Dealing with loss with no religion...

I've had two official miscarriages and one that wasn't hospital facilitated. I've had....smurf, I don't know how many chemical pregnancies, just because I was a dumb kid and didn't think I could get pregnant. I've had so many chances at making life.

Every tells me that God works in mysterious ways, and to have faith and know that I'll see the ones I lost later in my pregnancy one day.

I don't want to believe in a god that's plan for me is to get my hopes up and then make me feel everything from "I'm not a woman if I can't conceive." to "I might as well be a murderer."

I need help dealing with these emotionally, not silly escapist ideals that are carefully designed to keep people from dealing with life and its problems.

Sigh.

Sorry if I offended anyone. I'm just frustrated and still hurting over things that happened a long time ago. No one has ever been able to let me deal with this things or help me through it...they just tell me to put it on a god I don't believe in.

I don't believe in God... and I tell myself that the reason it happened, was because the pregnancy was 'bad'. Or the baby would've been sick. So my body knew it'd be better to just miscarry, than to carry on the pregnancy and have complications either during pregnancy or after.

At least that's what I tell myself. It helps a bit. I'm sorry, love<3

Quoting kthx.:" I don't believe in God... and I tell myself that the reason it happened, was because the pregnancy was ... [snip!] ... have complications either during pregnancy or after. At least that's what I tell myself. It helps a bit. I'm sorry, love<3"

It'd be nice to say things like "I wonder what they would have looked like." without someone telling me "You'll find out someday."

I won't. I'm okay with that. What I REALLY want to know is how much of it was my fault, what would have happened if I had waited until later in life to start having sex, why I have to have the problems that lead to this happening anyway. Things I'll never get answered, either, but I think they're more worthwhile than planning on seeing them in heaven.

I don't think I've ever properly, healthily grieved over any of them, and right now it's just really hitting me hard. =[

I'm glad you understand, though, even though I'm also terribly sorry that you do. You are literally the first person that knows where I'm coming from on this.

It's hard, I think these are situations when lots of lukewarm religious people turn to religion, to help them deal with loss.
Just remember that there will have been something wrong with the embryos in some way that made it impossible for them to survive, and so nature dealt with it.
Typing that out sounds really insensitive.. But it wouldn't have happened to an embryo that would have gone on to be born..

Quoting Chroma Hex [+1]:" It'd be nice to say things like "I wonder what they would have looked like." without someone telling ... [snip!] ... even though I'm also terribly sorry that you do. You are literally the first person that knows where I'm coming from on this. "

I know exactly what you mean  


It's nothing you could've prevented. Remember that. I don't know why they happen -- I hate that they do. Especially to women who want them.

I understand the whole seeing them in Heaven thing. I don't believe in all of that... I've tried to, and I just can't.

http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/fourtruths.html
Buddhism
The Four Noble Truths
1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable. 4. The path to the cessation of suffering.

The above is what helped me not only heal from my losses, but to end up in a better place than I had ever been. It's not about religion, it is about coming to peace & balance. It is NOT where I thought I'd end up - but I feel sooo lucky to have stumbled onto that path when I did because I was in a bad bad place. I also recommend ANY readings by Thicht Nhat Hanh. http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/9074.Thich_Nhat_Hanh
The 1st book I read was True Love & it absolutely taught me how to really love & take care of my own heart for the first time in my life & I didnt' even know that I didn't know how to do that before. It made me a far better wife & in the end I know I am a better mom for all that as well. I SWEAR to you - it is not religion or doctrine, it is simply about meditation & reflection...no agenda. I don't even consider myself Buddhist...although I have been a student of Buddhism for 6 yrs now - I still see myself as just who I am with a really really useful set of tools on how to cope & manage & find & maintain joy in my life & weather the rough spots. The LAST thing I woud do is try to push a religion agenda on someone. I simply found it taught me the tools for how to accept the struggle in life & find a way to weather it in peace.

The Miracle of Mindfulness is what taught me how to actually meditate...as my head was always so noisy.

My heart aches for you. It truly does. Please know you are not alone & bad things happen to whoever they happen to & there is no rhyme or reason. I know it probably feels like when people say "God's plan" like God is taking a big dookie on you - but try to remember too that many of those people that say it - they also believe that the strongest people are often tested the most severely (especially if you read biblically) so I don't *think* they are trying to offend or be mean, they just don't know what to say & they say things that aren't helpful 90% of the time. You already know that I am sure. Knowing they mean well doesn't make it any less painful or annoying either.

