:( PPD

Hi. I can't even believe I'm making this post. I never expected to have PPD. I was just diagnosed with it a few days ago, though I knew I had it but was fighting it before I went to the Dr. I apologize if I write unclearly, I just began taking Zoloft to treat it, and I'm so drowsy. Hopefully it will pass.. I guess what I'm hoping is to maybe have less guilt for feeling this way. I feel so horrible that i'm not happier than I should be. I feel like I'm being held hostage by horrifying thoughts I never thought i could have. I love, love, love my son with all of my heart. He is the happiest little baby I've ever seen. And I'm so proud of him. He's 3 1/2 months   It's upsetting to me my mind is OCD with thoughts of ME hurting HIM. How could I think that?? I have horrible scary images that flood my mind. It scares me. I've screamed out no before because it freeaks me out so much. I know I will NEVER do those things. But why is my mind making up such negative scenarios?? Please tell me I'm not alone. I really believe it's just the hormone drop. And the fact I'm tired and my mind is playing tricks on me. I'm really patient, and I'm hardly bothered by his crying most of the time. so it really makes absolutely no sense. I think I just feel bad about myself, or I'm so afraid of him getting hurt that I get scared I could hurt him and then the possibilities just spiral out of control! I'm not a mean person   It's hard for me tor grasp why i feel so crazy  

I know what you are going through mama, I went through the same thing. Stick to the meds, even if you don't feel a difference after a couple weeks. Sometimes it takes a while to kick in, in my case up to 8 weeks...It's tough but so worth it!

You're not alone. I went through everything you described. But the anti depressants are working now and I no longer have those thoughts, I have learnt to be patient with my daughter, she is just a baby after all and she needs me. It does get better  

you are VERY MUCH not alone. I was there, very close to PPP.

Stay with the medications, and see your doctor regularly. And know your boundaries with your child. Even though you say you would never act on a negative urge, if you start feeling negative urges, get yourself away from your baby, ok? Its ok for your child to cry for a little bit, if it means you stop thinking those negative thoughts….hope that makes sense  

thank you just knowing even one person went through this makes me feel better.. it's been tough. I feel bad even for my husband because I know he sees all of his other friends with there babies and their wives/gfs don't have this issue.. I feel so guilty, and just bad in general. I wanted this baby. He was planned. So I don't get why I ever felt this way. BUT I do have past anxiety issues, so I guess it does make sense

Quoting ~*Icat*~:" you are VERY MUCH not alone. I was there, very close to PPP. Stay with the medications, and see your ... [snip!] ... ok for your child to cry for a little bit, if it means you stop thinking those negative thoughts….hope that makes sense

It definitely makes sense. Luckily I have grandma and grandpa if I feel like I'm getting to tired to take it. And now that I explained my feelings more thoroughly to my husband he's been stepping in a lot more.

Quoting lisacherie:" thank you just knowing even one person went through this makes me feel better.. it's been tough. I feel ... [snip!] ... baby. He was planned. So I don't get why I ever felt this way. BUT I do have past anxiety issues, so I guess it does make sense"

you don't know that your friends or his friends who have had babies have gone through this. People tend to keep their PPD issues very hush hush.

Hopefully your husband can understand that it is hormonal, and that it is quite common. It doesn't mean you aren't excited to be a mother, and that you aren't "over the moon" with your new baby. It is something that you can't control.

Where do you live? do you get seasonal depression?

