It still hurts.

Being off my meds has given me lucid dreams again. And it really sucks. Being pregnant on top of that makes it even worse.

I'm so afraid my daughters are going to hate me. I had a dream three nights ago about them. My oldest was screaming that she hates me. She was punching, kicking and scratching me. All I could do was cry. I could feel my heart physically breaking apart.

I know it's my fault they're with a new family. If I hadn't of relapsed, I would have them here with me. Ready to welcome their little sister into the world.

Instead I chose a little smurfing pill.
One little pill has been the collapse of my entire world, and it has been hell trying to come back from that. I chose one little pill, a one hour high, over the most important people in my life.

And it still hurts.
My girls will never know their sister.
My baby girl will never know her sisters.
And it's all my fault.

I just had to get this out. Normally I'm better held together regarding my older two daughters... But these nightmares are reopening wounds I have struggled to sew shut...

Quoting Rabbit™:" Being off my meds has given me lucid dreams again. And it really sucks. Being pregnant on top of that ... [snip!] ... held together regarding my older two daughters... But these nightmares are reopening wounds I have struggled to sew shut..."

I totally know how you feel, I was addicted to meth and my 3 oldest girls have been with my mom since they were babies (about 8 years shes had them now). I have my 4 yr old son, 2 yr old daughter, and 1 month old son living with me. I constantly think every day that they are going to hate me because I have these 3 and not them, I do get to see them often because they are with my mother, but its still not same as having them with me all the time. Their father is fighting for custody and I worry he will get them and Ill never see them again, he is trying to keep us all out of their lives. I cant help but think this is all my fault, because if I would of went for custody first I may of gotten them, but I waited and waited and now it could be forever before I see them again. Just know that you are not alone, and you do have another chance with your new baby, so make it worthwhile and keep sober so you dont lose her to. When your girls get older you can probably meet back up with them, be honest about everything even if it hurts to tell them, you are their mother and they will always have some kind of connection with you. I wish you the best of luck and hope you are able to stay on track for this little one.

I'm sorry  

Wow I can't imagine how much pain you're going through.   Are you able to get them back with you?

I KNOW the pain you are feeling, honey. My daughters are with their father, because I was not mentally capable of giving them the love and care they needed. I got PPD BAD, it got to a point where I was doing just enough to keep them fed and clean. I rarely interacted with them at all. I keep feeling like they are going to hate me. I talk to them on the computer sometimes, and every time I do it breaks my heart. I now feel fantastic, after learning how to deal with my depression/other mental issues. Aside from the giant hole that's left in my heart from not having them with me. All I can really do is keep up the communication, and keep telling them that I love them. Their father and his family are trying to do everything in their power to make sure that my daughters hate me, and knowing this kills me. Knowing also that I don't have the money to open a new custody case kills me even more.

I also have dreams of them telling me that they hate me and want nothing to do with me. I can still hear my oldest daughter crying telling me that she wants me to be her mom again, and that she wants to be with me. And the pain is still there, like a rock in my chest. That pain will never go away, sweetie. You're a mother without your children, you're missing pieces to your puzzle. You just have to try not to put pressure on your new baby (as do I) to give you the love that they can't.
I sometimes feel like I failed them, but I know that I did the best thing for them. *I* made the decision to send them away, once I realized what I was becoming. I knew that sending them to their grandmother/father was the best thing, because they would be able to love them better than I could at that moment. I hated myself, and was resenting being a mother, I resented my children. So I sent them away.
If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me any time. *hugs*

I'm sorry. I couldn't imagine the pain you must feel.

Quoting Mama Crash ☮:" I KNOW the pain you are feeling, honey. My daughters are with their father, because I was not mentally ... [snip!] ... mother, I resented my children. So I sent them away. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me any time. *hugs*"

 

I almost lost my oldest due to PPP and other mental problems. It was such a long, hard struggle to get him back.

OP you are welcome to PM me as well.

Quoting Supafly★:" Wow I can't imagine how much pain you're going through.   Are you able to get them back with you? "

Nope. The adoption was finalized last month. They are officially no longer mine (by law, in my heart they're still my amazing angels.)

Quoting Rabbit™:" Nope. The adoption was finalized last month. They are officially no longer mine (by law, in my heart they're still my amazing angels.)"

Awww.   Are you allowed to see them or contact them?

Thanks ladies.
I really do appreciate the kind words and experiences shared.
It is so weird to be going through this. I see women due around the same time talking about how their kids interact with their pregnancies and...god I get so jealous. But on the same note, I feel so blessed to have a second chance to have a family

Quoting Supafly★:" Awww.   Are you allowed to see them or contact them? "

By e-mail

Quoting Rabbit™:" Thanks ladies. I really do appreciate the kind words and experiences shared. It is so weird to be going ... [snip!] ... their pregnancies and...god I get so jealous. But on the same note, I feel so blessed to have a second chance to have a family"

You are blessed, sweetie. Someone obviously thinks that you deserve the honor of bringing this child into the world. I am Native American, and believe the Great Spirit has a plan for all of us.

I had trouble accepting this pregnancy in the beginning, I felt like I had failed my other two girls and didn't deserve this one. Grandfather (what we call the Great Spirit) taught me a LOT of HARD lessons this past year (it's been a year and nearly 7 months since I sent my girls away). I did learn to accept this child, and I feel so blessed, and HIGHLY honored that he would choose ME as her mother. It took a lot of meditation and spirit walks for me to learn all that I have learned. I also learned not to hate myself for sending my oldest two away, I know in my heart what I did was best.

I believe that you have learned many hard lessons as well, and are ready to face this world as a new person, a new mother. Don't doubt yourself for one minute.