It's all just starting to get to me....(kind of long)

My son came early at 26 and 5 on 9/28/12 due to severe pre-eclampsia followed by a placental abruption. He weighed 1 pound 11 ounces and was 11 7/8 inches long. Now he just hit 5 pounds this morning and is 16 1/4 inches long . We're getting down there on remaining NICU time. All that is left is his bottling. It's the only reason he is still in the NICU.

I've done pretty well with the NICU stay. I immersed myself in the environment and spent countless hours on the internet, learning every possible thing about his equipment and micropreemies in general. I handled it great and even surprised the nurses with how well I understood everything.

Strangely, now that Timothy's stay is almost to the end, it seems like every thing is finally hitting me. I'm overwhelmed and have a constant ache in my chest. It's like a never ending panic attack.

After all of this time, it is starting to just feel like to much. To many bad experiences and days spent being terrified that my angel wouldn't survive. Now that it's almost over, I thought that I would finally be able to just breathe. Oh how wrong I was.

I'm out of things to do and I think that's the problem. I'm well-versed in preemie care. His room is done. Every possible thing that could be done has been done and now that I'm no longer busy, I feel like I'm going crazy. Only a few more weeks left until he's home and I'm freaking out.

I feel like I'm wrong...like I should be ecstatic. And I think that I sort of am, but mostly I'm just struggling with getting day to day. I feel like I'm suffocating and that the days are lasting forever.

Have any of you other preemie moms experienced this? If so, do you have any advice on how to cope with it?

to start with, sounds like you've been strong through this ordeal, and have done the right things, and have handled yourself very well!
you've gone through probably the hardest thing that you'll ever have to do.
most people (happily!) have no idea.

you've made it this far, and I'm sure you'll be a great mom!

i think your feelings are perfectly valid. makes sense to me that you'd feel MORE panic, and MORE fear now that you're at the finish line. Fear and anxiety were luxuries you couldn't have before, when you were worried about life and death.

there is an old article i came across from the New York Times that talks a bit about PTSD of NICU parents: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/25/health/25trau.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

Thank you so much for your insight on my "situation". It's unbelievably relieving to have someone tell me that I'm doing a "good job" for a change, and not just peppering me with (unintentionally) hurtful comments and questions about my son.

I read the article and I believe you may be on to something. It describes how I feel almost exactly. My alarm went of this morning and my heart stopped for a second because I automatically thought it was a brady alarm.

I'm going to keep an eye on my emotions and stress level and decide if I should possibly seek a little bit of help. Having a counselor, or even just another preemie mom on here to talk to would probably be a big help.

Thank you again!

Quoting Mandi Bass:" Thank you so much for your insight on my "situation". It's unbelievably relieving to have someone tell ... [snip!] ... help. Having a counselor, or even just another preemie mom on here to talk to would probably be a big help. Thank you again!"

glad I could be a little helpful.

Definitely feel free to pm me.

I have an idea, but only just, of what you went through. Mine were early, 32 weeks, so i got a taste of being a NICU mom. It's not fun. And this was *only* for one month. My heart goes out to you, with such a long stay.

But the day he comes home you'll start to be able to really heal yourself and your baby. Care of him will keep you plenty busy!
You'll start to be able to experience the motherhood that I'm sure you dreamt about when you first realized you were pregnant.

Even just those first few days, when you bathe and change and feed him, and hold him as much as you want, without wires: it will all be worth it  

I do want to repeat that everything you're feeling, the good and the bad, is 100% OK and 100% understandable.