Please dont judge me (Long)

Before i get into the reason behind me posting, i will give a little back story on me. Ive been a lurker on this site for probably a good 3 years or more. Im 20 now and when i was 16 i had my 1st abortion. Before i decided on abortion, i was going to keep the baby and i searched the internet for a forum for teen moms and i came across bg. Fast forward to now, i have had a total of 4 abortions   . I really dont know why i would choose abortion and then continue on having unprotected sex. Its like i wanted to be pregnant because i felt that i was missing something and i thought a baby would fill what i was missing. But then when i would get pregnant, every single time i was so scared and so sick to the point i had to go to the hospital multiple times. This year i had my most recent one. My boyfriend and i werent using protection and we were being stupid. To make a long story short, he is very physically and emotionally abusive towards me and i had to get an abortion to get rid of the baby because i didnt want him beating the baby out of me. Most people will say to leave someone who is abusive towards you, but i can honestly say its sooo much harder than you think. Its not easy. Up until yesterday we were still together. I am also 7 weeks pregnant by him again  . After my abortion earlier this year, we were actively trying to get pregnant and it happened. We were both getting our lives together and trying to save our money before i got pregnant again. I know it wouldnt have been the answer to everything, but he was supposed to get some money from the house that his family lived in because they sold it but the money never came through. That was going to be the money to get us a place of our own to live and start our life. My reason for posting is because i feel like i wanna get rid of this baby again. Like i said he is very abusive and the week before thanksgiving i called the police on him. He wasnt arrested but that angered him and it put more of a strain on our relationship than there already was. The night before thanksgiving, i was finally fed up and basically "left" him. But i came right back . So yesterday, he broke up with me and said i treat him like smurf and i dont love him and he just goes on and on. Honestly, i feel like hes doing this because i left him a few weeks ago and he wants to be able to still be in control. 60% of me wants the baby while the other 40% is so happy that he left me and i can just get a fresh start without him and anything that has to do with him (the baby). Has anybody ever been in a similar position and how did it turn out for you? Thank you to anybody who does decide to read this because i know its very long. I occasionally talk to someone on here by private message but i have come to her with so many of my problems that im embarrassed to come to her with this. Once again, thank you to anybody who reads this.

I have not been in a similar situation, but honestly if I were you, I'd probably just go ahead and get another abortion. Your life does not seem stable enough at the moment to be adding a child into the mix.

I seriously advise you to getting on some sort of birth control. Eventually the abortions can render you infertile.

Quoting JoyeandOnlyJoye:" Before i get into the reason behind me posting, i will give a little back story on me. Ive been a lurker ... [snip!] ... her with so many of my problems that im embarrassed to come to her with this. Once again, thank you to anybody who reads this. "

I'm sorry you're going though this. I've never been in that position, but personally, I would abort, and then get on birth control. It sounds like you need him out of your life for good.
Good luck!

it's up to you. If you feel you can't support it on your own and you want to get an abortion then do what you think is best for you and your unborn child. It's obviously a hard decision just remember that it's your choice nobody can make it for you. If he is abusive i hope you can get away from him you definitely don't need that.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about and I'm sorry that you're finding yourself in this situation and considering this hard decision again. I think that you need to stay out of the relationship, it's not healthy for YOU. You deserve to be happy. I think that you shouldn't make any decision without thinking it through and if you want this baby, you should keep it. Don't not keep the baby in fear you won't be able to raise it alone, because it's possible. I promise. But if you decide you don't want to keep the baby, don't feel like a bad person. Things happen, and you shouldn't have to stay pregnant if you don't want to. Just be more careful from now on and get on birth control so you don't keep putting yourself through this.
Good luck!

Thank you for reading and giving me what advice you could give me. I agree, i do need some type of birth control and i just need to be alone. I havent been single since i was 13 when i had my first boyfriend. I need to get myself and my life together. Thank you very much everyone!

My sister who is my best friend went thru something very similar. It took her awhile but she did leave her abusive relationship. Do not do something rash because of your relationship. Take a few days and just decide what's best for you. Although I highly recommend you leave your boyfriend. I know it's hard. Emotional abuse is often times more damaging than physical abuse though. I would find some therapy to help you try to figure out where you go from here and how to leave if that is what you want. I wish you nothing but the best in whatever you decide to do. You make whatever decision is best for you and you alone. It does not matter what anyone else thinks.

if you want another abortion get it. No one here can tell you what to do, get it done and get on birth control...and get some help, you obviously have some emotional issues in your life that leads you to think that a child will solve your problems and then when it happens reality hits. You're only 20, live your life and try being alone for a while.

I was in an abusive relationship, when I got preg with my 1st baby... he left me, and I went on with pregnancy, I finished school, and had the baby on my own. I raised him for 3 years before his father came and wanted visitation...
I am now married to some1 else and had 2 more children and went back to school for something diff than I 1st graduated with. My ex sees his son every other weekend,
There's nothing easy about what I did, it was very hard and stressful... but I was able to do it... now I have a good relationship with my ex, and that was something I never thought would happen...

Quoting JoyeandOnlyJoye:" Thank you for reading and giving me what advice you could give me. I agree, i do need some type of birth ... [snip!] ... single since i was 13 when i had my first boyfriend. I need to get myself and my life together. Thank you very much everyone!"

Good luck. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

I have nothing against abortion or people who choose it so im not saying this because im anti-abortion but you could choose adoption if you are on the fence. That way you have longer to make a decision. If you have the baby and are truly not ready then you dont have to be but you would have up until you have the baby to change your mind and decide where you stand rather than with abortion you HAVE to make a choice before its too late and dont have nearly as much time to decide what you really want.