Wasn't well last night :(

just want some advice

Background, i recently had my 2nd abortion in 5 months. after the first one I had tried to cut my wrists then screamed for 6 hours solid (not exaggerating, i mean violently screamed for six whole hours until the docs surgery opened and i was put on diazepam) i woke up crying every day, i was haunted by flashbacks, i was hallucinating my foetus following me shouting at me that i was a whore and a bitch and felt like someone was out to kill me i could hear voices telling me to jump and telling me i was dead etc.... was referred to MHT and eventually was discharged as the visions and voices and suicidal thoughts had all stopped. anyway this time after the abortion have been much better, NO thoughts of suicide, no hallucinations, no voices  

But, last night i did have a major meltdown (this was 3 days after the event)
Does this sound like a one-off "blip" or do you think i should ask to be referred back to the MHT  

My husband had his friend round, he had asked me was it ok and I had said yes. They were ordering pizza and we all had pizza with the kids (well I had salad and wedges!) then their plan was to watch a crap film and eat icecream after kids had gone to bed, I was up for that. But they had a couple of jaegers each, and I felt a bit left out so I was gonna pour a malibu. But he wouldnt let me have any due to my being on diazepam- last time when I was on diazepam after my first abortion alcohol DOES NOT mix well AT ALL with it and i had been paralytic off of one drink. I wasnt seeing the logic though i just got angry and stormed out, and for a moment my plan was to go to the pub where i used to work where a regular drinker there fancies me, I knew he would buy me drinks and he's a coke dealer too... gah IDK what i was thinking i'm so glad i didnt do that. i went out sobbing as i walked down the street, but instead went to Tesco. I sat down near the fizzy drinks on one of those stools, pushed some cans of fanta to one side and rested my head on the shelf. a woman came to ask if i needed help, think she thought i was drunk. i stood up straight, looked her in the eye and asked where the cherry pepsi max was (DH friend had said it was on offer) she showed me and she watched me as i took some and carried it to the till, walking in a straight line, obvioulsy (i hoped!) not drunk!!!!
went home and started crying and DH came up to me, i was going on about how much i HATED everyone, i hated myself, i knew this would happen so WTF possessed me to abort again. how much i grieved for my babies but i can't because i have no right because i'm the one that aborted them... how much i hated everyone for "making" me do it. i can't remember what he was trying to say to calm me down but it didnt work i spat "SmUrf YOU!" at him and pushed him away and ran downstairs to put my shoes on. he said i wasnt going out, i said smurf off i am. he tried to restrain me and i growled "get the SmUrf OFF ME!" he tried to block the door and a few times i tried to pull him to the side. i'm pretty strong i do weights but so does he and he's 6ft 4 so i had no chance (i'm 110lbs)! i tried as hard as i could though- he was stood against the porch door and i had hold of the handle and put one foot against the wall- i yanked it a few times until i heard a big crack... i cant see the damage maybe it's inside the wood but i definately broke it somewhat and the handle half snapped off. i was out of it, i was like a rabid animal, i was just in some crazed rage zone it was bizarre. after my energy ran out i slumped down and started crying and he went and got me a couple of diazepam i sat crying for 15 minutes until they kicked in... then i felt fine and sat with DH and his friend and ate some icecream.
After his friend left we went to bed, and I don't remember this but this morning DH told me I was trying to get him to have unprotected sex with me (I am on dianette but been on it less than a week so it won't be effective yet, plus 3 days after abortion is a no-no due to infection risk) he resisited my advances but i cried when he told me that this morning  
what is wrong with me why would i do that!!!

today i feel FINE again. well as fine as i have been the other 2 days (thursday and friday) anyway. not at all loony like last night.

DH says he thinks i am coping ok generally and that last night was just "a blip". i hope he's right

I have counselling tomorrow. do you think i should ask for a MHT referral or do u think it was just a blip n i'll be ok?

im all for abortion if its the best for the woman and etc but my question is why put yourself in this situation. it sounds like you do need some more therapy. you do not need to get pregnant again this soon that is so hard on your body after the 2 abortions already. i would talk to someone even if it was a small blip. you dont want things to esculate.