The only thing I can promise you thoug h& I did truly finally understand this through Buddhist study - the pain will NOT stay. Just like joy comes & goes, so does pain. So when you are feeling your worst, remember a time when you were really happy & remember how the joy left you & realize, this pain too - WILL leave...it will, I know that for sure. The trick right now is in learning how to deal with it while it's here.

Much love to you!

I had 2 miscarriages, one quite a bit along (13 weeks).
I'm not religious at all and I had to deal with all of that as well. I started getting snippy with people because it just pissed me off after a bit, I can only smile and nod for so long.

Dealing with it, was really hard. Not as bad the second time for me, but I wasn't very far along, baby never started developing.
With the 13 weeker, my doctor helped me in thinking something was REALLY wrong with the baby. We could never find the baby, we heard a heart beat but we could never find the baby. He said it was really odd because the baby should have at least been the size of a grapefruit around then.

Getting a tattoo and crying for a few months straight helped me get better. It gets better with time, but mine never went away. I still get very sad but I think it's because I still have no baby after trying for 2 years.

I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope your heart and body heal quickly. Just try to brush people off and tell them you don't want to hear any of that fake bullsmurf.

Quoting kthx.:" I don't believe in God... and I tell myself that the reason it happened, was because the pregnancy was ... [snip!] ... have complications either during pregnancy or after. At least that's what I tell myself. It helps a bit. I'm sorry, love<3"

Exactly the same here.

I'm sorry for your losses, OP.

pregnancy isn't magic.

it's a biological balance of very delicate and intricate growing processes.

any major defect or flaw and that process goes awry. there's very little a woman can consciously do to change this fact outside of being healthy and not drinking/doing drugs while pregnant.

when you miscarry it's not something you can blame yourself for -- unless you're abusing your body.

grieve for the loss of the hope of a child, the idea of love that would've been but which never got to grow.

let yourself grieve ... but recognize it's a different kind of loss than losing any living loved ones.

i think miscarriage is an experience many parents have difficulty even coming to grips w/ b/c of how much of the loss is in your mind (the would-be baby in your arms and the love you were starting to grow). it never was so you never really "lost" the love so much as the idea of a future of love.

*hugs*

Quoting Sofia's Mummy♥:" It's hard, I think these are situations when lots of lukewarm religious people turn to religion, to help ... [snip!] ... it. Typing that out sounds really insensitive.. But it wouldn't have happened to an embryo that would have gone on to be born.."

When people have life issues and throw themselves into religion, it makes me think of how people that are recovering from addictions suddenly become devout members of a religious organization. Like I said, it's escapism, and while there's NOTHING wrong with that (I'm an atheist, not an antitheist) anything they have to say about their god or gods just doesn't help ME personally.

And whether or not the embryo itself was viable, I have known fertility issues. The sad thing is, I didn't even know about chem pregnancies until this year. Someone on BG pointed out that there's no way I've had that many false positives (Which I've had like....four-five always "right before my period".), and another doctor I've been seeing confirmed it sounds like chemical pregnancies. Sigh. I have a daughter, who makes my world turn, but she came at great costs to my health and my ability to lead a normal life. I just...smurf. I want to be a regular woman sometimes... I want to be a super mom. =[


To avoid comment spam, you bitches just get a really long ass comment replying to everyone. Haha.

kthx. - I don't believe in fate, or of anything being "meant to be", but I try to comfort myself by saying "I'm struggling this hard with Adrienne at 20-21. I wouldn't have been able to give them the life that they deserve." I was a young butthead, so I try to say "I was too young, my body wasn't developed enough to support a baby, sure there's a lot of teen moms but I bet even more have babies that didn't make it because they were so young.." Like, I've reasoned with myself over every possible thing as to why I should be thankful for the fact that they happened, as awful as that sounds. It's helped a lot, but all it really does in the end is numb everything. =/

justanothamotha- Thank you for all of the information! I have several Buddhists friends, and I understand perfectly that it isn't a religion, so I really appreciate you sharing. I've read up on Buddhist practices before, but I may have to give it another go. I've never met a sad, stressed-out Buddhist before. Haha. Thank you. <3



InkDMomma- I try SO hard to be nice and polite and say thank you when people start about it. Really, all of these happened quite a while ago and I guess it's just not catching up to me. I'm not pregnant and dealing with those issues, and at 14 months now DD has gotten a lot more independent and I don't have that "Smurf how to be a mom HOW TO BE A MOM" thing going on, so I'm a lot less stressed about it... Not having to deal so much with the present has just brought the past back.

