PPD The second time around? + sharing my story.
posted 8th Dec
I had a really tough pregnancy with DS, yes because I was 16 but more so because of the crippling depression I suffered right throughout the pregnancy and after he was born. I'd never had depression before and it certainly wasnt the typical 'can't get out of bed and never stop crying' feeling I'd always thought depression was. I literally felt like I was starting to lose my mind. I was just overcome with insecurity which I'd never felt before, I started suffibg from anxiety for the first time, in my head I was just a complete mess although I 'suffered in silence' for the whole 9 months because I was more then anything just scared people would decide I couldn't cope. I'm sure pregnancy triggered it. I was only 2 weeks along when I started crying over the smallest things and what started out as normal hormonal emotion just got worse and worse as the days went on. Amazingly I kept it together enough to look after my son properly, just. Thankfully I had my mum because she really got me through those first few months. DS was 4 months old when she finally convinced me to go to a doctor, I was diagnosed with severe depression, put on meds and referred to a psychologist. I took the meds and started to feel better within a week but it was defs a slow recovery and I couldn't bring myself to do the psychology despite my doctor telling me it was a very important part of the recovery. I'm almost 20 now but was 17 then and looking back obviously it was the wrong choice but at the time I just didn't feel strong enough to go through the past and face some things from my early teens that I have buried away in here. So I took the meds because I needed my sanity back but after 4 months I started weining myself off and stopped altogether by the time DS was 12 months.
Today he's 26 months and I guess I'm cured, I have been for a while. I have my brain back and I'm no longer depressed on a daily basis but I don't think I'll ever be completly the same. I guess I can't handle confrontation as well as I used to, I have a level of anger that comes out when I'm pushed to the edge that I never had before. Of course I never feel this way toward my son I'm not uncontrolled just in situations with family/fiancÚ ect. I just hope nobody ever tips me over the edge because I guess the best way to describe it is I lose control of myself when I'm mad.
This has only happened a handful of times because I do have mostly good relationships. The reason I'm writing this is because even though I got the most amazing thing from it, I only have bad memories of being pregnant and consider it the lowest point of my life. Getting back to that place is my worst fear and I'm scared that fear will stop me ever trying again, and I do want more children.
So I want to know how many of you had PPD? Was it like mine was? And of course did you get it a second time, will I get it a second time because I didn't treat it properly the first time round? Does pregnancy just make some women go insane, because that's what it felt like for me. I don't know if my young age has anything to do with it, maybe it will be better now I'm an adult? Will my emotions EVER go back to the way they used to be? Sorry for all the questions, I've never opened up about this to anyone before and now it's all just flooding out.
Thankyou for taking the time to read this, and sharing your advice and experiance. This really isn't a pity party so please don't feel sorry for me because my life is fine now (this is what's kept me from opening up in the past, I do not want to feel pitied), I just really want to know what the future is like for someone who just lost it for a while there...