Wish I wasn't such a burden...

Well, I am writing from inside the hospital. I got taken by ambulance earlier to the hospital about 3 miles away from my house   I was shopping (Christmas Shopping) earlier today (and food shopping) with my father since my husband was at work. I just had Chemo a few days ago and honestly even my father told me I shouldn't have been out, especially since my blood count is lower than most people's...It's my "Chemo Rest Week" and well...I've got the flu  ...I really wanted to get a few things from the store so my dad insisted I take one of the "motorized carts" (so embarassing by the way, when you're my age and not 400 pounds you look really retarded rolling around in one of those things) anyways...so I rode it out of my dad's site and was walking through the toy section and literally I felt like I fell asleep I woke up with my dad screaming my name and literally about thirty people circled around me (awesome...in all actuality it sucked ass...poor little bald girl on the floor...ugh...I felt pathetic) Anyways I wasn't allowed to get up until the darn ambulance got there which felt like forever, and then when they finally got there they asked me all sorts of annoying questions, I was given fluids (awesome...NOT! I have deep rolling veins which makes it practically impossible to find them on a good day...let alone after chemo when they're complete smurf as it is...) anyways...so after they get me in the ambulance my husband get's off work...comes to see me, brings my laptop...cries a bit...goes home to take care of kids. All I kept thinking today is I've become such a burden to my family...financially, physically, emotionally...there was a moment today (I won't say how big or small) when I just wished I hadn't woke up. I am sick of scaring people, this isn't the first time...it's like my body has hated me for years...

2012: I almost die during labor because I start hemorraging (which makes my husband, doctor, and I decide it's just best for me to have no more kids.) Also, this is when they find out about my cancer.

2011: Get diagnosed with Cervical Cancer

2009: Have to have an emergency removal of my gallbladder since it's producing a poison that is slowly killing me.

2008: Go into Anaphylactic shock at work, heart stops beating for 4 minutes, am revived by paddles (not the best way to wake up...just going to tell you your chest hurts for a few weeks like you got slammed by a semi)

anyways...the moral of this story is I feel like sometimes my family would just be better off without the worry of me being sick or dying. I mean, I'm not going to kill myself, but I do think it'd be convenient if my body made it's mind up one way or another...sorry I ranted...just felt like spitting my guts out into cyber space. Hospitals aren't exactly social hubs at night...

<blockquote><b>Quoting .:ANIMAL:.:</b>" Well, I am writing from inside the hospital. I got taken by ambulance earlier to the hospital about 3 ... [snip!] ... I ranted...just felt like spitting my guts out into cyber space. Hospitals aren't exactly social hubs at night..."</blockquote>



Take it easy.

Get well soon x

Quoting Tyannemom2kids:" <blockquote><b>Quoting .:ANIMAL:.:</b>" Well, I am writing from inside the hospital. ... [snip!] ... out into cyber space. Hospitals aren't exactly social hubs at night..."</blockquote> Take it easy. Get well soon x"

Thanks, trying to...lol...wish I could sleep...oh well...tomorrow night hopefully!

None of this is your fault! Your not a burden you are a gift from God. Dont ever think that you are a burden! Your family loves you and you have a purpose. I have serveral family members with cancer. The youngest was my cousin Christian who passed away at 7 from Nueroblastoma , but all through his life he knew what a gift he was. Thats how you should feel! You are a beautiful woman. Keep your head held high!

Quoting Taylor Enriquez:" None of this is your fault! Your not a burden you are a gift from God. Dont ever think that you are a ... [snip!] ... through his life he knew what a gift he was. Thats how you should feel! You are a beautiful woman. Keep your head held high!"

thanks, it's just hard when I know that I've just become more dependent on everyone again. I'm 24, I should be the one taking care of stuff, not being taken care of.

Dont be sorry about venting! That's what we're here for. I'm sorry you feel like this. I'm sure you're family feels the complete opposite and would do anything for you. keep you head up!

Quoting .:ANIMAL:.:" thanks, it's just hard when I know that I've just become more dependent on everyone again. I'm 24, I should be the one taking care of stuff, not being taken care of."

I understand. I just hope you know how much you are loved by everyone around you.

Quoting .:ANIMAL:.:" Well, I am writing from inside the hospital. I got taken by ambulance earlier to the hospital about 3 ... [snip!] ... I ranted...just felt like spitting my guts out into cyber space. Hospitals aren't exactly social hubs at night..."

oh my...you've been through a lot...my mom had cervical cancer...she was a fighter till the very end. I know what you're going through to an extent. Its not easy but don't EVERRR think you are a burden to anyone. You wouldn't have so much people around you who love and care for you if that was the case... Being sick is never your fault remember that. Now if you were on drugs and turned mental thats another story and i would call it a burden. but CLEARLY you're not. Just try to take it easy...I know its hard but you aren't doing yourself any favors by overworking your body!!

Quoting Lily Ann + Lil Annie:" oh my...you've been through a lot...my mom had cervical cancer...she was a fighter till the very end. ... [snip!] ... you're not. Just try to take it easy...I know its hard but you aren't doing yourself any favors by overworking your body!!"

I know...I apologized to hubby earlier, and he said I'm forbidden to shop till after christmas   heehee...been online at disney store picking out some stuff for him and the son. little miss is too young so I'm just getting her some chew toys from the store (lmao...sounds so wrong...teethers whatever...) lol...glorified chew toy hahaha.

I have had family member who had cancer and they all mentioned how they felt like a burden at some point. From the point of view of your family, you are anything but a burden - the cancer is and they hate it for hurting you but you they still want around whether you have cancer or not  

I hope you get over the flu very soon and that it doesn't make you really unwell and for you all to have a lovely Christmas  

I know that you may feel like you a burden, but I seriously doubt your family feels that way, because you are absolutely not.

I've had a lot of family members go through cancer and chemo, and I also spent a lot of time of my clinical on the Oncology floor. I specifically remember my aunt feeling the way you explained when she was in chemo. She would want us to leave, to not being her food, to not help her get things done.... but we did it anyway, because we wanted to be there.

I saw so many people at the hospital who felt like they were even a burden to the nurses. I think it is normal to feel the way you are feeling, but try to convince yourself of the fact that you are not. Your family loves you and they want the best for you. It may be tiring at times, but it is worth it to see you comfortable and on the road to recovery.

I simply cannot begin to imagine what you are going through, but I have definitely been on the other side of the fence by caring for people with cancer. It will be a rough road, but try to focus on YOU. This is when it is absolutely necessary to put your needs first, and everyone who loves and cares would agree 100%.

Quoting .:ANIMAL:.:" Well, I am writing from inside the hospital. I got taken by ambulance earlier to the hospital about 3 ... [snip!] ... I ranted...just felt like spitting my guts out into cyber space. Hospitals aren't exactly social hubs at night..."

Awww dont ever feel like your a burden on anyone its not your fault that you got cancer im so sorry your feeling like tbis and i hope it clears up for you! Remember your beautiful just the way you are!