Just cant get this under control

I have Been seeing someone to talk thru this but I keep coming to this. To sitting here bawling my eyes out. I know it takes time but thats not what kills me. What starts is remembering how she struggled to breath. How i hear my baby gasping and like a worthless POS I didn't even beg the doctors to try to make her comfortable. I just held her while she struggled to breath. What kinda mother am I? I am so mad at myself because I should have found a Way to do the abortion or something becauae I think to myself If I had gotten one she wouldn't have had to suffer like that. And I can't help but be so angry. Angry that I just held my precious baby Girl until she stopped struggling and I couldn't make her time here any less painful. Did I not pray enough? Have I not Been through enough? That's all anyone could advise me to do. And they're still advising me that but honestly whats the point ? I'm sorry its Been a rough night and I needed a vent. And all my posts seem to be vents but this is all I got at the moment.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know it's easier said than done, but don't be so hard on yourself.

*hugs*

wow, i truly cant imagine going through that. Im trying and it hurts too much to even think about.

I think in your state of mind it should not have been up to you to come up with an idea like that, thats what the nurses and doctors are for. Im truly sorry you had to watch that. As a mother i cant imagine the pain-urgency and helplessness you must have felt.
You will always question the what ifs, but if you did get an abortion then you would be wondering the same what ifs that made you not get one in the first place. i dont know your story or what you believe or where your ethics stand on the issue but abortion is never to be taken lightly-you had your reasons and if you did it anyway then you would always wonder the other way, if that makes any sense.

i dont really know what else to say that might help you, if you need to talk more i can definitely listen.

Thank you. I am trying but I feel as if I could've made her time here easier it wouldn't still haunt me. But I know I would just think of something else I should have done. I feel ashamed that I didn't even try to make the doctors ease her pain.

<blockquote><b>Quoting cunning cuniculi:</b>" wow, i truly cant imagine going through that. Im trying and it hurts too much to even think about. I ... [snip!] ... makes any sense. i dont really know what else to say that might help you, if you need to talk more i can definitely listen. "</blockquote>




Well Were I live its against the law to do later abortions. I would have had to come up with the money up front and covered all my travel expenses/hotel myself. It was pricey but I had half the money and could've saved up for the rest.. but when it came time she had finally started showing me signs of movement and I just didn't have the heart to make the plans or even ask questions. I lived in a state of shock. My doc didn't think I was even gonna go past a few more weeks let alone full term. And I went full term and I had hoped by going that far she would be my little miracle since she had already passed expectations.

Quoting Plum flippers:" Thank you. I am trying but I feel as if I could've made her time here easier it wouldn't still haunt ... [snip!] ... would just think of something else I should have done. I feel ashamed that I didn't even try to make the doctors ease her pain."

i dont know if this will interest you at all,

http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

its the five stages of greif. I find that understanding what im feeling and why helps me get through some things.

your feelings are normal, completely normal-but still you must understand that there was nothing you could have done differently. you had her, you held her, you held her close, you felt her, you smelled her, you listened to her. Her entire life was spent in your reach-you only ever loved her and wanted the best for her. you are an amazing mother-but only human. no amount of mulling over it again and again in your head is going to change anything. you made the right decisions for you and your family, and while it hurts now and will continue to hurt, but i do hope you find peace with yourself and the situation soon.

Quoting Plum flippers:" <blockquote><b>Quoting cunning cuniculi:</b>" wow, i truly cant imagine going through ... [snip!] ... I went full term and I had hoped by going that far she would be my little miracle since she had already passed expectations."

that would be a horribly difficult decision.

I couldn't open the link. Thank you though. I keep going thru being manageable and then complete break down. I have Been working on trying to let go of what I feel I did wrong. And understanding There was nothing i could have done gets easier and then harder. I'm working on finding a balance or something Im not sure what exactly but to actually be able to pick myself up again has Been one of my bigger accomplishments. It's the repeat breakdown thats hard.

Quoting Plum flippers:" I couldn't open the link. Thank you though. I keep going thru being manageable and then complete break ... [snip!] ... to actually be able to pick myself up again has Been one of my bigger accomplishments. It's the repeat breakdown thats hard."

http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

I know, ive had my own battles with greif. nothing comparable to yours but grief is what it is. I would get cought up and tangled, cycle through stages...the pain never really goes away but it does get better with time.

I know I have good days and bad days. I wish I had a Way to just deal with one thing at a time rather than It all catching me off guard all at once.

I'm sorry for your loss hun. <3

<blockquote><b>Quoting Kati ♥:</b>" I'm sorry for your loss hun. <3"</blockquote>




Thank you.