car since its in his name even if I get a restraining order. But I don't want to leave the car with him...I just hate not having a car and not being able to go somewhere when I need it. My family is worthless for that kind of thing. And I'm the one with the baby, and its kinda hard to have a baby and live without a car.

Quoting Ҿcɧơ:" I guess I'm just really afraid to take the step of going to a shelter. He's usually not here....he works ... [snip!] ... is worthless for that kind of thing. And I'm the one with the baby, and its kinda hard to have a baby and live without a car. "

Bus it sister. It's better then keeping your baby in that situation.

Quoting Ҿcɧơ:" I guess I'm just really afraid to take the step of going to a shelter. He's usually not here....he works ... [snip!] ... is worthless for that kind of thing. And I'm the one with the baby, and its kinda hard to have a baby and live without a car. "

Sweetheart, at this point, your & your child's safety is the most important thing here. Most states offer some sort of CashAid relief so that you have the money to pay for public transportation. To be honest, right now isn't the best time to be picky. Get out. Get safe.

Girl you really need to get away from him, before he hurts you! I'm a man who can't stand to see a worthless piece of smurf that calls himself a man beat on a woman! To bad you don't live near my wife and I, or I'd say you and your daughter could stay with us. Since you have no help you NEED to find a women's shelter! Good luck.