Whoosh.

Deletedz. Thankies.

That would piss me off, someone trying to compare their situation to mine. I would have to say something like "You don't know what I have been through, because every situation is different, but thanks for your concern."

No one I know knows everything I have been through. SO gets pissed if like he will go to pat me on the shoulder but has his hand up first and I flinch. He does the "I can't believe you think I would do that to you." I just tell him "You don't know everything I have been through, I can't help it."

That's messed up it's not a contest,it's a touchy subject. I can't imagine someone would even compare that situation! You do need to tell her it's bothering you.

this girl doesnt get social cues clearly so you're gonna have to tell her straight up that you don't want to talk about it! She obviously doesnt get that it bothers you. If you want her to stop, just be direct. Hope things start to lighten up with you and your friend!

Fwah, deleted.

Fwah, gone.

Quoting Dani Bryant-Murray:" this girl doesnt get social cues clearly so you're gonna have to tell her straight up that you don't ... [snip!] ... get that it bothers you. If you want her to stop, just be direct. Hope things start to lighten up with you and your friend!"

Thanks. She is a good friend all in all, she's real nice and she'd give you the shirt off of her back, but I don't think she really understands that it's a delicate subject and not a football game.

I think there is a point where people shift from being a "victim" to a "survivor." That sounds bad, but what I mean is that some people allow bad things to define them SO MUCH that all they know how to be is a victim. They define themselves that way. For that reason they have to feel like they've been through worse then anyone else because that's SUCH an important part of who they are. They cling to it. Others never do that, or they get past that, into the "it happened, and I'm moving past it." Eventually, hopefully, she'll get there too.

I'd be honest and tell her that you are more then willing to talk to her about it, but that you feel when she talks about it that way, she devalues your experience. You don't want to try and compare them because they can't be compared, and she needs to stop trying to say either was worse.

Quoting she nan igans:" I think there is a point where people shift from being a "victim" to a "survivor." That sounds bad, but ... [snip!] ... You don't want to try and compare them because they can't be compared, and she needs to stop trying to say either was worse."

Couldn't agree more.
I was in victim mode for a long time, but I didn't like feeling that way. I don't like feeling like someone has power over me and that's exactly what I felt like in victim mode. I'm not over it by any means, I just live with it. I'm not quite sure it's an experience anyone can just 'get over'.
I don't know lol...I'm trying to sympathize with her and see it from her point of view but it's hard. There was emotional abuse that went on with my ex, but it was more of a 50/50 mix (if I had to assign a number) of emotional/physical. A lot of the things she said her ex did, I vividly recall my ex doing (The seclusion, cutting off from friends/family, smurfing with her head and making her think that if she just did things differently then the situation would be different, controlling where she went, how she got there, and who she saw when she made it, etc). But I also don't know to what degree it went because there's definitely a lot of different ways abusers do it.
I'm thinking it would be good for her to go to a group therapy meeting or something, or just a support group, so she can learn how to interact with other survivors and possibly even pick up some tips.

Quoting Vodka Knockers:" Couldn't agree more. I was in victim mode for a long time, but I didn't like feeling that way. I don't ... [snip!] ... something, or just a support group, so she can learn how to interact with other survivors and possibly even pick up some tips."

Yeah, that might be good for her. I was never in a situation with domestic violence, but I've seen this a lot with people who were abused as children. Some hang onto the "mine was SO MUCH worse then everyone elses," and they do this allows them to blame their entire life on that event. They wrap their entire life around the abuse. That can go on for years and years or forever, or some people never really go through that. It's normal though, it's a stage of dealing with any sort of abuse (childhood or domestic). However, that doesn't mean YOU should have to be put through it, you know? Just because it's where she is, doesn't mean she has the right to demean your experience, which is why it's okay to tell her that IMO.

Quoting she nan igans:" Yeah, that might be good for her. I was never in a situation with domestic violence, but I've seen this ... [snip!] ... it's where she is, doesn't mean she has the right to demean your experience, which is why it's okay to tell her that IMO."

Excellent point.
I've tried being patient and understanding, but I'm also not one to dwell on things for too long. I had a huge stick up my ass for two plus years now because of LO's father that I RECENTLY managed to remove lol, and that's a burden carrying record for me.
I may see if my therapist knows of any support groups and offer to go with her to one, it may just be the little nudge she needs.