That's very true. I honestly never wanted to tell anyone but I would rather let people know than risk my baby being hurt. (even though I know I won't I dont even want him to feel my negative emotions) I'm from Michigan. And I've struggled mostly with anxiety since I was 13. And I've battled bad depression on and off for those years. I used to cut myself. I used to drink. I went on zoloft 3 years ago. I've been off though up until now. I've made a lot of positive life changes. And feel really secure where I am now. But I guess the hormonal issues are getting me bad at the moment

and just to clarify why i had these issues.. my dad was abusive when i was little, and i was in a bad marriage at 21 to a guy who was abusive as well. So i've been a mess. Luckily now I have a really great husband. And up until now I've been as stable as I can be. Not perfect but really happy

Quoting lisacherie:" That's very true. I honestly never wanted to tell anyone but I would rather let people know than risk ... [snip!] ... positive life changes. And feel really secure where I am now. But I guess the hormonal issues are getting me bad at the moment"

it could be a combination of seasonal affect disorder (seasonal depression) and the hormonal changes with having a baby. I imagine the combination would suck!

Talk to your doctor about supplemental ways you can help yourself. My dr. put me on vitamin D pills because I wasn't getting enough vitamin d when winter came.

But mostly it seems like you've got it under control. Stick with the medications - even if you have a really great day where you think "I'm all better! I don't need this smurf!"….just stay on it and with it, ok? Because its extremely dangerous for you to suddenly stop taking the medications.

I had bad PPD with both of my babies so let me know if you ever have any questions or need to talk. I'm here  

Quoting lisacherie:" and just to clarify why i had these issues.. my dad was abusive when i was little, and i was in a bad ... [snip!] ... mess. Luckily now I have a really great husband. And up until now I've been as stable as I can be. Not perfect but really happy"

you don't have to explain yourself.   There's a lot of us on here with a lot of life experiences…none of us are in a position to judge what you've gone through in your life.

what do you do if your husband doesn't understand that this is your body and hormnones controlling the crazy, and not your fault? cuz mine thinks that. he doesn't understand what I'm going through even though this baby was planned. He thinks I'm a crazy bitch who promised everything would be fine and I could handle it. Well, that's like saying I promise I won't get cancer, kwim?

Quoting ~*Icat*~:" it could be a combination of seasonal affect disorder (seasonal depression) and the hormonal changes ... [snip!] ... medications. I had bad PPD with both of my babies so let me know if you ever have any questions or need to talk. I'm here  "

Thank you so much! I will probably have more questions I appreciate your help

Quoting Natural Goddess Mommy:" what do you do if your husband doesn't understand that this is your body and hormnones controlling the ... [snip!] ... bitch who promised everything would be fine and I could handle it. Well, that's like saying I promise I won't get cancer, kwim?"

My husband kind of freaked out at first too. I had to tell him calmly. I tried talking to him to upset and he just got really weirded out. Keep trying to explain it. I had to bring it several times. The first time I said I wanted to go the Dr. he said "he will think you are crazy and they will take the baby away". Not at all what I needed to hear.... I had show him the facts I researched online.

Quoting Natural Goddess Mommy:" what do you do if your husband doesn't understand that this is your body and hormnones controlling the ... [snip!] ... bitch who promised everything would be fine and I could handle it. Well, that's like saying I promise I won't get cancer, kwim?"

both of our sons were very planned, and I still suffered very bad PPD.

Do you have any history of depression? If you have depression, or a history of it, you are more prone to PPD.

What your husband needs to see is that this is something that a LOT of women suffer from, and that it isn't something you can control. My husband is very understanding, but I know a lot of men really struggle with empathy in this situation.
I would consider one of two directions:

1. internet research about PPD and what causes it, how it is hormonal, etc. Use credible sources like the mayo clinic and .org or .edu sites. they tend to be most factually correct. If he isn't an ass, he will learn from the sites you post  

OR

2. IF he is still really struggling with understanding what is going on with you, I would call my OBGYN and ask to set up an appt with the nurse practitioner or OB youv'e been seeing to treat your PPD. Tell them that you need to bring in your husband and you'd like the dr to explain to you both what is going on.

I've had a few friends' husbands go with option number 1, and their husbands seem to get it, but I have had two friends take their husbands in to the OB for a little meeting with the dr to further explain what's going on, how serious it is, and that it is NOT something you can control.