Relactation/ PPD vent

My son, Mikah, is 7mo now. I had a hard time starting out breastfeeding because of his sucking issues and allowing myself to be bullied by nurses. So he was supplemented since day 2 or 3. So at 3 months old or so, I decided it was too much for me and quit trying to battle the nipple confusion, the supply, everything. It still hurt though that I couldn't do it. I even tried to get my supply back up a month ago, it worked, but he won't latch and I have a really smurffy pump. Now I'm drying back up and I hate it!

I couldn't breastfeed with my first son because being a 28 weeker, he had to be in the NICU. I pumped but had to stop when I had to take antibiotics for a serious infection. Within 24 hours of switching straight to formula doctors discovered he had NEC (Necrotizing Enterocolitis) and he died not long after. Now, I know I can't know for sure that's what caused it but, when your heart is broken and your arms are empty you find anything and everything to blame it on.

Because of this, I wanted so badly to breastfeed Mikah. I knew he would be born early too and didn't want to lose him. All of that worry and stress seems so irrational now, though, because he is a very healthy, happy 7mo, even with formula. So why do I still feel like I failed? I hate it. I feel like I want a restart but it seems so selfish and stupid.

I'm sure this is because of PPD. I was grieving my first son when I got pregnant with Mikah and stayed depressed in the hospital on bedrest with him. I just really want to be able to breastfeed him. I guess I feel like something's gonna happen to him if I don't. Smurfing annoying.