I really do take my roll as an atheist seriously, which to me means being informed personally and understanding that other people are either going to see me as a lost soul that needs guidance or a heathen who's destined for hell. As much as I despise the majority of Christian ideals, I know that in their hearts and minds that they're trying to help....however smurfing frustrating and one-sided they may be about it.

Man. Bear. Pig. - First of all, your name is incredible. Haha.

Thank you hun.

Mara- I think you're exactly right. You can't help but think of every little thing about them and every possibility it would have entailed...in a way, it's like losing a lot of babies, some that look like the mom, some that look like the dad, boys, girls, brunettes and blondes... I mean, I think as far as humans go, we're fairly greedy with answers. We need them, we thrive on them. I agree that it's a very psychological loss, because nothing about the baby is ever finite. You lose so much more when you can never really understand what you lost.



Thank you ladies so much for commenting and helping me through this. I feel really silly, because it's been upwards of two years since my last miscarriage..but they've just been on my mind a lot. Thank you for sharing with me and I'm so sorry that some of you are in the same boat. =[ <3

Quoting Mara:" pregnancy isn't magic. it's a biological balance of very delicate and intricate growing processes. ... [snip!] ... you were starting to grow). it never was so you never really "lost" the love so much as the idea of a future of love. *hugs* "

Oh this just made me cry Mara. You're always so insightful. But yes... it's pretty much the love I was building and hoping for.

Quoting Man. Bear. Pig.:" Oh this just made me cry Mara. You're always so insightful. But yes... it's pretty much the love I was building and hoping for."

it's just something i was really ready for -- b/c i didn't plan or want max when i became pregnant, so i felt like -- on some level, perhaps, my body would miscarry simply b/c my mind wasn't ready.

i sat in the thought of the miscarriage and felt it -- and also just felt how abstract early pregnancy is when there's nothing there but that extra pink line on the stick -- or even that weird alien thrumming of the first U/S heart beat... it wasn't real yet and b/c i had never had a child i didn't know how much my heart could open up, how amazingly huge my love for my own child could be.

instead i was almost mystified by the notion of how loss would feel when i hadn't consciously created max in the first place.

if i were to miscarry today, i think it would be harder than it would've been having never known what a huge heart-stretching experience a child actually is. i'd feel the loss as a potential reality...

and still -- even typing about it, i'm mystified about how to feel about it, how to react to it, how offer support to all of you on it - i just know that it's important to have the facts firmly in hand so that you're not guilting yourself about things you simply cannot control or be blamed for in the first place.

Quoting Mara:" it's just something i was really ready for -- b/c i didn't plan or want max when i became pregnant, ... [snip!] ... in hand so that you're not guilting yourself about things you simply cannot control or be blamed for in the first place. "

Many people blame themselves for a miscarriage. I know that it's generally a good thing physically because the chances of an abnormality were great, and it's nature's way of taking care of it. I keep telling myself "better now than after birth", etc. Emotionally though... my heart just cant keep up with the way my brain feels about it....  

Quoting Man. Bear. Pig.:" Many people blame themselves for a miscarriage. I know that it's generally a good thing physically because ... [snip!] ... now than after birth", etc. Emotionally though... my heart just cant keep up with the way my brain feels about it....  "

emotionally, you're processing the future - which is really elusive to even understand or express to yourself.

it's not really something you can "work out" by thinking yourself there, it's more of a process of time, acceptance of the events and simply letting yourself continue to love those you still have around you. the wound will close over time until it's nothing more than a memory scar.

*big man bear pig hugs*

Quoting Mara:" emotionally, you're processing the future - which is really elusive to even understand or express to ... [snip!] ... you still have around you. the wound will close over time until it's nothing more than a memory scar. *big man bear pig hugs*"

He he... thank you. You're always so insightful. I wish I was as level headed!