I wouldn't mess around with mental health after something like that... It's always best to be sure. You're not always clear-headed enough to see things escalating yourself.

I should definately request a referral when I go for my counselling tomorrow then?

Quoting pixie b:" I should definately request a referral when I go for my counselling tomorrow then?"

That would probably be best.. if you're not remembering what you're doing and stuff thats definately not a good sign hun. Better to be safe than sorry, things can get really bad really quick if you don't ask for help  

Quoting pixie b:" just want some advice Background, i recently had my 2nd abortion in 5 months. after the first one I ... [snip!] ... right I have counselling tomorrow. do you think i should ask for a MHT referral or do u think it was just a blip n i'll be ok?"

People react in all different ways after an abortion. I dealt with the the same feelings but it took a couple weeks for those feelings to actually kick in. People deal with grief in different ways also. Some try to hurt themselves, some try to replace the baby with another one due to guilt, some just cry and become severly depressed, etc. In your case, I would def talk to someone professionally.

I think you need to get yourself checked into a hospital. If you aren't remembering doing things, you are a huge danger to yourself and your family. Good luck, I hope things turn out okay for you.

I would ask for a referral. Could it possibly be a side effect from the drugs they have you on? Maybe you need to see if there is an alternative drug you can try? Also, if you are not wanting any more children for the time, is birth control other than condoms out of the question?

<blockquote><b>Quoting Mommy~to~2~and~lovin~it!:</b>" I would ask for a referral. Could it possibly be a side effect from the drugs they have you on? Maybe ... [snip!] ... can try? Also, if you are not wanting any more children for the time, is birth control other than condoms out of the question?"</blockquote>




Idk, I am on diazepam it calms me down when I have mwltdowns like that. I could try antidepressants but they take 2 weeks to take effect and I need immediate effects right now, diazepam is perfect for me it helps. I'll wean off it this week though.

I am on birth control, a very super-strength combined pill called Dianette I believe is not available in the States (I'm in the UK) but iv been on it less than a week so would need backup if I were to have sex. but I shouldn't be having sex so soon after abortion! I don't remember asking him it was not what I wanted think I was trying punish myself  

was much better yesterday and in bed my husband was very attentive he kissed me, made feel special; made me feel good iykwim but put nothing inside me (not even fingers) and wouldn't accept anything in return. he says he'll wait 4 weeks for me and even then only if I ask he won't rush me

Quoting {{Expecting #3}}:" People react in all different ways after an abortion. I dealt with the the same feelings but it took ... [snip!] ... one due to guilt, some just cry and become severly depressed, etc. In your case, I would def talk to someone professionally."

that is precisely what i did i think   subconsciously... i replaced the pregnancy i aborted in June just 4 months later due to not being careful with condoms. i didnt mean to. i was not in my right mind   hard to explain.

determined to not let it happen again, i am making my husband FEED ME the birth control pill and stick my tongue out after to check i swallowed it! this was MY idea coz i don't trust myself! already my instincts have kicked in, i grieve my loss and crave pregnancy back again  

Been to see my counsellor today and told him EVERYTHING all the gory details, but he was not concerned so that's good   he thinks my husband is doing a good job of looking after me. he kept me indoors despite my rage and tryig to hurt him, he took all my insults and venomous outbursts, and he didnt take advantage of me trying to have sex while vulnerable... he keeps checking up on me and he looks after me and when i need my pills he does all the childcare


I have plenty of support and i think i'll be ok. i do remember everything about the violence with the door, trying to break it open and trying to push my husband out the way. i remember all of that. the only thing i don;t remember was the trying to have sex with him, but i was on my meds by then, and due to the scale of my rage when i was trying to get out of the house he had given me 2 instead of just one, so it was probably the drugs making me not remember.

i have managed without any at all today!!! so proud of myself